Creating a stable, happy, healthy and dedicated long term relationship can sometimes be surprisingly difficult. Sometimes, it can feel like an impossible feat. But that is precisely why we have created Happily Committed. We are a team of love and relationship experts that have over twenty years of combined experience, and we have made it our goal to compile all the tips and tools you need to coach yourself through whatever challenge you may be facing in love, right here, on this website.
In today’s article, I want to share some insight into a very common problem that affects a large number of the people I coach, and if you have found yourself wondering, “Why does he hate me,” you are in the right place. I want to give go over the main reasons a rift develops in a relationship, and I want to give you some of the most powerful and effective tools available to you.
Very often, when we are in a moment of pressure or stress, we will start to question how much our significant other values us, and how much he loves us. When this happens, it makes us feel uneasy, insecure, and maybe even defensive, and this of course creates even more tension in the relationship. So why does this happen? What do we do about it? Well, I’m glad you asked. Let’s dive right in!
Why does he hate me: What did I do wrong?
When you feel like the person you love most in the world hates you, well, it’s one of the worst feelings you can experience. The truth is that you are not alone, and this is a situation that many people find themselves in. Many people end up feeling that their significant other is sick of them, furious with them, or even bored of them, but I want you to know that you are in the right place for solutions!
So first off, let’s take a look at why you are feeling what you are feeling. When you are thinking, “My boyfriend treats me like he hates me,” it is normal that you might start to second guess yourself and second guess the relationship. When a person’s whose opinion matters so much to you makes you feel like they hate you, then you might start to turn on yourself and question your value and your sense of self-worth. You can begin to question everything because this person hates you, and you might start thinking, “If my boyfriend hates me then it means that there’s something wrong with me.” And this is where the problem lies. From this moment on, you begin to approach the relationship in a very insecure place. Without realizing it, you might begin approaching him with the mindset that you are unworthy or not good enough. You can begin to doubt yourself and this can have a direct effect on the dynamic between you.
Inadvertently, you can start to approach him as though you were less-than or unworthy, and that you need validation from him. This, in turn, can start to push a person away, and it can make you start to act needy and clingy without even realizing it. As you can imagine, this isn’t going to improve the situation. When you’re thinking about what to do if your boyfriend hates you, keep in mind that people are attracted to confidence and well-being, and repelled by insecurity and anxiety. I know this is hard right now because you’re already feeling anxious about the situation, but it is important to keep in mind that part of the key to fixing this problem is creating a sense of peace within yourself.
Think about it this way – we’ve all met those people who have this magnetic energy to them, right? Those people that just exude confidence and you feel attracted to them, and it’s not even in a sexual or romantic way! There’s just something about them that makes people want to be close to them. It’s simply because confidence is really attractive.
So if right now, you are thinking, “My boyfriend acts like he hates me,” then it is crucial that you do not meet that concern with lack of confidence. At this stage, you don’t want to frustrate him even more. You don’t want to inadvertently do something that pushes him further away, because this will only make you feel worse.
Why does my boyfriend hate me: The Solution
The first thing we need to do here is to take a step back and don’t let your anxiety or fear get the best of you. Mindset is crucial right now! If you let your doubts and fears take over, it’s going to negatively affect how you approach him and interact with him. As you can imagine, this would only make matters worse.
Come back to yourself and remember that this person chose to be with you for a reason. This man has invested in you and in this relationship for a reason! If, at this stage, you’re realizing that your struggles with insecurity are overbearing and are actually causing problems in the relationship, then that is what we need to focus on first. We have created a program designed to help you overcoming insecurity once and for all, and I highly recommend downloading it here. It can be such a hindrance in a person’s love life, and I don’t want it to be something that keeps you from experiencing the relationship you want.
Don’t worry about your partner right now – worry about yourself first and work on loving yourself more. Treat yourself well and challenge yourself to identify what you can do to increase your sense of self confidence and self esteem in your life! In many cases I see that people lose track of themselves when they enter into a relationship. They stop making time for their passions, goals, hobbies, friends and family, and they start to detach from themselves. As a result, they start to feel anxious in the relationship simply because they have lost sight of their foundation and are depending on their partner to fulfill their every need. When this happens, there is a big shift in the dynamic of the relationship and a person’s partner can start to feel pressure or stress.
This is often when I have clients asking about what to do when your man hates you.
So first things first, we need to take a close look at what you were doing differently at the beginning of your relationship versus now. What people and activities that brought you joy did you stop making time for? What activities got put on the back burner as this relationship started to take up more and more space in your life? Have you been seeing or keeping in touch with your friends and family enough? All of these little things can have a huge effect on how you feel in a relationship and how your partner feels about you (and vice versa!).
Make ample time in your schedule for these things and you will start to feel a shift in your sense of wellbeing. This is the foundation for relieving the tension you may be feeling between you and your partner.
Once you get past the anxiety and panic and you are able to keep your emotions from controlling the situation, we are going to need to take a look at why your man hates you. We need to take a look at the signs he hates you. Does he avoid having to spend time with you? Is he impatient and short tempered with you? Does he get angry with you? Does he hang up on you? Does he not care about how you’re feeling?
These are common symptoms of the problem that you might be seeing, but take some time to write down everything you have been noticing. What does his “hatred” look like concretely? It’s important to make this list because in many cases, the fear that someone hates you is an internal fear that isn’t grounded in evidence. If you find that you are struggling to create this list of concrete ways in which your husband or boyfriend shows you his hatred, then it might mean that what you are experiencing is actually driven by personal fears and anxieties. It is important to be aware of this because when we fixate too much on something, we can wind up manifesting it in the relationship. In other words, if you fixate on your man hating you when he actually doesn’t, the more you approach him from a place of fear and insecurity, the more it’s going to push him away and in turn, he could eventually wind up not wanting to be around you anymore.
Now, if you have been able to come up with a list, the next step will entail going through each bullet point and identifying why he is doing it. For example, if you have written that he doesn’t trust you, you have to look into where the trust broke. What is the origin of this behavior? When did things change?
When you’re thinking, “Why does he hate me so much,” identifying the origin is a crucial step towards being able to overcome it. When you know why this is happening, then it is time to ask yourself what role you have in the current state of things. Is there something that you did that conjured up this kind of reaction from your partner? Now, let me be very clear, I am not telling you that you are 100% responsible for the current situation. A relationship is a two-way road and both people play a role in the way things develop.
That said, it is also very important to be accountable for our side of the road because this is how you are going to start to make positive changes. The only thing you can control is yourself! I work with so many people who say that they want the other person to change first and THEN they will change as well, but that is not how relationships work. That is not a mindset that is going to give you the solutions you want. Instead, I encourage you to be the example for your significant other. I encourage you to inspire him to adopt a different approach and then you will see a change. He needs to see why hating you is not in his best interest, and the best way for you to do this is to focus on increasing your sense of self-esteem and overcoming insecurity, and diving deeper into what you have control over in this situation.
And the final step, as you can imagine, is about defining what you are going to do to fix the problem. When you identify what’s going on, and what your role in the issue is, then you can zero in on what the solution is. If you were needy and overbearing, then a solution would be to read some good books on how to codependency like Codependent No More by Melody Beatty.
We are here to help you with these action plans, so please don’t hesitate to reach out to me or a member of my team for one on one coaching. By asking you targeted questions, we can zero in on what went wrong and what you can start doing about it today. To work with us, all you have to do is click here.
My husband hates me: Beginning the new chapter of your relationship
As frustrating and painful as this period might be, I often remind my clients that it can truly be a blessing in disguise. Challenges in relationships serve as an opportunity to create positive changes that change the entire course of your relationship. We need conflict in order to grow, and this is an opportunity to evolve, but it is also an opportunity to prioritize self care more, and restore and reinforce communication between you and the person you love.
Now, to summarize what we’ve gone over in today’s article, this is the recipe to success when you’re thinking, “Why does he hate me”
– Challenge yourself to boost your sense of confidence and self-esteem.
– Write out all of the symptoms of your partner’s hatred
– Identify if your fear is rooted in fact or not
– Outline the origin of his behavior
– Ask yourself what role you played in the current state of things
– Define what you are going to do to fix it
As I said above, we are here to help you every step of the way. Whether you need help with communication skills, falling back in love, overcoming infidelity, or any other type of problem that your relationship may be encountering, we are here to help.
Join the Happily Committed Project and transform your relationship in a meaningful and dignified way! It is our honor to be your coaches.
I sincerely wish you all the very best in life and love,
Your coach when you are asking, “Why does he hate me”