Earlier today, I received an email from a man named Eric, who had reached out because he caught his wife cheating a few days ago. The emotions and the panic that he shared through his email are so common in these types of situations, that I knew the subject warranted its very own article.
When you catch your significant other having an affair, it can lead to a whole mess of challenges that you will need to overcome. The first of which, unsurprisingly, is the decision of whether or not to stay in the relationship. I wanted to write this article for you today to offer you a bit of guidance.
I know that this is one of the most painful situations you’ve ever experienced, but I want you to know that there are solutions available to you.
Because we work with so many people who are struggling with the aftermath of infidelity, I wanted to compile some of our most powerful tips and techniques in one place for you.
Though I cannot make the decision for you and you are the one that must decide whether or not you’re going to stay in this marriage, I can give you some tools to help make the decision much easier. As we dive deeper into the article, I’m going to explain what needs to happen in order or couples to survive cheating.
Contrary to popular belief, a marriage can survive cheating, but it’s going to depend on some concrete factors. We’ll go over those together, and by the time you reach the end of this article, you’re going to have a much better idea of which way to turn and what to do. It is our goal to provide you with everything you need in order to be happy and fulfilled in your love life, so let’s get started!
Eric had his suspicions about his wife straying, but it wasn’t until he stumbled across a stream of messages between her and her close friend that he learned that his doubts had been rooted in truth.
They shared a computer and his wife had forgotten to close her iMessages. He couldn’t fight the temptation to read the conversation after the guy’s name caught his eye. Sadly, he learned that his wife has been cheating on him with someone she had met at work, and the news was devastating.
He didn’t want to believe what he was reading and when the reality of the situation finally hit him, he didn’t know how to confront her. Admittedly, he wound up doing one of the things that am going to warn you against, but she ended up confessing.
She told him that the affair had been going on for about five weeks, but that she was ready to cut ties with the other man so that they could heal their marriage.
At first, as you can imagine, Eric wanted nothing to do with the thought and was ready to file for divorce. He did, however, take some time to really think about things. This was right around the time that he reached out to us for help and guidance. He wanted to know if his marriage could be saved, and if so, how to do it.
The great news was that yes, their relationship could be saved because in the end, both of them were willing to make the necessary changes to ensure that they could head down a new path together.
In this article, I am going to share with you the criteria for surviving cheating in your marriage, I will give you tools to help you make the right decision, and I will provide you with techniques that will turn your marriage into something much more resilient should you choose to move forward with it!
When Eric first reached out, saying, “I caught my wife cheating,” he expressed that he was afraid that he would never be able to move past this. Trust had been broken on such a profound level that he wasn’t sure how he would ever be able to forgive her and learn to trust again.
The thing that we need to keep in mind is that when cheating occurs, it has a serious effect on how you view your partner, but it also has a sizable effect on how you view yourself.
When you’re in a situation where you’re thinking, “I caught my wife cheating, now what, you can wind up with doubts about your lovability, your attractiveness, and what you bring to this relationship. That said, it’s going to be very important to allocate ample time to healing.
Not only will this allow you to move forward in a productive way, but it will also help you to make the right choice regarding your relationship. The hardest thing is to make decisions when you’re overwhelmed with emotions. So let’s go through the process of putting the pieces back together after cheating step by step.
As Eric did, you are probably thinking about whether or not to stay. It is a very difficult decision to make indeed, and you might feel paralyzed when you’re in the thick of it. You don’t know what to do and you don’t want to wind up making a decision that you later regret.
So, the first thing I want to share with you is that our philosophy is based on the principle of unity. We have built the Happily Committed Project to help couples stay together and offer them the tips and tools they need in order to make their relationships stronger than ever before.
One thing to keep in mind (and I say this after working with over tens of thousands of individuals over the years), is that the grass isn’t always greener. In many cases, by leaving, you’re trading one set of issues for another.
It makes sense that you’d want to exit the relationship when you’re feeling this onslaught of negative emotions, and that is perfectly normal, but I cannot stress the importance of taking your time with this enough. I cannot make the decision for you; it is something that you’ll need to think about.
I can, however, tell you that I have seen so many cases where a run-in with cheating actually made the relationship stronger than ever. I know how strange that may sound to you, especially when you’re in the middle of dealing with this, but there have been so many cases where couples come back to me saying that they’re actually grateful that they had to overcome such a challenge.
Why? Because it opened their eyes to how much they’re willing to fight for each other and what kind of issues needed to be rectified in their relationship, and it helped them to hit the reset button.
Another thing I like to remind my clients is that we are supposed to go through challenges (and sometimes even crises) as a couple, because this is what helps us to grow and prove our love for each other. We can’t think that life is all sunshine and rainbows. Relationships do face crises, and you are facing one now.
Now, let’s take a look at how to make the right decision when your wife was caught cheating. The first thing we need to take a look at is whether or not your wife is willing to work to make things right. Is she committed to trying to make this work? Is she fighting to find solutions?
This is a two-way road, and I can tell you right now that one person cannot fix this alone. This is one of the biggest things you need to take into consideration. If your wife is not willing to put in the effort, this isn’t going to work, and you aren’t going to be truly happy.
If your wife is willing to compromise, willing to work on becoming a better version of herself, there is no issue that you can’t overcome together as a couple. As long as you are also willing to take accountability and pull in the same direction, this marriage CAN survive cheating.
When you’re united and are operating as a team, there is nothing that you can’t overcome. I want to stay on a positive note and give you some words of motivation because it’s all too easy to assume the worst when you’re feeling low. And truth be told, these words of motivation come from experience.
As always, we are here to help. As I said, we’ve helped thousands of people, and it would be our pleasure to help you, too. To work with me or a member of my team, all you have to do is click here!
As I explained above, taking the time to heal is essential. Being cheated is incredibly difficult because you feel betrayed by the one you love most. We are imperfect beings and sometimes a person will hurt the person they love, and the aftermath of that is incredibly challenging to overcome.
Again, it’s not impossible, but a large part of it will depend on you taking the time to heal properly. Once you do this, you can approach the situation with your wife in the most productive way possible.
Before I get into that, I want to take a second to talk about confrontation. If you haven’t done so already, you’re probably wondering how to confront a cheating spouse. Taking some time for yourself plays a role in this because the best time to confront someone is when you’ve taken a moment to calm down.
When you see red because you’ve only just caught your wife cheating, you’re going to launch into attack mode, which will not be conducive to a productive conversation. When a person feels attacked, they’ll immediately put walls up. They will be more inclined to try to deny the truth or be resistant to talking to you about it. The conversation won’t be solution-oriented. Instead, it will be about pointing fingers.
When you’ve taken the time to calm your emotions and calmly confront your wife about cheating, all you need to do is express to her what you know and give her the floor to explain.
It is normal that you would be hurt and upset, but try to remain as calm as possible so that your partner can sense that you’re willing to listen to her side of the story. That way, she’ll be less inclined to shut you out or deny the truth. I should mention – do as much as you can to be 100% certain that your wife is cheating before you confront her with this accusation. It is very difficult to “take back” an accusation of this caliber, and I have seen couples actually break up as a result of a false accusation.
So. let’s talk about how to rebuild your sense of wellbeing after you caught your wife cheating. The very first step is to strive to forgive quickly. This doesn’t mean that you’re excusing your wife’s actions and that you’re just letting her off the hook immediately. It’s more about releasing the burden from your heart and committing to forgiveness. If you’re truly going to forgive someone, you have to commit to it every single day. It’s not an easy thing to do, but the more you commit to it, the more natural it will begin to feel, and the less you will fixate on the pain that this situation has caused you. Again, you just have to be careful to ensure that your wife is willing to make changes that will ensure that this never happens again. If she cheats on you and leaves you, forgiveness is important for your own sense of wellbeing, but I would not encourage you to fight to make the relationship work at all costs.
Something to keep in mind as you work through this is that pain and adversity can help us grow. It is through the biggest challenges that we are able to push ourselves to become the new and improved versions of ourselves. This is true both on an individual level and on a relationship level. You have to choose to see this pain and this adversity in a positive way. It can destroy this relationship OR it can transform it, and this all lies in your mindset. It can be a wonderful chance to talk about things and issues that have flown under the radar, and it can shine a light on whatever needs to change. We often fall into a routine and issues undermine the relationship without us realizing until we receive a big electroshock like cheating.
The thing is, cheating is generally a symptom of a much deeper-rooted issue. I encourage you to therefore have these conversations with your wife and talk about the things that you both feel need to change, and work as a team to define longterm solutions! Share your fears and your needs, and give the floor to your wife so that you can hear hers, too. Talk about how you can make your relationship stronger, and how you can turn this obstacle into something that lays the groundwork for a relationship that is more fulfilling than ever before.
Remember that misery loves misery, and it’s too easy to let yourself feel sorry for yourself. Yes, it’s an awful thing that you experienced, but dwelling on it is not going to help anything. It’s just going to prolong the painful period. So don’t be a victim! Break out of that and fight to become the best version of yourself. You have power over this, so don’t ever forget it! Another thing to remember is to not let your wife’s actions be a reflection of your self-worth. It hurts very much to be cheated on, but don’t dwell in the way that feels, and don’t dwell on feelings that make you feel less-than or worthy of being cheated on.
I say this because I often find that when I’m working with someone who tells me, “I caught my wife cheating” or “I caught my husband cheating,” they wind up feeling that somehow they deserved it. They can be extremely hard on themselves. Part of this has to do with self-confidence, and part of this has to do with a defense mechanism. On a subconscious level, they feel that if they internalize this, or in other words if they feel that this is somehow their fault, then somehow they’re in control of the solution as well. While it is good to be focused on finding solutions and remembering that you have the power to fix this, it’s very dangerous to assume that all of this is your fault. This can cause serious cracks in the foundation of this marriage, the dynamic between you, your sense of self-confidence, and your personal happiness. It’s crucial that you keep things in perspective and remember that marriage is a two-way road. If there is a problem, then both parties have a hand in it! Make sure you’re honest with yourself about the things that you could do better and allow yourself to accept that not all of this was under your control.
Cheating is less about you and more about issues that your wife needs to address. Yes, I keep saying that it takes two to tango, but be careful with taking on too much blame. At the end of the day, it is your choice. It’s up to you whether you want to fight for this relationship or if you know that you’re never going to be able to accept this and need to move on. As a love and relationship coach specialized in healing relationships, I can tell you that it’s possible to move past this, but you have to be willing to rebuild a healthy marriage together. It takes tremendous strength and commitment from both parties to make this happen.
And when you succeed, that is what makes it taste so sweet! You will have worked together to overcome something very challenging, and you successfully did it. Love has its challenges, and there are many obstacles to overcome. When you can stick together and work as a team to conquer these roadblocks, you prove to yourselves what you are capable of and how strong your bond really is.
I know that after something like this happens, you want to know if your wife is going to cheat on you again. You probably have your walls built very high right now, and you feel like you’re on high alert. You know that you won’t be able to move forward from this affair if you can’t trust her. We’ve worked with thousands of people in these situations, so I wanted to provide you with some of the indicators when a person is likely to cheat again.
So, the first sign that a person is more likely than not to cheat again is when they denied having cheated with all their might and only admitted it because you had concrete evidence. If your wife doesn’t carry that sense of guilt of accountability that is necessary in order to keep her from cheating again, you might wind up experiencing this again. Denying and only coming clean when they’re put into a corner is not a good sign. It’s a big red flag that you need to be aware of.
The next thing to keep in mind whether or not she’s taking responsibility for her mistake. If she’s trying to blame you for it and tell you that she would never have cheated if you had been different, it doesn’t bode well. Why? Simply because it’s not setting the stage for a dynamic where you can work towards creating solutions together as a team. It’s another indicator that she doesn’t feel the remorse that a person feels if they’re going to put in the work to make this right. If your partner doesn’t genuinely see that what she did was wrong or that has caused you a significant amount of pain, then it is unlikely that she’s going to change her behavior.
People change when they’re inspired to change, not because they have no choice. A person doesn’t stop cheating only because it bothers their partner; they’ll stop cheating because it’s something that bothers them. They’ll stop when they truly feel that it was wrong and are ashamed of it having happened. To take it a step further, if she doesn’t have empathy or if she doesn’t acknowledge how much this hurts you or undermines the relationship, we have a problem. If she can’t consider how much of an effect her actions have on your experience in this relationship, then it means that she’s only thinking of herself. As you can imagine, this will not help a relationship thrive. Without understanding how much it hurts you, why would she be motivated to change the behavior? Or to be a better partner? We need to ensure that she’s truly in this relationship with you and that she’s willing to make changes that protect you and your marriage.
It’s also very important to pay attention to the variables that you’re in control of vs. the things that you are not in control of. Your wife’s ability to develop empathy is not in your control. Focus on what you can work on or contribute to make this relationship better. If your wife isn’t willing to take accountability for her actions or for how they made you feel, things aren’t looking great. You’re in control of making an effort to lay out a new foundation that is much stronger so that your marriage can thrive, and it’s up to your wife to hold up her end of the deal and do the same. Make sure you’re paying attention to these details if you want to know whether or not your marriage can survive after your wife is caught cheating.
Another question that I am often asked is, “How can couples survive and recover from cheating?” The response to this question could be very black and white. I could easily say, “Yes! You should fight for this,” or, “No, leave her.” But I am not speaking to you in person right now, so I cannot gage the details of your situation, so instead, I will share a success story. I really want to help paint a picture of what kind of scenario there needs to be in order to a relationship to successfully survive an affair.
Hopefully this helps you to develop your own opinion and observation about your situation. I’ve been coaching someone named Matthew throughout the last year that had come to me, devastated because his longtime girlfriend had been having an affair. She had cheated on him multiple times with the same person. When he confronted her about it, she came clean and stopped speaking to the man that she was having an affair with. Matthew was having a lot of difficulties moving past this and feeling like they’d be able to save the relationship. He was having doubts that he would be able to be respected, that she would be able to be trustworthy… In other words, he was afraid to trust her. She broke the trust in the relationship and he didn’t know how to move forward.
So we started by focusing on personal development-based exercises. The goal was to find ways to allow himself to feel safe with her and in their relationship again. He also needed to learn how to feel safe within himself again. Like I said above, cheating not only influences the way you feel about your partner, but it also affects the way you feel about yourself. Like many people in Matthew’s shoes, he felt like he wasn’t good enough. As we started to work together, he started to make some very powerful observations that actually wound up saving his relationship. For example, throughout the years that he was with Caitlyn, he had become so busy with work and his own projects that he began to neglect her. His time was so occupied with his own things that she was often left on her own, she rarely had his attention, and she was feeling like she wasn’t a priority.
When Matthew was able to dive into this personal development journey, he was able to realize that there were deeper issues that gave rise to the cheating in the relationship. That, of course, does not excuse cheating, but Matthew was able to see that there were concrete things that he could change in order to help heal their relationship. Everyone has room for growth and everyone has things they have to work on. Everyone messes up, but if you’re lucky, both of you can grow from it. In regards to Matthew, he has made so many changes and improvements that he is no longer the man I met a year ago. I am happy to say that his relationship with Caitlyn is thriving now.
Remember, everyone makes mistakes. It’s the people that can grow from the mistakes that deserve another chance. If you’re with a compulsive cheater, that’s a different story. But if you’re with someone who slipped and made a mistake because she was too afraid to communicate that she felt alone or neglected for a long time, and she’s able to recognize the error she made and the reasons behind why it happened, and if you’re willing to focus on personal development, then this relationship can survive.
Even if you’re thinking, “What can I do after catching my wife cheating on me,” know that if you’re growing and your wife is growing, if you’re able to identify the right solutions, then this marriage has what it takes to survive.
As you’ve come to understand, there is no point in hiding the fact that infidelity will have a powerful effect on you and you will feel the pain of it very acutely, but something that I always remind my clients is that forgiveness is a choice. If you make the decision to drag your wife through the mud for the mistake and the choice that she made, you’re making a choice not to allow your relationship to move on from theis ordeal. This is something that you absolutely must keep in mind. Yes, she will need to understand the gravity of the situation, but once that has been established, holding on to a grudge will only damage your marriage.
It’s also important to note that forgiveness does not just magically happen from one day to the next. You don’t just wake up the next day feeling like everything has gone back to normal just because you decided to forgive your wife for cheating. We are talking about the rest of your life and whether or not you can live with the fact that your wife cheated on you. If you want to forgive her for being unfaithful, it must be a choice that you actively commit to every single day. It can’t just be for the next few days. It’s important to note that this is something that is in YOUR power. It relates more to you than it does to your wife.
Forgiveness is in YOUR hands alone and it is something that you develop by working on personal transformation. The road to forgiveness will require you to get to know yourself, be kind to yourself, and remember that love is a very complex thing. It isn’t easy to get it right all the time. Good people can make bad mistakes, and love is not luck. It’s a skill. And as painful as it may be, sometimes skills are best learned through trial and error.
If your wife was caught cheating, but wants to change, grow, and fix this relationship, your choice is whether or not you’re going to allow her to make things right. If you decide not to allow her by not forgiving her, and you want to keep her in the marriage only to punish her, both of you will suffer. You would only be setting this marriage up for failure, and I really need to stress the importance of this. It’s 100% normal to be upset, you’re a human being with emotions, but we need to keep an eye on destructive behavior that would only make matters worse.
If you try to want to heal your marriage after an affair, you have to make the choice to forgive your wife every single day. There is a simple exercise that we give to clients and it’s all about practicing affirmations in the morning. With this simple exercise, you can determine how you’re going to feel and think today. This is how you can decide how to perceive the world, and a positive mindset can really set your relationship up for success. So, if you have decided to forgive your wife for cheating, begin all of your days by choosing to forgive. Tell yourself that today, you are going to remember that people make mistakes and that you and your wife will come out stronger as a result of this. Create a mantra out of it. Tell yourself that you will allow your wife to grow from this mistake.
If you can follow through with your commitment to your personal development and your commitment to forgiving your partner, you truly can save this marriage. For years, my team and I worked in breakup recovery, aka helping people get back together with the ones they love, and helping people repair their relationships after infidelity. It is with confidence that I say that if they were able to do put the pieces back together after something as painful as an affair, then you can, too.
I know that if you’re reading this article right now, it means that you want to save this relationship. You don’t want to let this slip through your fingers and you have hope that it can be repaired. If you didn’t believe this, you wouldn’t be reading this article. You would have already given up and walked away.
I hope that after reading this article that you feel more optimistic about the future. There is no doubt that experiencing cheating is an incredible blow to your ego, trust, and sense of well-being. But as I’ve been saying throughout this article, if you recognize that your wife is willing to grow from this experience, then you can save this marriage. You can ensure that this doesn’t happen again. Just make sure that you’re keeping your eyes open to:
1. Ensure that she understands the gravity of the situation
2. Make sure that she’s willing to grow and make changes so that this doesn’t happen again
3. Choose forgiveness every single day
4. Work as a team to define longterm solutions together
5. And use this as an opportunity to set out on a new path that makes your relationship better than ever before.
As always, we are here to help, so please don’t hesitate to reach out. To work with me or a member of my team, all you have to do is click here. By asking you targeted questions, we can create a customized action plan to help you reach your goals. Join the Happily Committed project and transform your marriage in a meaningful and dignified way. We have also created a special program designed to help you move past an affair with grace and peace of mind. We want to offer you all the tools you need in order to experience the relationship you’ve always wanted.
You and your wife can be stepping into one of the most wonderful chapters of your marriage right now. It often takes an electroshock like this to get a couple back on the right course.
I sincerely wish you the very best,
Your relationship coach when your wife was caught cheating,
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