insecurity is one of the biggest challenges that I see in my clients that come to me for help with their relationships. Whether they’re in a committed relationship or not, many people struggle with insecurity and it is something that can undermine their sense of happiness on a personal level and within relationships.
In today’s article, I want to go over what causes this kind of security, how to identify and steer clear of emotional dependency, and how to stop being insecure in your personal life and in your relationships once and for all!
Insecurity can become a thing of that past, and you’re in control of more than you might realize. There are things that you can start doing today that will have longterm effects that can transform your love life. It’s time to say goodbye to the insecurity that has been plaguing you all this time!
We have made it our mission to give you all the tips and tools you need to successfully coach yourself at home and overcome any challenge you face in love. So without further ado, let’s dive right in!
Insecurity: What causes it in a relationship ?
When you’re struggling with something as frustrating as the feeling of insecurity, you might start to wonder where on earth this comes from. Why are you dealing with this anxiety-inducing feeling? This is especially frustrating when it seems like it’s been a pattern in your life.
Have you always felt like this? Is it a result of something that happened in your past? Is it a chemical thing?
The truth is that it’s different for everyone. For some, insecurity stems from a traumatic event that happened in their past. Perhaps someone they loved cheated on them, or maybe they saw that someone they trusted in their family was being unfaithful… As a result, a deep sense of mistrust formed that began to trickle into future relationships.
In other cases, a person will feel insecure because they are experiencing a lack of self-confidence. This feeling will make them feel doubtful of their ability to be loved and wanted by another person, and before they know it, they’ll be struggling with a deep sense of insecurity in relationships.
Of course, there are more reasons for feelings of insecurity, but these are the main two factors to take into consideration. I encourage you to take the time to do some introspection to think about what elements in your life have sparked these insecure feelings.
Is it something that you experienced growing up or in a past relationship? Have you been struggling with loving yourself? I know that these can be uncomfortable questions to ask yourself, but the clearer picture you have, the easier it will be to get to the bottom of this and heal from insecurity forever.
Now, in addition to low self-esteem and/or past traumas, there are some other factors that can cause insecurity in a relationship. The most common one is a lack of communication. Sometimes proper communication isn’t established in a relationship and as time goes on, the two people involved just assume the other knows they feel, but they end up experiencing adverse effects.
Of course, no one can read minds. One person might be feeling head over heels in love with their partner but if they never verbally communicate this, their partner might end up feeling insecure about their feelings. This can apply to any kind of feeling, and you can imagine how crucial communication is. If you’d like to learn more about proper communication in a relationship, I recommend reading this in-depth article.
Then of course there is the actual lack of attention. If someone isn’t getting attention from their partner and if they feel that they aren’t spending enough time together, it comes as no surprise that they would start to feel insecure. It can create or conjure up feelings of neglect that can cause serious cracks in the foundation of the relationship.
Another common reason behind insecurity is when a person has a serious topic they want to discuss with their partner but their partner doesn’t care. Emotional disconnect is a huge culprit. This also happens when a person is written off as “emotional” or “unreasonable” when they’re trying to communicate from the heart.
As you can see, all of this is rooted in low self-esteem, and tackling that is the first step towards overcoming insecurity in your relationships. It’s also going to be important to keep an eye out for emotional dependency because that is something extremely dangerous that often emerges from feelings of insecurity.
Insecurity and codependency
Unfortunately, insecurity and emotional dependency, aka codependency, often go hand in hand. It is something to be guarded against because it can break a relationship apart. To give you an idea of how to keep an eye out for this, I want to give you a couple of signs of codependency to be aware of.
The most obvious one is the inability to spend time away from your partner. If you’re experiencing codependent feelings, then you have a compulsive need to know where they are, who they’re with, and what they’re doing. You might even be checking their social media activity, and in some cases, you might even demand to have your partner’s passwords to their accounts and devices.
You might also be thinking about your partner to the point of obsession and you might be experiencing the inability to be happy without them. This can lead to very needy and clingy behavior, and you can wind uprooting your identity in this relationship.
Another sign of insecure and codependent behavior is when you are terrified of your partner cheating or lying, even if you have no concrete reason to feel this way. People will often struggle with excessive jealousy and control issues when they’re dealing with insecurity and emotional dependency.
So, if you’re controlling and feeling insecure, if your partner asks you for space and you are unable to give them any, I highly recommend reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. Identifying a codependency problem that has stemmed from insecurity can be hard.
You might also believe that you’re only codependent because you really love your partner, or because they were the ones who did something that broke your trust in the first place. However, if you can spot codependent tendencies, it can truly save your relationship.
This reminds me of my client Melissa. She was very insecure, and was very codependent, and relied on her partner to fulfill her every emotional need. She was so demanding that he always be there, that he ended up almost leaving the relationship.
But Melissa identified that her behavior wasn’t right, and that it was pushing him away. She wasn’t sure if she could break out of old patterns, but after a few brief coaching sessions, and a lot of self-help books (like the one I just mentioned above), she was able to prove to herself, and to her partner, that she can enjoy being an emotionally independent person in a thriving relationship.
How to stop being insecure: the KEY
As you’ve come to understand, overcoming insecurity has to do with building self-confidence, and self-confidence comes from a sense of accomplishment. So, the more things you do, the better you feel.
If you want to become more secure within yourself and within this relationship, you have to work on becoming more secure with yourself by doing things that will make you feel proud to be the person that you are! You can start to work on this by setting short term, medium-term, and long term goals for yourself. Think about goals that you are confident that you can achieve and then watch your confidence and self-esteem grow!
For example, let’s take professional goals for example. Where do you want to be two years from now? And to get to that goal, where would you need to be one year from now? To reach that goal, where would you need to be 6 months from now? And 3 months from now? 1 month from now? So then what can you start doing this week so start working towards your goal for next month?
You can do this one step at a time, and as you start to see developments in your life, you will start to feel a wonderful sense of accomplishment that will begin to dissolve your feelings of insecurity. In addition to this, overcoming insecurity is all about focusing on things that you can control. You can start by cutting out negative people from your life. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that make you doubt yourself, the ones that put down others, and the ones that give you a feeling of inferiority or self-doubt.
Then, pay attention to your body language. Many people don’t realize that you can actually train your mind to react in a different way by focusing on your body. This is why we always stress the importance of physical exercise! But confidence also comes from your posture, making eye contact with people, smiling, not crossing your arms, and standing up tall. If you’re presenting yourself in a way that makes you feel smaller (hunched over, arms crossed, eyes low, etc.), you’re going to feel considerably less assertive and confident. Challenge yourself to keep an eye on this starting now!
Always remember to prioritize self-compassion and silence the inner critic. Instead of listening to that negative voice, work on using that voice as fuel for making yourself better. Focus on the things you do well, your quality traits and attributes. What are the things that people compliment you on? Surround yourself with people that lift you up and inspire you. Make sure that you keep your independence and spend your time with people that make you genuinely happy, and fill up your schedule with activities that give you a sense of accomplishment. Think about your hobbies, your passions, your goals, things you’ve always wanted to try… Don’t be afraid to stretch your comfort zone and challenge yourself daily! The more you accomplish, the less insecure you will feel. And my friends, always celebrate small victories.
Overcoming insecurity forever
Now is the time to put yourself in positions where you know that your qualities can shine. For example, are you pretty good at drawing? Why not take a figure drawing class where you can try something new and be reminded of your talents? Are you a good listener? Why not volunteer somewhere and help the less fortunate?
Cultivate gratitude and make a conscious choice to focus on the good. What’s more, if you can take this time to make some changes, you can transform your life in a way that will serve you for the rest of your life! Now is the perfect time to start working on becoming the 2.0 version of yourself. Hit the gym, start working on your physical and mental health, get into yoga and mediation, update your wardrobe, challenge yourself to step out of your comfort zone, and make sure that you keep your independence. Losing yourself in a relationship is one of the easiest ways to fall into insecurity and emotional dependency.
So remember. We are here to help you with whatever you need. Through these articles, our YouTube Channel, and our products, we strive to give you all the tools to help you coach yourself at home. We’ve even created a brand new product on how to conquer insecurity. To download it and to keep detailed tools and concrete actions, just click the link.
To summarize what we’ve gone over today, insecurity usually comes from a deep-rooted lack of self-confidence or a past event that has made it hard for a person to trust in themselves and trust in a relationship. It also goes hand in hand with a sense of emotional dependency, which can be identified by the following indicators:
1. Inability to spend time away from your partner
2. A compulsive need to know where they are, who they’re hanging out with
3. A compulsive need to check their social media activity, and even demand to have your partner’s passwords to their accounts and devices.
4. Generally thinking about your partner to the point of obsession
5. Inability to be happy without your partner
6. Rooting your identity into your partner or relationship
7. Fear of your partner cheating or lying, even if you have no reason to feel this way
8. If you are jealous
9. If you are controlling
10. If your partner asks for space and you are unable to deliver any
The key to conquering insecurity comes from accomplishment. Now is the time to take action and start to make changes to your personal life that will have a positive effect on your relationship with yourself and with your partner. Focus on the things you do well, your quality attributes and traits, and put yourself in a position to let these things shine. Surround yourself with people that make you feel good and limit your interactions with negative people. Always maintain your independence and remember, we are here to help. To work with me or a member of my team, all you have to do is click here. Join the Happily Committed Project and transform your life in a dignified and meaningful way.
I sincerely wish you all the very best in life and love,
Your coach when you’re struggling with insecurity