A lot of clients come to me because they’re struggling with a constant sense of insecurity in their relationships that is undermining everything. It is as common as it is difficult, so I wanted to take some time to share some helpful pointers with you today. There are some recurring reasons behind anxiety in relationships that in encounter in my one on one coaching sessions, and there are some solutions that have made a world of difference.
So if you’re wondering, “Why do I need constant reassurance in a relationship,” then you have come to the right place! In today’s article, I am going to go over the main reasons behind relationship anxiety, but I will also delve into how to fix it! You don’t have to struggle with these negative feelings that are taking away from the joy and excitement that you and your partner could be feeling any longer.
Without further ado, let’s dive right in! I know how debilitating the need for constant reassurance can be, but I want you to know that you are not doomed to these feelings forever.
In my experience as a love and relationship coach, I have come across this problem many, many times. Even this morning I was working with a client who came to me for help in figuring out why she needed constant reassurance in relationships and what she needed to do in order to overcome it.
So of course, we needed to look into where these feelings were stemming from. 9 times out of 10 it’s because a person experienced something in the past that made them feel insecure about the relationship. It could be that their partner was unfaithful, that there were secrets and lies, or that the relationship just fell apart. It could also be that they witnessed their ex partner fall out of love with them and subsequently leave the relationship. It makes perfect sense that if your heart was broken badly enough in the past, that you would want to make sure that it doesn’t happen to you again.
This is when you see people who have their guard up, but this is also when you see people who need constant reassurance. But that’s not the only reason that I have seen behind this. Sometimes it’s something that a person doesn’t realize, but it’s actually a very simple issue. In my client’s case, for example, the issue actually boiled down to love languages. If you’re unfamiliar with this concept, the 5 Love Languages are as follows:
Quality time: Giving your partner your free time and creating special moments together
Words of affirmation: Verbal expression your love and affection
Physical touch: Physically being in contact
Acts of service: Going out of your way to do things for your partner to make them happy
Receiving gifts: Showing love and affection through material items
The more we delved into my client’s situation, the clearer it became that she and her boyfriend were communicating their love for each other in very different ways, so the message wasn’t being received on her end. Her love language was words of affirmation, but his was acts of service. She needed him to tell her about his feelings, to express himself and the way he feels about her, but he was expressing it by doing things for her that he knew would make her life easier. She wanted him to tell her that he was deeply in love with her, while he would be organizing his schedule around making sure that he’d be free to pick her up at midnight at the airport when she came back from a trip. She wanted to hear that he missed her, but he would be taking a day off work when she came back so that they could spend time together after being apart. So you see, it actually all boiled down to developing a better communication platform. That’s a topic for another day, but if you’re curious about how to improve communication in your relationship, I encourage you to check out this mega article on the subject.
There are some other reasons behind the need for constant reassurance in a relationship. In many cases that I’ve seen, it’s closely linked to a lack of self confidence. When you aren’t fully aware of what you bring to the table, and of what you bring to the relationship, it’s easy to start to feel like you need the other person. Whether it’s for validation, or for stability, or for love, it means that you do not feel self sufficient enough without them, so you can experience a surge of anxiety.
As frustrating as this feeling might be, the good news is that it’s really easy to overcome, and that’s what I want to go over with you in today’s article. It truly is the secret to success, regardless of that the reasons behind your need for constant reassurance may be! Let me explain…
When you begin to cultivate a solid sense of self confidence in your life, you will experience a snowball effect in your relationship. The more comfortable you feel within yourself, the easier it becomes to express your needs and no longer need constant reassurance.
So let’s get into the basics here. A sense of confidence stems from a sense of accomplishment, and that is why one of the first things I work on with clients who feel the need to have constant reassurance in a relationship is an action plan designed to improve their personal lives. It is now the time to begin to train the mind to witness what you are capable of, and to start to feel more pride in what you bring to the table. A lot of the people I work with wind up losing themselves in the relationship without even realizing it. Maybe this happened to you? Perhaps at the beginning of your relationship, you were doing your own thing, you have plenty of things going on in your personal life and in your professional life, you were working towards your goals… but as your relationship developed, it started to take center stage in your life. This is nothing to be ashamed of – it’s perfectly normal!
But the issues arise when you start to lose track of your personal life, when you start to lose sight of your personal goals, and you lose sight of your sense of accomplishment. When the only thing of importance that exists in your life is your relationship, it is normal that on a subconscious level, you would feel that the stakes are high and you need this relationship in order to be happy. Of course, the problem here is that the goal of a relationship is not to be your sole source of joy. When it becomes your sole source of joy, the dynamic within the relationship shifts, and your partner can feel this. A form of pressure can start to form, which pushes your partner away (people want to be people who want them; not with people who need them), and in turn, you will start to feel an even greater need for reassurance. As you can imagine, this can begin a negative spiral.
So, the solution is to nip the problem in the bud and develop a sense of purpose within your life that is independent of this relationship. First and foremost, if you’re thinking, “I always need reassurance from my boyfriend or girlfriend,” we need to take a moment to think about what kind of goals, passions, activities and hobbies you used to make time for that are no longer a part of your schedule? Again, it’s so common for us to lose track of the things that used to make us happy before we got into a relationship, but it’s very important to hold on to them. After all, these are some of the things that make you who you are, and these are some of the things that attracted your partner to you in the first place!
I wanted to share the story of one of our clients to further illustrate what I am explaining. When I am working with someone who is insecure about their partner and is in constant need of reassurance, the reality of the situation is that deep down, the person is rarely actually insecure about their partner and what their partner is doing. They’ll tell me, “No I need constant reassurance because my partner is doing X, Y, or Z and it makes me feel insecure in the relationship.” But it’s actually way simpler than that…
It’s not about what your partner is doing. If you are insecure in a relationship, it’s because on a subconscious level, you believe that your partner will find better. This is what I mean when I say it’s closely linked to self confidence and your level of self esteem. So let me tell you about Jess. She came to me saying that she was worried that her boyfriend was going to cheat on her. She was convinced that if he wasn’t doing it already, that he would start doing it soon. He was out late all the time, so why wouldn’t he? She had no doubt in her mind. As we began to work together, she started to share that she felt overweight, and that as a result of stress at work and changes in her schedule, she had started to let herself go. As a result, her self-esteem took a hit.
At first when she was telling me “I always need reassurance from my boyfriend,” our goal was to revamp the relationship so he would be inspired to spend more time with her. But as we started to zero in on where her insecurities were stemming from, we created an action plan geared towards making her feel sexier in her own skin. The target was no longer her boyfriend; it was Jess, and sure enough, she came to me one day and said,
“He isn’t cheating. He’s not doing anything. In fact he’s never been more attracted to me and I’ve never felt so sexy!”
It was by changing the way she felt about herself that we were able to dissolve her insecurities and her need for constant reassurance! And it wasn’t about the way she looked. It was about how she felt mentally and emotionally in the relationship.
People are attracted to people who are happy. People are attracted to people who are attracted to themselves, and to their own lives. This is why some people are so magnetic! If your partner sees you feeling proud of yourself and loving your life, they will be attracted to you like a moth to a flame, and you will find that you will no longer be wondering, “Why do I need constant reassurance in a relationship?”
What causes insecurity in a relationship and how can you fix it?
As this article comes to an end, I want you to know that needing constant reassurance in a relationship can end now. It really just boils down to taking the time to analyze where these feelings are coming from, and giving yourself an action plan to nip the problem in the bud. In the majority of cases, these emotions are rooted in a lack of self confidence. The more you work on this, the more you will see that everything else will start to fall into place.
So I encourage you to take matters into your own hands and think about what elements of your self esteem could use some TLC? A good place to start is to incorporate more physical exercise into your every day life. It’s not about changing your physique; it’s about getting your blood flowing, making your body release positive hormones like dopamine and oxytocin, giving yourself more energy, sleeping better, being in a better mood, releasing tension… and the list goes on and on. We often use exercise as a tool to release negative emotion and tension, and this has a very positive effect on all other aspects of your life. When you’re feeling better, you have an easier time identifying solutions and carrying them out.
I know that each and every person is unique and so is each person’s situation, so if you would like one on one guidance, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me or a member of my team by clicking here. By asking you targeted questions, we can zero in on the root of the problem and create a tailor-made action plan. This feeling of needing reassurance in a relationship doesn’t need to define you, and it is entirely in your power to get rid of it once and for all. It would be our honor to show you how to do it.
We have also created many videos on the subject on our YouTube channels, so I encourage you to check those out as well.
I know how frustrating these feelings can be, but they are only temporary. The fact that you are already reading this article means that you are willing to be proactive, and let me just tell you, that’s the key to success. The more you’re willing to take control of the situation, the faster you will overcome the need for reassurance in relationships!
I sincerely wish you all the best.
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