There is one topic that a client came to me with the other day, and I realized that we haven’t created much content on the subject. It is, however, a very common theme in our coaching sessions! For that reason, I have decided to write an article on for you that will outline how to handle the situation when you are in love with a married man.
It is a very delicate topic and it’s true that it is very taboo. It has probably been difficult for you to get unbiased advice from your friends, but that is where we come in. I want to give you a 360 degree view of the situation so that you can make the best decisions moving forward.
I don’t want you to feel that you’re alone in this challenging situation. Here at Happily Committed, we have committed our lives to helping people live the love lives of their dreams, and we make it our goal to give you all the tips and tools you need to coach yourself through any situation from home.
If you are in love with a married man and you want to know how to handle this situation to ensure that you set yourself up for long-term happiness in love, you have come to the right place. Without further ado, let’s get started!
In love with a married man: Help!
My client came to me with a very clear question. She said to me, “I have fallen in love with a married man. He is someone that I’ve known for a long time, and over the years, he and I have gotten closer and closer. I am also married and have been for the last eight years.
The thing is, I am obviously not happy in my relationship and I want to be with Richard. He’s told me that he wants to be with me too, but he is still with his wife. I don’t even know if they’re separated or not – he doesn’t talk to me about her. I definitely don’t think she knows about me.
I have so many questions on my mind but one thing is for sure: I want him to leave her and be with me because I think we could be truly happy together. What do I do?”
Alicia (I have changed both her and Robert’s name for privacy reasons) felt paralyzed in her situation because she didn’t know what was going on behind the scenes in Robert’s married life, and she was ready to leave her husband for him. So we began our work together.
When I am working with someone who is in love with a married man, or is falling in love with a married man, I always tell them that this is an extremely delicate situation and that they need to be very careful. The beginning of a relationship is a crucial period during which you are establishing ground rules, patterns, boundaries and the dynamic between you.
So, I have to be very blunt right off the bat here. It is not a good idea to project yourself into a relationship with someone if that relationship is not stable. At this point, if one or both of you are in a relationship with someone else, the relationship between you does not have a stable foundation. This is problematic.
Under these circumstances, you are not in control of your happiness and your future. There is another person involved, there is another relationship involved, so if you are falling in love with a married man, it is imperative that you make sure that you are keeping distance between you.
@In all the years that I’ve been a love and relationship expert, I have noticed that there is a common theme in these types of situations. And that is the following:
The chances that a man will leave the marriage and family that he’s built for another woman are very slim. If you can maintain distance between you, a couple of things begin to happen. First, it protects you from becoming too invested in someone who is unable to do the same for you.
Don’t give 100% of your attention who cannot or will not give you 100% of theirs. Second, it makes you a challenge. If this relationship between you and this married man is meant to be, he will recognize that you are worth fighting for when he sees that you are not at his disposal.
This is an important element of human nature that plays a big role in attraction, no matter what the details of a situation may be.
But going back to falling in love with a married man, the most important thing you could do for yourself right now is to maintain distance between you. I know this isn’t what you want to hear but it’s the only way to set yourself for success in the future, whether it’s with this man or with someone else who is more available to you.
Something important to understand when you’re in love with a married man
In the majority of cases, a married man will not leave his wife for the woman that he is having an affair with. Men are hunters and if you’re familiar with our philosophy, then you have undoubtedly heard us talk about how much men enjoy the chase. That is one of the main elements at play in extra-marital affairs.
A man can be very attracted to something “forbidden,” or someone that he “cannot have” simply because it’s very exciting and challenging. This is something that I went over with Alicia when she was explaining to me that she could never get Robert to talk about how and when he’s going to end his relationship with his wife.
Men rarely enter into a serious relationship with the person they are having an affair with because they are scared. Scared of losing their wives, losing their families, losing the lives they have built for themselves. And if you are in a situation where you have fallen in love with someone who is married to another woman, I know how difficult it is.
You are in a very tough spot because while you might know that the situation is not ideal, you can’t help the way you feel about him.
There is no beating around the bush here. I would advise against pursuing a married man. But I don’t want to leave you hanging without a game plan to set you on the path to happiness in your love life.
Make sure that you are distant, because that way, you are protecting yourself, making sure that he sees you as a high-value woman, you become a challenge in his eyes, and you are showing him that he needs to take you seriously. You won’t be in a relationship with him unless there is no one else involved.
It is up to you to set boundaries because at the end of the day, we need to be careful with how we accept from others because we are in essence teaching them how to treat us.
If this man leaves his wife, then you can think about having a relationship with him and creating a foundation that sets you up for long-term success in love with him.
The next thing you need to keep in mind when you love a married man is that all men want to be happy. So, this means that if he can see a happy future with you, he will be more inclined to make the decision to be with you officially.
How do you make this happen? Well, first of all, you have to make sure that you are living a life that is fulfilling, a life that you are proud of. If you are living a life that he would be a fool to not want to be a part of, he will be much more likely to choose you as his partner.
There is a big difference between telling him about mundane activities in your life and telling him about what you recently crossed off of your bucket list. Men want to be inspired, they want to dream, they want to project themselves in an incredible relationship… Just like you do! You have to sell your life if you want someone to want to be a part of it. So remember, a man wants to see his future. And if you want to make sure that he can picture an incredible relationship with you, you have to talk about the special things you’ve been doing. If you can combine this with the distance that you put between you, he will start to see you in a new light.
Now, I really do need to stress the fact that falling in love with a married man and having a relationship with him is not a good idea. There are almost 7 billion people on this planet and you can be with someone who can give you as much as you are willing to give them. I have seen so many people suffer in this type of situation because they have fallen in love with someone who is unavailable, unready, and unwilling to be in a serious relationship with them, and only them.
I want you to know that you deserve 100% of someone’s love – not just 50%, not just 75%. When you are in love with a man who is married, it is best to be distant and to remain a challenge to him. It’s not an easy task, I know, but as I mentioned above, we are here to help you. To work with me or a member of my team, all you have to do is click here and we can help you navigate through this challenging period and set you up for success.
I’m married and I love a married man…
If you’re in love with a married man and also happen to be married, like Alicia, I want to go over some pointers that will help.
When you got married to your husband, you never thought that one day down the line you would fall in love with someone else. On top of that, the person you have fallen for is married to someone else. So, what do you do?
Well, I went over the harsh reality of how complicated it is to forge a serious relationship with a man who is married to another woman, but we also need to take a look at how this is going to affect your life. If you are torn between leaving your current relationship for someone else and staying, the first thing I encourage you to do is to identify the reasons why you fell in love with someone else. Think about what happened, how you got to this place, how long it took you to develop such strong feelings for this man?
The important thing here is to identify how you were feeling before you met this other person? How were you feeling in your marriage? Studies show that people who engage in an affair with another person don’t do so because they’re sexually attracted to someone new; they do it because they feel unappreciated and unloved by their spouse. In the majority of cases, the person who falls in love with someone who is not their husband feels overlooked and neglected by their husband. Now, when they’re feeling valued and loved by another person, the new relationship starts to feel much stronger than the neglected marriage. They feel that spark, that excitement, and the new attention they’re getting makes them feel alive again.
So if you are feeling all the things that you haven’t been receiving from your spouse from this new person, ask yourself this: Are you in love with this new person or with this new feeling?
By determining the reason that you were able to open your heart to someone new, you will find it much easier to make an informed decision on which person you truly want to be with. Do you want to save your marriage or not? Do you want to be with this new person, or not? Do you want to confess to your spouse, or not? Answering these tough questions and deciding how you want to move forward is going to be considerably easier if you really understand how you got here in the first place.
At this juncture, you need to get out of this limbo where you love someone who isn’t your spouse.
Falling in love with a married man who isn’t your husband: An important question to ask
When you’ve found yourself in a situation in which you’re thinking, “Help, I’m in love with a married man and I don’t know if I should leave my husband for him,” I have another question that you need to ask yourself. How did you feel about your spouse in the beginning?
Right now, the feelings that you are experiencing for this other person are very intense and they are very exciting, but it’s important to think about how you felt about your husband when he was new in your life. Did you feel similar to how you are feeling right now? Chances are that you don’t know this new person that well, and that is a big difference between him and your husband. You have to remember that one day, he will no longer feel like something new and fresh in your life, and you have to know think about whether or not you’re prepared to throw away your marriage for this. It’s an uncomfortable thought for sure, but you need to ask yourself if you are willing to throw away what you built with the person you thought would be The One for you, for a hypothetical future with someone that will one day feel much less exciting to you than they do today.
So take some time to ask yourself the hard questions and make sure that you aren’t leaving your husband because you imagine that this new person will stay “new” forever. It is so important to think this through before you decide to end your marriage. One of the worst things we can experience in life is regret, and you are in a period right now where you need to weigh it out. Don’t rush your decision making process and allow yourself to really think about every element of this.
What to do when you’re in love with a married man
As this article comes to a close, I want to summarize what we went over in this article today. I want to ensure that you don’t wind up with any regrets and that you set yourself up for long-term happiness in love.
If you have fallen for someone that is married, the first thing you have to remember is to keep space between you. By doing so, you set boundaries, you protect yourself, and you naturally become a challenge. Next, you want to make it easy for him to see a future with you. The way you do this is simply by building a future for yourself that you’re excited about. All men want to be happy, just like you do, and I cannot stress the importance of this enough – both in your personal life and in a potential future relationship with this man.
To make sure that he can give you what you want, talk about your life and your projects and see how he reacts.
And always remember that there are 7 billion people on this planet so I highly encourage you to find a person who is available to love you in the way that you deserve.
If you happen to be married as well, I encourage you to ask yourself some tough questions that will help you to make the best possible choice:
What are the reasons you fell in love with someone else?
How did you feel about your husband in the beginning?
What are the reasons you want to leave your partner?
It’s so easy to assume that the grass is always greener on the other side, but you know the saying. It’s greenest where you water it. Remember, this new person can feel like something new; like another type of season, but eventually you will see a winter there, too. You will experience bad days, you will experience the routine again, and it has nothing to do with the other person. It has everything to do with you and the type of person you want to be. It has everything to do with the type of person you want to remember yourself later on down the line.
Remember, if you need a helping hand through any of this, I encourage you to reach out to us for one on one coaching by clicking here. Together, we can analyze your situation, ask you pertinent questions, and lay out the groundwork for a truly gratifying love life with the person you’re meant to be with.
I sincerely wish you all the best,
Your coach when you’re in love with a married man