Unfortunately, when tensions run high between two partners, it is not uncommon for pessimism to take precedent damage the relationship even further. Right about now, it feels like things have gotten so bad between you that your husband probably only sees the bad things, right? He’s fixating on your shortcomings, he’s holding grudges for past mistakes, and he doesn’t seem to see the efforts you’ve been making improve the situation and the relationship between you. I am not going to sugar coat it for you, when you see these signs your husband hates you, your marriage is in a very vulnerable state.
Though it feels scary right now, I want to take a moment to remind you that the Buddha once said that hatred is never cured by hatred; it is cured by love. A misunderstanding is never ended by an argument, but with tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s point of view. This means that we aren’t going to be fighting fire with fire, no matter how hostile your husband might be right now.
As frustrating as things might be right now, there is no sense in fanning the flames by approaching the situation in an aggressive manner. It’s important to stay in control of your emotions so that you can act with compassion and choose constructive actions instead of destructive reactions.
My husband acts like he hates me: Taking a look at the silver lining
I bet you read that heading and thought, “What kind of silver lining could there possibly be right now?! This is awful.” Think about what I said in the introduction. This situation can be fixed as long as you’re willing to put in the effort. What’s more, crisis can actually bring about incredible opportunities…
There are stages of relationships, and the mature, long-lasting phase cannot come about until the honeymoon phase has come to an end. This means that a transition needs to happen and sometimes that transition is tumultuous. It does however grant you the opportunity to take your relationship to the next level, let it evolve, and experience a deeper, more profound type of love. So the fact that there is trouble in paradise right now could actually be a big blessing in disguise!
Again, this happens IF you get active and avoid sitting back and letting this breakup break you.
Once you get to the other side of this, you might end up feeling grateful that things got shaken up enough to be able fall back in order in a better way than before. Many people who experience these types of crises end up looking back on them later on down the line and realize that they were blessings in disguise that allowed them to recognize problems, make changes, and therefore save, protect and reinforce their relationships.
My husband says he hates me: Lisa’s success story
Not too long ago, a very successful insurance agent living in New York City named Lisa reached out to me. She and her husband were teetering on the brink of divorce. He was drowning in work, was not where he wanted to be professionally speaking, and was blaming Lisa for things that were not her fault. He was deeply unhappy in his personal life and felt that their relationship had become too much of a burden so he needed to “focus on finding himself again.” When she reached out to me she said, “My husband hates me and I feel like I’m losing my soul mate and my best friend,” she was devastated and was certain that she had already lost him.
I told her what I just told you: That she was not in the crisis that she feared she was in, but rather in an opportunity to strengthen their bond. Through the challenges they were facing, their love could grow. Despite what she thought, her husband did not hate her, though he did hate where he was in life at that moment. She was considerably more successful than he was, and his insecurity made him feel threatened by her success. My job consisted of working with Lisa to recalibrate her relationship and ensure that she and her husband started pulling in the same direction again. They needed to act as a team instead of as adversaries, so we focused on rebuilding their common life project. As a result, their relationship began to thrive!
I want to bring your attention to stories like this because it’s so easy to despair when you’re feeling vulnerable. I have the opportunity to help people in this situation on a day-to-day basis, so I can confidently tell you that this is temporary. You aren’t going to sit back and let this fall apart around you! You have already gone out of your way to seek out guidance, so you’re getting in control of the situation. So many people just give up… they feel like they have tried enough and It would just be easier to throw this relationship out, go out and get a new one. This is a very unfortunate product of our consumerist society, and it is also the reason why so many people end up with regrets following a break up. So I just wanted to take a moment to salute you. You aren’t giving up, and you’re already researching how to pave the way towards a solid relationship that will withstand the test of time.
My husband said he hates me, should I hold on?
Unfortunately we live in a day and age where we have lost track of the value of repairing things that are broken. As I just said, we live in a consumerist society where sometimes we think it’s just easier to throw something out and get a new one. Sadly, I see the same mindset being applied to human relationships.
Sure it would be really easy to throw this relationship in the trash and set out to get yourself a shiny new one, but is that really what you want? Is a challenging period worth throwing away everything you’ve shared, everything you’ve built, and the love that exists between you? Of course not!
And I know you know that because you’re right here, reading this.
So many people sit back and wallow in self pity, waiting for things to change on their own. You’re taking matters into your own hands, you’re fighting for what you’ve built, and you’re not going to just chuck this in the bin. It’s worth more than that and the fact that you’re already going out of your way to learn how to save this relationship and pull your husband’s love for you back to the surface speaks volumes about your odds of success.
The great Indian philosopher Osho said, “If you love a person and live the whole life with him or with her, a great intimacy will grow and love will have deeper and deeper revelations to make to you. It is not possible if you go on changing partners very often. It is as if you go on changing a tree from one place to another, then another; then it never grows roots anywhere. To grow roots, a tree needs to remain in one place. Then it goes deeper; then it becomes stronger. Intimacy is good, and to remain in one commitment is beautiful, but the basic necessity is love.”
My husband hates me, what do I do: Prioritize a positive mindset
The way you approach this crisis is going to be a determining factor in your success. I cannot stress the importance of this enough. If you’re going into this with a defeatist frame of mind, you’re going to be focusing on the negatives and it’s going to wear you out. Your mindset and your actions during this process are what are going to make the difference! Not your husband’s anger or frustrations with you.
Yes, the feelings of anxiety you are experiencing at this period are perfectly normal. It’s OK if you are afraid of losing your husband but remember that emotions are neither good nor bad; they are simply our responses to what life throws at us.
Fixating on the glass being half empty is going to drain you of your energy and it’s not going to inspire you to continue to work towards your goal!
I received a testimonial from Vanessa who had been dealing with a very similar situation. When she first reached out, she was terrified of pushing her husband away. In a relatively short period of time, she was able to completely transform her mindset and subsequently her relationship. She wrote, “Things couldn’t be better. Me, my husband, my kids, we are all happy and I’ve had no hiccups. This change has made my life great again and for the long run. I am blessed to have my family and my mind right. Just wanted to let you know again how things were and to thank you again.”
How to make your husband stop hating you
In order for you to turn things around like Lisa and Vanessa did, here are the things that you can start incorporating into your daily life right away! Soon you will be able to turn the man who has shut down and become hostile towards you into a man that is madly in love with you and treats you the way he did in the very beginning…
Turning hate into a stronger love: Becoming friends again
Not only does friendship fuel romance, it offers the best protection against tensions between you. It reinforces the complicity between you and makes it exponentially easier to act as a team instead of as adversaries. When you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s important to be on the same side even if you disagree about something. You can always agree to disagree but you need to act as a team.
When tensions run high, one or both of you will be feeling very confrontational, so it’s normal that you’d wind up thinking “My husband hates me” if he goes into attack mode or becomes caustic.
By becoming friends again, you can dispel those tensions and open the doors to more effortless communication. Some easy ways to start restoring the friendship between you is by getting out and trying new things together. The more fun it is, the better! Think about doing something that allows you two to get away, clear your minds, and have fun together. It could be a weekend getaway or even just an afternoon playing bumper cars. Don’t be afraid to do something “silly.” If you can add an adrenaline release in the mix, even better. Research has shown that when two people share an experience that releases adrenaline (think roller coaster rides, riding a vespa, even salsa dancing), it can boost complicity and sexual attraction!
I feel like my husband hates me: Avoiding drama
I know it’s hard to avoid when you’re feeling so stressed out by the situation, but it is essential that you avoid drama, conflict and negativity at all costs. The best way to get the best of an argument is to avoid getting into one altogether!
A good way to do this is to be careful with your tone. The author of The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman, once said that your spouse will usually interpret your message based on your tone of voice and not on the words you use. Keep in mind that even when a person is completely wrong, they don’t think that they are. Avoid entering a conversation in attack mode, even if you’re thinking, “My husband hates me and wants a divorce.” Avoid criticism because it’s dangerous, will damage his pride, and hurt his sense of self. All of these feelings lead to resentfulness, which is not something we want.
My husband acts like he hates me: Engage with each other
You know, some people leave a marriage by divorcing and other people simply do it by living parallel lives.
You might be thinking, “I think he hates me” at this moment in time, but don’t allow the disconnect between you and your husband to grow and intensify. Instead, focus on engaging with one another and actively sharing things. Come up with new activities to enjoy together and focus on freshness. Try to go to new places. Keep in mind that your old usual haunts could actually bring up negative memories so prioritize newness. The more you experience together and the more fun you have, the more the complicity between you is restored. What’s more, it will help your husband to stop hating you and begin to see you in a new light!
Don’t coast through life minding your own business! Invest in building your relationship and communicating the right way!
Active listening when dealing with hostility in the relationship
Human beings have a nasty habit of feeling like we always have to have the last word. This leads to many arguments simply because we don’t listen to understand; we listen to have something to bounce off of with a counter argument.
One of the best ways to make your husband feel that you respect and care about him is by actually listening to what he is saying to you, instead of just listening so that you can throw in your response. I like to encourage my clients to “actively” listen, which means responding in a way that makes their partner feel heard.
For example, instead of launching a counterattack or interrupting his words, you can say, “Ok, I understand. What you’re saying is that ____,” and then express what you’d like to say. This shows that you’re paying attention and you want to understand what he’s trying to express to you. It creates a less hostile environment and helps you to work together towards finding a solution as a team.
In addition to this, another important thing about communication (especially when you feel like your husband hates you) is listening to the things that he’s not explicitly saying to you. A lot of people carry heavy emotional baggage, aka wounds that are being carried into this relationship from past experiences. It could be insecurities, unrealized dreams, disappointments, etc. You are in a committed relationship with this man, so you have front row seats to his likes, dislikes, and his past. Make sure that you look beneath the surface whenever you two are discussing something important – especially when it’s an argument or a conversation big had in an intense period.