Here at Happily Committed, we have over twenty years worth of shared experience in the field of love and relationships, and one of the most common questions we are asked is, “How to repair a marriage.”
You know, it’s not really something that we learn in school and most of us just learn through the examples we see around us as we’re growing up, but the truth is that romantic relationships are incredibly complex. There are so many elements at play, and it can be so challenging to navigate the dynamic between you and another person.
Many people mistakenly think that love is enough to conquer any problem that a relationship faces, but the truth is that love is not enough. The key to success truly lies in learning how to create a foundation in your marriage that protects it from the inevitable challenges that will pop up along the way.
A lot of people have this idea that relationships are all sunshine and rainbows, and when a problem arises, they panic because they aren’t equipped to handle it.
The thing is, if you lean how to repair a marriage, lay out a more stable foundation and tackle the issues at hand, you will see that the challenges your relationship is currently facing are actually what can help it to reach its full potential.
I know that that may sound a bit counterintuitive to you, but all of these experiences are learning experiences, and I am here to show you how you can turn this into a catalyst for very positive change. In today’s article I want to give you some of the most powerful tips and tools I share with my clients and set you up for long term success in your marriage, so let’s dive right in!
I often tell my clients that the issues they are facing right now that are threatening to pull them apart are actually huge blessings in disguise, and the vast majority of them look at me and say, “What do you mean?” And trust me, I know how it can sound.
You’re probably reading this right now thinking, “Ok so the hardest ordeal that I’ve had to go through with the person I love is actually a good thing? …How on earth…?”
The truth is that when a relationship goes through a trying period, the two people involved are essentially being shown that it’s time to make some changes. Something is clearly not working in the relationship, so this is a wakeup call to zero in on what that is and what you need to do about it.
I was working with a couple not so long ago who had come to me asking for ways to repair a broken marriage because there has been infidelity in the past. Michael was a very successful tech startup entrepreneur in his mid-30s, and there was serious tension between him and his wife because she was convinced that he was being unfaithful to her.
He had been unfaithful in the past and trust had been broken, and so his wife had become extremely vulnerable and insecure. The problem was that trust was never fully restored and it was eating away at the foundation of their relationship. She had been threatening to file for divorce for months and he didn’t know what to do to rebuild trust and to make her love him again.
Even though Michael had not cheated on his wife with anyone this time around, the emotional baggage and past negative behavior had completely eroded all the trust and goodwill built over years in their marriage. I remember him saying, “If you can make her love me again, you’re a genius, and I’ll be forever grateful.”
He had a lot of childhood issues and destructive negative behaviors that he needed to work on, but he was extremely resilient and absolutely committed to doing whatever it takes to keep his family together and to make his wife fall in love with him all over again.
We worked together over a period of a few months, we zeroed in on the root of the problems, we reestablished healthy communication, he took ownership of his past negative behaviors and they have now rebuilt a solid common life project. Michael, Lisa and their 3 children are now happier than they’ve ever been.
The last I spoke to him, he told me that he was grateful for the experience because it actually helped him and his wife to come back together, and this is why I love what I do so much. Even the hardest situation can turn into a wonderfully positive thing, as long as you are open to help and guidance!
I should also mention that the fact that you’re reading this article right now says a lot about you. In many cases, I see that people become depressed and closed off when their relationship is experiencing a difficult period, and they choose to isolate themselves and wallow instead of taking action.
You, on the other hand, are being proactive and have already sought out helpful information that will help you to fix this situation. This type of mindset is one of the key ingredients for repairing a marriage!
When it comes to repairing a marriage, the first thing you need to do is take some time to analyze the situation. I know that it’s often easier to just sweep the problems under the rug and try to find bandaid (temporary) solutions, but this isn’t going to heal the cracks in the foundation of your marriage.
So many clients try to repair their marriages simply by going on vacation together, or by trying to turn a blind eye to the rocky parts of their relationship. We saw this a bit in Michael’s situation, because they hadn’t tackled the broken trust element that stemmed from his infidelity.
For this reason, when you’re thinking about things to do to fix your marriage, the first thing you need to do is take a step back and look closely on what is going wrong. Think about what the issue is or what the issues are, and think about when it all began.
The clearer picture you have of what kind of problem your relationship is experiencing, the easier it will be to pinpoint the appropriate solution. If you have no idea what’s going on, it’s going to be nearly impossible to identify the solution. It’s uncomfortable and stressful, but it’s a crucial element of repairing a marriage.
In many cases, a couple would actually benefit from a temporary separation, and this is something that we suggest to clients who are in a situation in which their relationship has become a hostile environment. To quickly summarize for you, taking a break in a marriage is often the best way to give yourselves some perspective and hit the reset button.
It is normal that the idea of it would make you feel anxious and scared, but I can honestly tell you that it is one of the most effective techniques that we use. When you’re in the thick of it, when you’re in the middle of the storm, it’s really hard to see things clearly.
Tensions are running high, there are so many emotions, so of course it would be difficult to have a calm, collected, and productive conversation about what needs to change.
Sometimes we just need some time to cool off and evaluate our needs. The other thing is that when you give yourselves the chance to recalibrate, you also give yourself the chance to get back in touch with the person you where when the two of you first fell in love.
With all the challenges and responsibilities that life throws our way, it is so easy to lose track of ourselves. Plus, when you love someone, it’s easy to dedicate all your time and energy to the relationship and inadvertently lose track of yourself.
This is why a huge part of how to repair a marriage actually requires you to fall back in love with yourself. Whether you choose to take a break or not, you absolutely must take the time to reconnect with your own sense of wellbeing. For this reason, I highly encourage you to make time in your schedule for the people and activities that bring you joy. Prioritize these things because the happier you feel in your personal life, the easier it will be to feel positive in your relationship. If you have a positive frame of mind, problem-solving becomes significantly less daunting. It is little shifts like this that can make a world of difference.
It is also why physical exercise is so important. If you make time to exercise at least two times a week, you will pick up on a big shift in your mental state. And I don’t just mean doing three sit-ups! I mean taking the time to actually do something that makes you break a serious sweat. The more you can sweat, the more tension you will release from your body and the more tension you release from your body, the easier it will be to tackle the issues at hand in a calm and collected way. This is also why we recommend meditation. Allowing your mind and body to be in a relaxed state is truly going to do wonders for the current situation.
Sometimes, when I tell people that one of the things to do to fix a broken marriage is physical exercise, they don’t understand how the two things could be related. But that’s the thing about repairing a marriage – it’s all about the little things that help to lay out a new foundation. You can’t just flick a magic wand and expect your marriage to be repaired overnight. That just isn’t realistic. Instead, you have to take a look at all the little shifts that you can make that combined, will make a world of difference. Once you start making changes in your personal life, it will be easier to make changes in your relationship. I’m sure you have heard the quote, “You cannot fully love another person until you love yourself,” right? Well, this could not be more true!
Many of the couples I work with really struggle with proper communication because again, this isn’t something that we learn in school! On top of that, there are so many people that are defensive without realizing it, so many people that are dismissive without realizing it, and so many people that bottle things up and expect their partners to be able to read minds without realizing it.
By learning communication techniques that make it significantly easier to understand one another and express your needs, you can see a spectacular transformation in your relationship. Communication is a pillar of a successful relationship, and it is essential. Without it, there is no way to resolve conflict, express your wants and needs, share emotions, and connect on a deeper level. You can’t work as a team, and operating as a team is truly crucial. I highly recommend checking out this program because it is truly a goldmine of information.
By restoring communication, you’re able to practice empathy, understand one another, and work in terms of common interests. I see so many couples that don’t realize that they’re pulling in opposite directions, and it’s all because there’s a disconnect. They don’t realize that they can find common ground and work together if they learn to speak to each other in the same language. And I obviously don’t mean that one person is speaking Spanish and the other is speaking Chinese – I mean that you have to learn how to communicate with each other in a way that resonates with both of you. This is also why I encourage you to pay close attention to what your love languages are. We’ve written an in-depth article on the art of attraction within a relationship, and there is a section that goes over what these 5 Love Languages are. Go ahead and click the link to learn the ins and outs!
At the end of the day, knowing how to repair a marriage is all about being able to take a step back and analyze the problem(s) at hand, the root, and long-term solutions. The best way to set yourself up for success is by taking some time to reflect, taking some time to take care of yourself, taking some time to understand your partner’s needs, and then coming back together to work as a team to pinpoint the appropriate solutions.
I know that each and every relationship is unique and everyone has their own challenges, but I want you to know that we are here to help. Through our YouTube Channels, our articles on this blog, our program, and our one on one coaching sessions, we strive to give you all the tools you need in order to be able to coach yourself at home through whatever challenge your relationship is facing. To work with me or a member of my team, all you have to do is click here. By asking you targeted questions, we can zero in on the precise cause of the issue at hand and define the best solutions. We can give you the specific tools and techniques that will give you the results you want.
I sincerely wish you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you want to know how to repair a marriage
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