A disconnect has emerged between you and the woman you love. There is tension, there are fights, there is resentment, and you’re left thinking, “My wife hates me and I have no idea how to fix this!” When emotions are running high and the bond you share with someone has been damaged, it’s easy to panic and start trying anything and everything you can possibly think of to be forgiven and win her love back. Unfortunately, this often leads to mistakes that can actually make matters worse and send you into a vicious cycle where the more you try, the more upset she becomes.
It’s enough to keep you up at night and your fears of losing this woman are solidifying, which is why I wanted to write this article for you today.
This is one of the most common topics I deal with in my one on one coaching sessions, so I wanted to provide you with the biggest do’s and don’ts and the most powerful techniques that can turn things around.
Rest assured, I know that your relationship is vulnerable right now but by the time you finish reading this article, you’re going to know how to navigate these waters and get to the other side of the storm!
A situation like this requires action, and you’ve already gone out of your way to seek advice. So hat’s off to you because you’re already on the path towards success! So let’s take a look at what exactly is going on here and what you can start doing about it starting today.
Why does my wife hate me: Understanding the root of the issue
I want to be clear about something right off the bat. The most important thing to do when you find yourself feeling hostility and resentment from your wife is to figure out why she feels this way. A lot of men want to dive in and just get her to stop being upset so they’ll try anything, without actually pinpointing the root of the problem.
Sometimes the reason why your wife hates you right now is more clear cut. For example, perhaps you betrayed her trust, perhaps you were unfaithful, maybe you were caught in a lie or withheld information, or maybe you did something that made her feel disrespected or insulted.
The list can go on and on, but I want you to pay attention to another element at play here.
There are times there’s more to it than you might realize. There are some cases in which a man will find himself thinking, “I love my wife but she hates me” and it’s because of a specific action, but other times the reason behind the hatred is less obvious.
This is why it’s crucial that you take the time to really analyze the situation and determine if there could be a deeper rooted issue at play.
I encourage you to dig deeper and go beyond what she told you (if she’s given you a reason). You’ve got to be able to read between the lines and think about what else could be playing a role in her hostility towards you.
For example, perhaps on the surface the issue is that you were caught in a lie. You might even feel that your punishment is disproportionate to your actions.
Now if you think about the situation as a whole and factor in her past, you might find that she had a relationship that ended because of dishonesty and this has left a sizable scar. Perhaps an insecurity related to broken trust is at play and your plan of action needs to be centered around rebuilding a very deep sense of trust.
Keep in mind that if you do not know what went wrong and why your wife hates you, you will not be able to make things right. When you do understand the core of the issue, we will be able to rectify the situation and you will finally be free of thoughts like, “My wife hates me and wants to leave.”
Not only will your relationship be restored to its former glory, it can actually become better than ever!
I know that things are feeling pretty bleak right now but I can confidently tell you that in my experience as a coach specialized in restoring relationships between two people, sometimes a sizable bump in the road like this can be a blessing in disguise.
I know, I know, it doesn’t feel that way right now! But sometimes a wake up call like this shakes things up so that the pieces can fall back into place in a much better way than before. This can actually be the storm that clears away all the debris that was impeding this relationship from heading down the best path.
Once you understand what went wrong, we can determine what exactly needs to happen to make things right. It all starts with you. You’ve got to understand what exactly your wife needs from you, and what virtues and patterns need to be present in your relationship in order for it to thrive.
Fortunately, you aren’t someone who’s just sitting on the couch thinking, “My wife hates me and I don’t care!” You are motivated, you’re enthusiastic about fixing this and you’re ready to do what it takes!
So you’re going to have to prove to your wife that you have understood the problem and you’re ready to take action and show her concrete changes.
Before I dive into the How-To’s, I want you to keep something very important in mind. The hardest part is not making your wife understand that you’ve changed; it’s actually making the changes and ensuring that these improvements are here to stay.
Once you’ve built these new patterns, you will be able to rebuild communication and the bond that will make your wife understand that your relationship is entering a new chapter that is better than the last!
How come my wife hates me and wants to leave?
There are some common reasons behind why a person can become hostile that might not be so obvious to you, so I want to bring your attention to these elements as well.
One of the most common complaints I hear from women that come to me for help in saving their relationships is that they feel very unappreciated. It’s true that as time goes on, people tend to get lazy in relationships.
They stop prioritizing seduction and the passion starts to fizzle out. Things start to feel monotonous and predictable, and a person can end up feeling very neglected. As a result, you could find yourself thinking, “My wife hates me.”
More often than not this happens without you realizing it, but the result is that the person on the receiving end of it, your significant other in this case, can feel like their relationship isn’t important to you and that you do not find her desirable. In turn, this can foster a sense of resentment that can grow over time and give rise to other problems in the relationship.
The psychologist William James stated that the deepest human need is the need to feel appreciated. If your wife feels misunderstood and not cherished, it’s imperative that you put yourself in her shoes and work on understanding why. What did you do for her in the past that you have stopped doing? What did you share with her before that you no longer share with her now? What kinds of things did you say to her in the past that made her happy that you’ve stopped saying? I encourage you to take a pen and paper and start jotting these things down. If your wife has reason to feel neglected, make it a priority to go out of your way to make her feel special and loved. It will not fix things overnight, but it’s a good place to start.
In addition to these little gestures, start thinking about what other things you can do to make her feel appreciated. Do you show gratitude for the things she contributes to your relationship and your life? Next time you’re at the store, pick up some flowers for her. You don’t need a special occasion to make her feel special. Leave her a note with a compliment that you know she’ll respond to somewhere she can find when she least expects it (for example, in the jar where you keep the sugar). Show her that you’re thinking of her and little by little, as you combine small gestures with concrete changes in your negative patterns, her anger will subside.
Understanding the importance of value and trust when a woman hates you
Women value trust and security just as much as men value freedom and independence, and at this point your actions have made your wife feel resentful. It’s important to note that when she’s feeling hatred towards you, she will be feeling the she can’t be happy with you longterm.
This is why it’s of upmost important that you start showing her that you value her and that she can trust you. Human beings have a tendency to fixate on the negative things in life, and if your wife hates you, that’s exactly what she’s doing right now.
Things have gotten so bad in your relationship that she probably considers it as being all bad. You’re thinking, “My wife hates me, what should I do,” and she’s focusing on your shortcomings and negative behavior. When this happens, the entire relationship has a negative light cast upon it, so she’s got a bad taste in her mouth and can only seem to remember the “bad things that you have done.”
Though that doesn’t sound too great, I do want you to keep something in mind. People often make the mistake of thinking that the opposite of love is hate, and that if your significant other hates you then all hope is lost, but that’s not how it works. The opposite of love is indifference. The fact that your wife hates you right now means that she actually feels quite a bit for you. If she did not love you, your actions would not have such an effect on her.
The Buddha once said, “”Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.” Similarly, a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, reconciliation and a sympathetic desire to see the other person’s viewpoint.
Approaching the situation and your wife’s anger with compassion will get you much further than if you were to approach it in attack-mode or defense-mode. As you begin repairing the damage, keep in mind that she needs to be made aware of how much you value her and how the two of you can communicate with trust and honesty. You two are a team and should be working together, and a little further down in this article I will give you some tools to help you restore your connection and get her back on your side.
I think my wife hates me: The silver lining
Again, I recognize that you probably feel like there is absolutely nothing positive about this situation, but I want to bring your attention to something that will prove to be reassuring.
Crisis actually brings about incredible opportunities. True Love cannot begin until the “honeymoon” experience has run its course, so this crisis is in fact an opportunity for your couple to create a deeper, more meaningful bond that will enable you both to experience a different and more profound type of love. The honeymoon phase of a relationship can be described as the passionate, irrational type of love that is not sustainable. In order to experience true love, a couple needs to experience and get to the other side of hardships. That is when they gain access to true, deep, meaningful and long-lasting love.
This reminds me of one of the people I recently had a private session with. Michael, an extremely successful tech start-up entrepreneur in his mid 30s, reached out to me saying, “My wife says she hates me and wants a divorce because she thinks I cheated on her and I have no idea what to do.” In the past he had been unfaithful and the trust between them had been severely damaged. As a result, his wife had become very vulnerable and felt completely insecure in the relationship. She had been threatening to file for divorce for months and he didn’t know how to rebuild trust and to make her love him again. Though Michael had not cheated on her this time around, the emotional baggage she carried and his negative behavior in the past left a large scar on his wife. All of the trust, complicity and the bonding that they had built up over the years had become completely eroded away. I remember him saying, “Listen, if you can make her love me again then you’re a genius and I’ll be forever grateful!’
Michael had been struggling with a whole slew of issues stemming from his childhood and had exhibited negative, destructive behaviors that he needed to work on, but he was remarkably resilient and absolutely committed to doing whatever it took to save his marriage and his family, and making his wife fall in love with him again.
We worked together over a period of a few months. He took responsibility for his past mistakes and they’ve been able to restore a common life project. I am happy to say that today, he tells me that “There are no more signs my wife hates me” and Michael, Lisa and their three children are happier than they’ve ever been!
It just goes to show that overcoming a challenge like this can truly reinforce your bond and make it stronger than ever.
My wife hates me but I love her: Commitment is a key for success
A lot of people that wind up thinking, “My wife hates me” just resort to pulling the plug on the relationship and moving on. I have to salute you for not throwing everything you’ve built together away. We live in a consumerist society where people just think that everything is disposable, relationships included.
There is a quote by the great Indian philosopher Osho that I love.
“If you love a person and live the whole life with him or with her, a great intimacy will grow and love will have deeper and deeper revelations to make to you. It is not possible if you go on changing partners very often. It is as if you go on changing a tree from one place to another, then another; then it never grows roots anywhere. To grow roots, a tree needs to remain in one place. Then it goes deeper; then it becomes stronger. Intimacy is good, and to remain in one commitment is beautiful, but the basic necessity is love.”
In essence, by committing to this relationship you will strengthen the bond between you, especially when you are faced with challenges. Your mindset is crucial, so it is imperative that you commit to your wife, your relationship, and rectifying the situation if you want to get to the other side of this period. If you fixate on thoughts like, “I don’t understand why my wife hates me so much, I think it’s all over,” you aren’t going to get anywhere. Fixating on negativity and pessimism is only going to hold you back. You aren’t throwing this relationship away so I want you to fully commit to it! Perseverance and positivity are a recipe for success.
Mindset when my wife hates me and wants to leave
When you are faced with hatred from the person you love, your mindset and how you approach the crisis are going to be the fundamental building blocks that will determine your odds of success. Your attitude and your actions will make the difference; not your wife’s anger, not her words in regards to the end of this marriage, and not the mistakes that you’ve made in the past.
It is perfectly normal that you’d be feeling a sense of panic right now in the pit of your stomach. You’re human, you can’t stop thinking, “I feel like my wife hates me,” and you don’t want to lose this woman, but the way you choose to approach your separation prevention is what will matter the most in the end. This actually reminds me of another person I worked with not too long ago in private coaching.
A man in his mid 40s, Dominic, reached out to me when his wife had fallen in love with another man. They have a five year old son together and Dominic was desperate to to whatever it took to keep his family together, make his wife want to choose him over this new man, and commit to working on their marriage again. Dominic and his wife had gone to see a marriage therapist in the past but she did not want to seek counseling anymore because she had already checked out of the marriage and did not see the point. When he first reached out to me, Dominic was a broken man. He was jealous, insecure, and very needy. He was constantly living in fear that he had lost his wife forever.
It took us six months and quite a bit of work in order for him to be able to shift his focus and transform his approach, but he did it! He was able to detach himself from the negative emotions and become the man she had fallen for. His wife stopped seeing the other man and Dominic’s bond with his wife has never been stronger. If he could do it, I know that if your heart is in the right place and you are fighting for the right reasons, you can do it too!
My wife says she hates me: Here’s what to do!
Now it’s time to really dive into what concrete actions you can start implementing in order to make your wife stop hating you and get your relationship back on track. Our goal is to turn a wife that hates you into a wife that is madly in love with you and looks at you the way she did at the beginning of your relationship!
1. My wife hates me, what do I do: Remember that she sees things differently
It’s important to keep in mind that even when people are in the wrong, they usually don’t see it that way. Whether the issue is pride or the actual feeling that they are in the wrong, they don’t think that their actions are unwarranted and that their opinion is incorrect.
Whether you think she’s right or not, the goal is to restore the bond between you and make sure that you are both on the same team again.
2. Avoid criticism when your wife hates you
If you want to be on the same team, which you’re going to have to be if you want to solve this crisis, be careful to avoid criticizing her. Tensions are high enough as they are and we don’t need to conjure up even more negative emotions. Criticizing her, especially at a time like this, is dangerous because it will damage her pride, hurt her sense of self and make her even more resentful towards you.
Once again, we’re trying to work together, not against one another.
3. Take your time when your wife says she hates you
Listen, I cannot stress the importance of this enough. Take your time! This is not a race and If you try to rush this process, you could damage it even more. If you want a solid foundation in this marriage and in your connection with your wife, you have to lay the groundwork, and this doesn’t happen with quick fixes.
Taking your time with it also allows you to do a proper analysis of the root of the issue at hand so you steer clear of just slapping on a temporary bandaid. it allows you to get organized and really tackle the root. It’s hard but it’s an investment in your future happiness together.
What’s a temporary period of turbulence compared to a lifetime of happiness?
4. Pay attention to your tone when you’re in a crisis
One of the things that people often forget is that your tone has more of an effect than your actual words. Gary Chapman, the author of the Five Love Languages wrote “Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use.”
For example, saying, “Sure I’d love to put the groceries away” in a caustic tone of voice isn’t going to be well-received. And speaking of Gary Chapman and the Love Languages, it’s important that you are aware of your wife’s love language. Each and every one of us has a different way that we want to receive love and if a person’s partner does not know how to communicate love in the way that they need, they can quickly begin to feel neglected. I highly recommend you read this book because it can give you wonderful insight on how to make your wife feel cherished!
5. My wife hates me now: Forgiveness
When I say the word “forgiveness,” I am talking about forgiving yourself. You might be feeling sick with guilt about what happened. This guilt can make you beg and plead for forgiveness over and over again which can lead to your wife feeling frustrated and suffocated. If an apology is warranted then by all means, yes, you should apologize but remember: actions always speak louder than words.
6. My wife still hates me: Engage with each other
Some people will leave a marriage by divorcing and other people do it simply by living parallel lives together. Don’t allow the disconnect between you and your wife to grow. Instead, focus on engaging with one another and actively sharing things. Come up with new activities to enjoy together and focus on freshness. Try to go to new places. Your old usual haunts could actually bring up negative memories so prioritize newness. The more you experience together and the more fun you have, the more the complicity between you is restored. What’s more, it will help your wife to stop hating you and begin to see you in a new light!
Don’t coast through life minding your own business! Invest in building your relationship and communicating the right way!
7. Becoming friends again is a powerful way to make your wife stop hating you
Again, you two should be on the same page so actively working on becoming friends again will fuel romance. In addition to this, it serves as powerful protection against the urge or reflex to be aggressive towards each other.
8. Active listening when a person hates you
One of the best ways to make your wife feel that you respect her is by actually listening to what she has to say, instead of just listening so that you can throw in your rebuttal. I like to encourage my clients to “actively” listen, which means responding in a way that makes their partner feel heard.
For example, instead of launching a counter attack or interrupting her words, you can say, “Ok, I understand. What you’re saying is that ____,” and then express what you’d like to say. This shows her that you’re paying attention and you want to understand what she’s trying to express to you. It creates a less hostile environment and helps you to work together towards finding a solution.
9. If you feel that your wife hates you, listen beneath the surface
When it comes to communication, it is just as important to listen to the things that your partner isn’t expressing. I went over this briefly above, but pay attention to her emotional baggage, her dreams that haven’t come true, her insecurities…
10. Pretty sure my wife hates me: Focus on what you CAN control
As frustrating as it is, when you’re thinking she hates me, you have to focus on the things you can control. You can’t just go into your wife’s mind and flick the “hostility” button off. You have to focus on your own actions so that that button will get switched off on its own. One of the biggest gifts that you can give a woman you love is to accept her for who she is rather than allow yourself to be disappointed because she isn’t acting the way you want her to act, or because she isn’t who you want her to be.
Accept her for who she is, accept the changes that you can make, and focus on your actions from here on out!
11. My spouse hates me: Focus on the positive
I know it’s hard to be optimistic when you’re feeling like this, but dwelling on the negatives will not serve you. It’s crucial that you are grateful for her and that you focus on the positive, silver linings instead of what you don’t have right now.
Like I said, negativity and pessimism can be destructive towards your odds of success!
12. Thinking about body language when she hates you
If you interact with your wife in a way that makes her feel that you are feeling negative emotions towards her, things can get messier. For example, if you’re sitting there with your arms crossed, avoiding eye contact, not smiling and just staring at the floor, she could easily think that you’re not feeling too great about her right now, either.
So pay attention to your body language when you’re communicating with her! We have also created a special product specifically designed to help you reignite the attraction between you. I encourage you to take advantage of it by clicking here!
13. Steer clear of putting too much pressure on your shoulders
Sometimes guys who are thinking, “My wife hates me so much” shoot themselves in the foot because they fixate on the goal too much. They’ll experience thoughts like, “If I don’t win her love back right now I’m so screwed, everything will be ruined.. my marriage is going to end in divorce!”
I’ll say it again – this crisis is not going to be solved overnight. One of the keys for making sure that your relationship gets back on track is to focus on making the present moment enjoyable. There is no sense in dwelling on the past or panicking about the future. You are in control of the present moment, so make sure you’re making it enjoyable!
Show the woman that you love how happy she makes you, and show her how happy you two can be in this relationship. This goes hand in hand with becoming friends with her again and thinking of things that you can share together to strengthen your bond.
Just make sure that you’re being active and avoiding empty promises. If you jump right into making empty promises, or declaring that things will be different now before you’ve actually done the work, it can actually make matters considerably worse. Your wife won’t believe you until she sees proof. By the way, it’s not just a matter of time! It’s a matter of her recognizing new, longterm patterns in you.
Be careful to not get sucked into a downward spiral of making empty promises that result in even more resentment in your wife.
14. One last thing: Your personal life
As this article comes to a close I wanted to bring your attention to one more very important element that often gets put on the back burner in times of crisis. You must make sure that you continue to pursue your dreams, be social and independent. If you’re constantly at your wife’s beck and call, not only could she get sick of you and feel suffocated, it could make her take you for granted and therefore draw out this period during which you feel like she hates you.
As I know you are painfully aware right now, the best way to remember how much you love something is to realize that someday it might be gone forever.
Restoring your relationship when your wife hates you
Whether you’re thinking, “My wife is depressed and hates me,” “My wife hates me touching her,” “I cheated and my wife hates me,” or simply, “My wife hates me so much and I don’t even know why,” I encourage you to take some time to really mull over everything you just read.
Start to pinpoint the actions that will improve the situation. Focus on the answer to “Why does my wife act like she hates me?” Once you understand this we can determine the ideal plan of action.
Remember that a situation like this, if handled correctly, can bring about wonderful opportunities! Make sure that you have a positive frame of mind and that you take your time with this. Avoid criticism and be careful with your tone of voice when you’re speaking with your wife, even if you’re frustrated!
Engage with her and become friends again. Reinforce your bond and in the process, listen to her and understand where she’s coming from.
Avoid placing pressure on yourself, but focus on making the present moment enjoyable so that you can start to repair the complicity that once existed between you. This is how you will allow True Love to solidify on a solid foundation.
I’ll hammer it one last time for good measure: Actions speak louder than words!
Let’s work together and win your wife’s love for you back!
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Together we can work on designing a custom action plan that will get you real results and the woman you love will be back in your arms for good. Please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me by clicking here, or by leaving your question in the comments section below. It would be my pleasure to personally respond to you.
Wishing you the best of luck in life and love,
Your coach when you’re thinking, “My wife hates me”