Heartbreak is one of the single most difficult things that we have to endure as human beings. People who have not experienced it have a hard time comprehending the pain of someone who has just endured a breakup with someone they love, and it can be difficult for them to put themselves in this person’s shoes. Perhaps you have found this to be the case for you as well? Maybe you’re feeling very isolated in your pain right now because it feels like no one understands how it feels…
Well, as a love and relationship coach specialized in helping people create the love lives of their dreams, I can tell you that heartbreak, unfortunately, is very common. But the fact that it is so common means that there are a plethora of solutions available to you, as well. I work with clients on a day to day basis who come to me asking how to get over a sudden breakup, and I wanted to share some of the most powerful tips and tools for doing so right here in today’s article.
By the time you reach the end of this article, you will have a much better understanding of how to pull yourself out of these negative emotions and bounce back in no time! As heavy as all of this might feel right now, I promise you that it is temporary. There are certain actions that you can begin to implement starting today, so let’s get started, shall we?
You know, the sensation of a sudden breakup is hard to define. It is even harder to describe when the person that you were with was someone that you loved very much, and you didn’t want this relationship to end. People also make a very common misconception in thinking that the person who ended the relationship has an easier time getting over the breakup, but if you’re the one who chose to walk away, you know that that isn’t necessarily true. There are so many emotions involved on both sides, and it is often very difficult for both parties involved – even if it is in different ways.
At the end of the day, a breakup, whether it is a sudden breakup or something that was long and drawn out, is a loss. It is the loss of something that was living, something that you poured your heart, time and energy into, something that once had a bright future. For this reason, the human mind perceives it as the death of something; it perceives it as a mourning process. So of course it’s going to be excruciating! Of course it’s going to hurt and of course it’s going to take time for you to heal. But the important thing to bear in mind is that the length of this mourning process is largely up to you. There are going to be inevitable surges of emotion throughout this time, but you can start to create a new rhythm in your life through various actions that will create a very positive shift.
Trust me, I know that the emotions you are experiencing right now can feel endless and bottomless, but this is temporary. On top of that, this challenging period can be an incredible blessing in disguise! I know that as you read that, you’re probably thinking, “You can’t be serious…” But trust me, I am! In some of my favorite success stories, my client has come to me for tips for getting over a bad breakup, and when our work is done, I get a followup email from them letting me know that as hard as this period was, it was a transformative experience that allowed them to be so much happier than ever before.
To illustrate my point, let me tell you about Daniela. She had been with her boyfriend for close to four years, and they had been talking about getting married in the relatively near future, there was talk of having children, her family loved him, they had built a beautiful home together… And then one day, her boyfriend came to her and confessed that his heart wasn’t in this anymore and that he needed to end things. He told her that he had been trying to reconcile the way he had been feeling for the last year and a half because he wanted to be a good partner to her, but he just couldn’t find the way to be happy with her. He expressed that he had been trying to work through his feelings and after working with a therapist, he came to the conclusion that this was not the right relationship for him. Fortunately, he presented this in the most gentle way that he could, but it didn’t change the fact that Daniela was totally caught off guard and crushed. Here was the man that she thought that she was going to marry telling her that he just didn’t want any of this anymore. She begged and pleaded with him, asked what she could do differently, but for him it was already too late. He had told her time and time again what would help their relationship, but she had gotten too comfortable.
So this is what we needed to zero in on in her healing process. In reality, when someone breaks up with you unexpectedly, it usually isn’t “unexpected” on their end. That is why it’s so important to first take some time to heal, and then take some time to really think about what went wrong and how to ensure it doesn’t happen again in the future. Once we did this with Daniela, she had a lightbulb moment. She realized that she had lost herself in her relationship, she had stopped growing, she had lost track of her ambitions, and she stopped attracting her ex. Essentially, he no longer recognized the woman that he had fallen in love with at the beginning of their relationship, and she no longer recognized herself, either.
Very often, we think that we are dedicating ourselves to our relationship when in reality we are losing touch with ourselves. When this happens, we start to feel very dependent on the relationship because we have made it our identity. When the relationship ends, it feels like the rug was ripped out from beneath us and there is nothing to catch our fall… So the solution lies in getting back in touch with ourselves and focusing on self improvement. Let’s take a closer look at how this works!
The answer to how to get over a sudden breakup is all about reconnecting with yourself in a new way. I know that right now everything feels raw and unfamiliar, but that is why we need to focus on regaining a sense of well-being that eventually becomes a sense of confidence.
If you are familiar with our philosophy then you have probably heard us say that confidence comes from a sense of accomplishment, and this is where we are headed. But first things first, we need to take a look at what things you were doing before you started this relationship (and during the beginning stages of the relationship) that you are no longer doing now.
What friends and family members were you spending more time with?
What hobbies and passions were you making more time for?
What personal and professional goals were you working on?
What inspired you?
How did you spend your free time?
Were you more physically active and health-conscious?
I encourage you to really take some time and sit with these questions. Take a piece of paper and a pen and write down your answers to these questions. It will help give you a sense of direction right now, because these are the things that you will need to start reintroducing into your schedule.
When you’re over a bad breakup, I know how tempting it is to just isolate yourself and sulk, but the more time you spend doing that, the longer this recovery process will take. That said, it is important to allow yourself to feel. It’s important to allow yourself to let the tears out when they surge up so you aren’t bottling things up, but you can create structure here, too. When the emotions get too intense, give yourself 15 minutes to cry about it, and when the time is up, challenge yourself to get up and do something productive like going for a run or checking something off of your To Do list. This way you’re honoring your emotions but you aren’t letting them consume you. By doing this each time, you will train your brain to get into a more productive mindset. You will be subconsciously reprogramming the way you operate and soon you will be feeling like you’re accomplishing more than you realized.
In addition to this, it will be crucial that you set goals for yourself. A trick that I give my clients is simply to set a 2-year goal and work backwards. So, for example, think about where you want to be professionally speaking two years from now, and then define where you would need to be one year from now. In order to reach the goal one year from now, where do you need to be 6 months from now? And two months from now?
In order to reach your goal of two months from now, what can you start doing this week?
By working backwards, you can give yourself a roadmap and start working on it day by day. It will feel good to have a goal, and when you begin to see progress, you will start to feel even better. This doesn’t even have to be about a professional goal – you can apply this to any area of your life. Even physical activity. I also want to mention that if you’re wondering about how to get over a big breakup, physical exertion is going to be a powerful tool for you. The more you sweat and increase your heart rate, the more you will release physical and mental tension from your body. It will also help you to sleep better at night, because I know that sleeplessness is a pretty common side effect of heartbreak.
Now is the perfect time to create new patterns, and it’s a great time to create a new environment for yourself. As simple as it may seem, a big part of moving past a breakup has to do with your environment! Take this time to make changes to your surroundings. Take all the things that remind you of your ex and put them in a box. It’s up to you whether you want to get rid of this box right now or not, but there is a lot of truth to the phrase, “Out of sight, out of mind.” Clear away visual triggers and you will start to feel a lot better. Rearrange your furniture, get some new bedsheets, maybe even repaint the walls! Human beings are visual creatures and you might be surprised at how different you feel when your environment changes. This is also the reason for which I suggest trying new things to all my clients who come to me with this question.
Fill up your schedule with friends and family members that bring you joy, and make an effort to get out there and try new things! Go to new places, try new restaurants, try a new look, sign up for a new class, and challenge yourself to expand your horizons!
The more you do this, the more you will see that this sudden breakup is a blessing in disguise. It has made you rediscover yourself and actively begin to work on making time and space for the things that make you You, and it has inspired you to step outside of your comfort zone. It has made you become the new and improved version of yourself, and this is the key to your future happiness.
As this article comes to an end, I want you to know that this painful feeling is temporary. The more proactive you become in you personal life, the faster you will heal from a sudden breakup.
I know that each and every situation is unique, and you probably have some questions, so please don’t hesitate to reach out to me or a member of my team for some one on one coaching. By asking you targeted questions, we can zero in on which solutions would be best suited to you. All of this will serve a greater purpose if you can use it as fuel for positive change in your life, trust me.
I have worked with tens of thousands of individuals so I can confidently tell you what works and what doesn’t, and you are in the right place to bounce back from this breakup once and for all!
I sincerely wish you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you want to know how to get over a sudden breakup
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