One of the most common questions we receive in emails or in comments beneath our videos and articles is about what to do when you’re no longer in love with your spouse. Unfortunately, it’s a very common issue that people face in their love lives, so they wind up wondering if they should fight to save their marriage, if it is even possible, or if they should turn the page and move on. In today’s article, I am going to help you differentiate between a truly unhappy or even toxic marriage, and one that just needs a bit of a reboot. I am going to help you determine whether or not getting a divorce would be your ticket to happiness or if this marriage still merits a chance. Then, for those of you who decide to fight for this marriage, I will offer you some tools to help you bring love back into your relationship with your husband.
I cannot make the choice for you, but I can use my expertise to give you a 360-degree view of the situation. The more information you have, the easier it is to make the right decision. Many times, people feel paralyzed with anxiety simply because they don’t know what solutions are available to them, and what factors they need to pay attention to in order to make the right choice. It is my intention to give you everything you need in order to set you up for longterm success in your love life!
Here at Happily Committed, we have over twenty years of combined experience and have coached tens of thousands of people all across the globe. We have dedicated our lives to studying romantic relationships so we can confidently tell you what works and what doesn’t. So if you want to find the right tools to figure out whether or not you want to stay in this marriage, you have come to the right place.
I received an email from Caroline just this morning. In her message, she asked, “How is it that I could fall out of love after we had shared so much? For the last seven years I thought that this man was my soulmate, so how is it that I am feeling so disconnected from him now? I don’t even know where we went wrong or what happened down the line, but I can’t find those feelings that I used to have for him. When I see him now, I feel almost annoyed with his presence and I would rather be alone. But when I’m alone I think back on how happy we used to be. So I feel like I’m at a crossroads and I don’t know which way to turn. I don’t think I am in love with my husband anymore, but is there any way to fall back in love?”
Her words really resonated with me because I hear this question so often. If you’re familiar with what we do here at Happily Committed, then you know we strive to give you the tools you need to revamp your relationship and make it into something resilient and truly gratifying. Part of that lies in remembering that relationships will have ups and downs. It’s helpful to think about it as a heartbeat on a monitor. When you see that there are little peaks and valleys, it’s natural and it shows that it’s alive. When it flat lines, well, you know what means. So I want you to keep in mind that moments when things don’t feel quite as magical are perfectly normal. It just means that your relationship is calling on you for some maintenance.
I understand that at this point, you have probably been aware of the fact that there are natural highs and lows in a marriage, but it feels like the low has lasted forever and you’re not sure how to get the high back. That’s where we come in. So let’s dive in and take a closer look at your marriage at this juncture. First, analyze the situation.
The very first thing we need to do is to make sure that this marriage is worth fighting for. We do everything in our power to teach people how to stay together and be happy in their relationships, but there are certain cases in which it truly is time to leave a marriage. Before we get into how to fall back in love with your husband, we need to take a look at your marriage and determine what the best option is. In the majority of cases, people are able to bring the love back, but I want to give you all the information necessary. The more information you have, the easier it becomes to make the right decision.
So what are the concrete signs that your marriage is not worth fighting for anymore? I want to go over the true signs that we’ve been able to identify over the years we’ve spent working with people in challenging situations. The very first sign is when your partner puts their needs over yours, and you’re constantly the one getting the short end of the stick. So ask yourself if your husband is unable to stop putting his needs before yours at your expense, even after you have tried to communicate and rebuild a healthier marriage? If you are feeling overwhelmed and like you don’t exist in this marriage despite everything you try, the marriage is not in good shape. A relationship will be unbalanced if only one person is happy and if that happiness comes at the other person’s expense…
The next thing I want you to keep an eye on is the blame game. We’re all human beings, yes, so there will be a certain amount of finger-pointing from time to time, but if you can’t seem to get out of a constant blame game cycle, it’s a problem. If it’s been months and months of criticism of each other with no solutions in sight, it would make sense that you’d find yourself in a position where you’re thinking about how to tell your husband you don’t love him.
The third sign that indicates a marriage is over when you don’t love your husband anymore is when one or the other person can’t seem to find any goodness in the other. This is a very common thing that I see towards the end of a marriage. People become so consumed by their anger and their resentment that they just lose track of all positive feelings in their marriage. All people have good qualities, unless you’re in a toxic relationship. If you have any doubts, I highly recommend reading this article that will help you determine if you’re in a toxic relationship or not. Of course, if you are, it’s time to exit the relationship.
Another sign to keep in mind is whether or not your partner is trying to cut you off from your friends, family, and things you love to do. Controlling behavior like this is a sign of toxicity, and it’s important to make sure that you’re aware of what’s going on and can establish clear boundaries. The thing is, a relationship is truly like a garden that needs to be nurtured, and even if one person gives up, weeds begin to grow. We do not take divorce lightly here at Happily Committed, so we want to make sure that we give you all the tools you need to avoid it unless it is truly the only way you will be happy again. If your relationship is not toxic and you’ve just fallen out of love, divorce doesn’t have to be the way to go.
Another question that I am often asked is, “Should I get a divorce if I am emotionally disconnected from my husband.” I had a coaching session recently with Lucia, who asked me the same thing. Marriage is such a special thing and in today’s day and age, 53% of marriages in America end in divorce. Unfortunately, for so many people, they can’t seem to figure out how to fix the situation so they opt for divorce. More often than not, they wind up with terrible regrets.
So let’s get right into it. If you’re thinking, “I don’t love my husband and I’m not sure what to do,” the first step is to take a step back and evaluate what you need to do to take care of yourself. You need to detach and make sure that you aren’t letting your emotions take over. Though you may feel emotionally disconnected from your partner, you still experience emotions within yourself that can make it hard to handle the situation in the most productive way. So now you need to take care of yourself.
When you’re feeling frustrated, confused, and out-of-love, it can be hard to listen to how the other person has been feeling. So the next tip I have for you as you begin to sort through all of this is to try to listen to your husband’s feelings and concerns without getting angry and frustrated. This way, you can work on reconnecting with him. Try to listen to his feelings without judgment or anger, and it’s important to not take things personally. At this point, it is crucial that you two acknowledge the situation for what it is and be honest about the fact that you have fallen out of love. Talk about why you are not emotionally connected anymore and seek to find out how your husband feels. This way, you can zero on in what exactly happened that led to the current state of things.
I always try to remind my clients that relationships are comprised of two people, and it takes two to tango. In other words, both people have the responsibility to make it thrive.
As you’re continuing to analyze the situation, try to think back on a particular time that your partner felt unloved. Think about what he was saying and what was missing. If you can zero in on what he was trying to convey to you, then the odds are that you will be able to pinpoint what his biggest emotional needs are. In addition you can figure out what role you can play to ensure that he feels valued and safe in your marriage. Sometimes falling back in love is about empathy. You need to be able to relate to one another in order to pull in the same direction. This is the key to a healthy and happy marriage. Relating and empathizing with your significant other is something I talk about in all of my coaching sessions. You need to be able to understand your partner’s reality because this is the best way to connect and reconnect with them. This will help you to gauge if you’re going to be able to continue to grow and move towards the same goals, or if you two have just outgrown each other.
Again, we need to remember that love has different seasons. If you can think about what you can do to make your husband feel special, you can begin to switch the dynamic between you. By doing so, you can analyze what you can do, and what you’re willing to do to save this marriage. If the desire to recreate the bond between you truly isn’t present, then it may be time to turn the page. If, on the other hand, you are willing to reconnect with him, then please know that you CAN rebuild the emotional connection in time.
Divorce should truly be the last resort, when you know that there is no other option. There are so many tools that can help you to be in a healthier marriage where there is so much joy present. There are solutions available to you, and if you are ready to fight to set your marriage out on a new, more sustainable path, I encourage you to reach out to us for one on one coaching. To work with me, or a member of my team, all you have to do is click here.
If, on the other hand, you find yourself feeling incredibly disconnected, you have no desire to put in the effort to change things, and you know that you’ve already done everything in your power to help save your marriage and it wasn’t enough, then it’s time to move on. As scary as it is, you aren’t alone. We have created a program designed to help people move on from relationships and marriages with grace and peace of mind.
So now it’s time to talk about what needs to happen if you don’t love your husband anymore, but you know you want to all back in love. As I said, this is such a common question. In fact, I receive emails from people almost every single day about what to do when you don’t love your husband anymore like you used to, but you want to reignite the flame. The thing we need to keep in mind is that love isn’t always the way it seems in Hollywood movies. It’s not always passionate love with no problems. There will be times when you feel frustrated and catch yourself thinking, “I wish I were single!”
But I want to give you some tools to help you fall back in love. First, think about your journey with your husband. Think about how you’ve grown together, what you’ve accomplished, and what you’ve shared. Do not only focus on love. Focus also on personal growth and your growth as a couple. I encourage you to focus on what you’ve built together. As human beings, we have a natural tendency to take things for granted and only focus on the negative. We always have this feeling that what we have is not enough. This is why it’s so important to grain yourself to pay attention to the good things in your life. This is how you can propagate more of it. So if you can train your mind to remember all the good things that you have shared with your husband, the love will start to return.
You can begin by taking a pen and a piece of paper, and writing down everything that you are grateful for in this marriage. This helps to remind people that it’s not just about loving someone; it’s also about building something.
The next thing to bear in mind is that if there is not enough love, it means that there is not enough attraction in your marriage. We have also created a special product designed to help people bring attraction back into their relationships, so I highly encourage you to download it by clicking here. For now, I want to bring your attention to the importance of bringing romance back. The best way to do this is to start over. Start dating each other again. It’s time to bring excitement back. You need to attract each other and seduce each other again. The feeling of love fluctuates, so we need to go back to the beginning when you were excited to see each other. We want to bring those butterflies back, and yes, it IS possible. Think about what kind of new activities you can share, and what you can do to get closer. The more you can think outside of the box, the better. Both of you should be making an effort to surprise one another and experience things that you haven’t experienced before. It’s far too easy to fall into a routine of monotony when you’ve been with someone for a long time, and when things start to feel predictable and boring, that intense feeling of love starts to evaporate.
But if you can bring this back, you can get this marriage to the next level. It’s all about attraction and excitement.
When you realize that you are not in love with your husband anymore but you want that to change, you’re going to have to go back to the beginning and start fresh. Sometimes relationships go gown a path that lead to both people feeling dissatisfied, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t change directions. We work with so many people who want to fall back in love with each other, so I would like to share some of the most effective tools with you right here.
When a relationship is on the rocks, it’s very easy to feel responsible and to take all the blame. When this happens, it impacts your self-esteem and this is something that can have a direct effect on the way your partner feels about you. I invite you to pay close attention to the dynamic between you and your husband and determine if this may be how he’s feeling. If you want to fall back in love with each other, you have to fall back in love with yourself. This is true for both people in the relationship, and this is why we always stress the importance of personal development and wellbeing. Both of you should spend ample time doing the things that you love, working towards your personal and professional goals, getting physical exercise, and making sure that you are doing everything in your power to feel good in your daily lives.
Make sure that you take time for reflection as well. What do you appreciate most about your husband? And how has your marriage stagnated? Have you become complacent or overbearing? Has your husband? Try to think about what exactly changed in your marriage and when it happened. Then you can start to focus on relating to your husband and what he’s going through. It’s important to note that I’m not telling you to desperately try to get yourself to fall back in love with him. This will only put pressure on your shoulders that will negatively impact the dynamic between you.
Instead, we need to lay out the right foundation so that love can begin to blossom again. Learn to accept your husband for who he is, even when you don’t like his behavior. When he’s dealing with something, work on not taking things personally. Instead, find ways to help him let off steam and offer him support. He should be doing the same for you. If it isn’t the case, you can lead by example and he can learn what it’s like to do the same for you.
You can also take this time to hone your skills in terms of being vulnerable with him, telling him what your needs are, and expressing to him what you feel. Use this time to consistently do small things to let him know that you’re thinking about him and that you care. These don’t need to be grandiose gestures; it can just be leaving a note for him to find in the morning with something written on it that will make him smile. When you’re falling back in love, take your time but don’t forget to keep the relationship interesting. Enjoy the moment and listen to one another. If you would like to read more about how to boost communication in a relationship, I highly recommend reading this article. I’ve noticed that when people fall out of love, they start living separate lives under the same roof. It’s kind of like witnessing two roommates. Sometimes there is tension, other times there isn’t, but if you are not in love with your husband, make time for each other.
Block off time in your schedule at least once a week to just spend time together doing something that feels nice. Again, it doesn’t have to be an over the top date night. You can cook something together in the kitchen and just spend time talking and being with each other. Think about doing things that the other person enjoys. If your husband enjoys going on hikes, go do it with him and let him show you why he likes it so much. If you enjoy a certain movie, have a popcorn night and watch it with him. Invite each other into your worlds and get to know each other again by spending time together. Whenever you can, try to do new things together! A sense of novelty is a huge asset when you’re working on falling back in love. So do new things, and make plans that you’re both excited about!
As I’ve been saying, we need to rebuild the foundation. When people come to me at the beginning of their relationships asking how to keep it strong, the first thing I tell them is that they have to be able to be happy on their own two feet. They must not live exclusively for their significant other, and they should never depend on their partner in order to be happy. When a person has been with their husband for a long time and they start to fall out of love, sometimes their sense of independence actually becomes too strong and it starts to feel difficult to relate to their partner.
This reminds me of a client that I worked with not too long ago. Janet reached out to me a few months back. She was in her mid-40s and had been married to her husband Fred for close to 20 years, but unfortunately, they stopped being friends a long, long time ago. They had completely disconnected from one another. They were both just coasting through life, focused on their kids, their careers, their friends and their hobbies… but they had completely neglected each other and their relationship. The disconnect was especially apparent every time they went on holidays because they would fight over the most trivial things. During our coaching session, Janet realized that she and her husband would fight every time they were forced to spend extended time together. They had built separate realities even though they lived in the same house and slept in the same bed. Like I mentioned above, they were living like roommates, but they didn’t even like each other anymore. She told me that she wasn’t sure what she could do to. They no could relate to each other, and their lack of empathy or ability to relate to one another were clear signs that the love was gone and something needed to be done.
We worked together on recreating a connection that had been lost between them. There was a lot of work that had to be done on the individual scale, so that they could be proud of themselves and therefore of what they brought to the table. Then, we needed to work on getting them to reconnect again and start dating each other. Little by little, that feeling of something fresh and exciting started to return, and they began to fall for each other again. The last time I spoke to Janet, which was a couple of days ago, she told me that she didn’t think it was possible, but she and her husband were falling back in love again. She said that he hadn’t felt this way in so long, and on some days they even felt like teenagers, sneaking out home from a family dinner so that they could be alone together. It warms my heart to hear success stories like these, and I want to share them with you to show you that things can get better if you adopt the right approach.
It is quite difficult to find the proper balance between not being too needy and not being too distant, but this needs to be our goal. This is true whether you’re thinking, “I love my husband but I’m not in love with him,” or you feel completely disconnected from him, and we need to find this balance. You don’t want to neglect your husband and fall into the other extreme where he plays no role in your happiness and you don’t want him as a part of your life.
I hope that this article has given you some clarity. I know that when you’re thinking “I no longer love my husband,” it can be very challenging to figure out what your next step should be. There are so many emotions, so it can make you feel paralyzed. As I said at the very beginning of this article, the more information you have, the easier it becomes to make a sound decision. As this article comes to an end, I would like to summarize the points we went over together today. The first thing that we go over with clients who have found themselves in this kind of situation is the importance of determining whether or not the marriage is worth fighting for. It really all boils down to whether or not the marriage is toxic, and some of the biggest signs you have to look out for are:
1. When your husband constantly puts his needs over yours, and his happiness comes at your expense.
2. An endless blame game
3. When neither of you can see any goodness in the other anymore
4. When your husband is extremely controlling and is cutting you off from your friends, family, and personal life
If you see these signs, the odds are higher that there is toxicity present in your marriage and it may, in fact, be time to turn the page. At the end of the day, if you or your husband are unwilling to change, if you or your husband thinks that the other person is the only issue, it’s a sign that your marriage is over because a relationship or a marriage is like a garden that needs to be constantly and continuously nurtured and tended to.
If you know that the relationship isn’t toxic and that you two have just gone down a path where you’ve become disconnected over time, there are solutions available to you. Whether there is tension or not, your marriage doesn’t have to be doomed if you don’t want it to be. And that’s the key: you have to WANT to fix this in order for it to be fixed. It is natural for there to be ups and downs in a marriage and for some periods to feel more challenging than others. The process is going to start with self-care because no one can properly love another person if they do not love themselves. This is why we always encourage people to focus on their personal wellbeing by getting more physical exercise, spending more time with people that bring them joy, dedicating more time to their hobbies and projects, and working towards their personal and professional goals. Self-confidence comes from a sense of accomplishment, so the more you’re doing in your day to day life, the better. This will help you to feel better and more in control, and it will influence your approach to your marriage as well.
Not only is self care important for yourself, it is also important for your relationship. It can help you to feel more confident in the choices you make and it makes it easier for you to analyze what you’re willing to do in regards to saving this marriage. If you feel peace within yourself, it becomes easier to take an honest look at your marriage and decide whether or not you want to do the work to repair it. When you’re feeling broken down, worried, and depressed about the situation, it becomes easy to feel stuck. Again, you’re never stuck and you’re in control of way more than you might realize!
Then it’s time for communication. You two need to talk to one another about your needs and expectations, and where you disconnected from each other down the line. This is where active listening comes in. It can be hard to hear criticism of yourself and of your relationship, but remember that this is how you define the proper solutions.
And when it comes to solutions, here are the main points:
1. Active listening and communication with one another
2. Think back on a time when your husband felt unloved
3. Think about how you can make him feel cherished
4. Focus on personal growth and your growth as a couple over the years
5. Rebuild attraction
6. Starting dating each other again
7. Remember that small gestures can go a long way
It’s going to be a marathon, not a sprint. I know that you want results as soon as possible, but if you can start making changes now, you’re going to see a shift in the dynamic and you can set yourselves up for long-term success. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us for guidance, as we are here to help you from A to Z. Join the Happily Committed Project and learn how to transform your relationship in a meaningful and dignified way. Even if today you’re thinking, “I don’t love my husband anymore,” it doesn’t mean that it inevitably will have to turn into a divorce. You can work with me or a member of my team by clicking here.
I sincerely wish you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you are not in love with your husband,
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