The topic of rebuilding trust in a relationship is one of the most important things we can talk about. Trust is the foundation of a healthy, long lasting relationship and without it, your bond is going to crumble. I work with many people every single day who come to me for help with repairing trust in their relationship. Many of them were faced with infidelity, lies, betrayal, and many other different types of disappointments.
Reestablishing trust between you and the person you love is not something to be neglected. In fact, the longer amount of time you spend not trusting your significant other, the harder it is going to be to rebuild that trust.
That is why wanted to write this article on how to rebuild trust in love and relationships so that you can restore the bond between you and the person that you have chosen to be with. Once trust is restored, your relationship can actually become stronger than ever, so let’s take a look at what to do!
Trust is so valuable in a relationship because it needs to be built. If you have read my other articles on this topic, then you have probably heard me use an expression that always comes to mind:
“Trust arrives on foot but leaves on horseback.”
In other words, building trust can take a very long time, but breaking trust can happen in instant. Once trust is broken, it will take time to build it back up. In some cases, it will actually take longer to build back up than it took to build it in the first place.
But here’s what I want you to keep in mind: it IS possible to rebuild trust after it has been broken. It is just going to depend on what you are willing to do.
I can tell you right now that rebuilding trust in the relationship after lying or cheating is not going to happen overnight, and it most certainly is not going to happen if you stay seated on the couch with your arms crossed.
Rebuilding trust in a relationship requires patience, forgiveness, and actions. Fortunately, you have found this article on how to heal after trust was broken, and by the time you get to the end you will have a much better understanding of how to proceed.
When trust is lost, I know that it can feel very discouraging and overwhelming, especially when it feels like you can’t stop thinking about what happened between you and your significant other.
When it comes to healing trust in a relationship, don’t ever underestimate the importance of mindset. Like I said, if you’re going to sit back and wait around for things to change, they won’t. Similarly, if you tell yourself that rebuilding trust in the relationship is impossible and that all hope is lost, then things will not improve either.
Even the best books on rebuilding trust in the relationship will tell you that the way you approach the situation will have a sizable effect on the outcome.
I recently worked with a man named Michael. He is a very successful tech startup entrepreneur in his mid 30s. The first thing he said to me when he called was, “My wife absolutely hates my guts and if you can make her love me again, you’re a genius!”
His wife thought that he was cheating on her with a colleague, because he had broken her trust in the past by doing the same thing.
He had not been unfaithful to her for a very long time, but the fact that they never successfully rebuilt the trust in their relationship was giving rise to serious problems. His wife had become extremely vulnerable and insecure because of how he had hurt her in the past, and she was now threatening to file for divorce.
Michael didn’t know what to do to rebuild trust in their relationship or how to make her love him again. The emotional baggage that his wife was carrying as a result of his past negative behavior had completely eroded all of the trust and goodwill they had built over the years in their marriage.
He had quite a bit of issues that stemmed from his childhood and needed to work on some destructive patterns, but he was extremely resilient and was committed to doing whatever it took to keep his family in tact and restore his wife’s trust in him so that their love could flourish once again.
We worked together for a few months, he took responsibility for his past negative behaviors, and they’ve been able to build a solid common life project.
I am happy to say that today, Michael, Lisa, and their three children are happier than ever before.
So no matter how bad things might seem right now, I want you to rest assured that it is entirely possible to rebuild trust in your relationship and work through this challenging period. It’s all about being motivated to save this relationship and reinforce your bond with your significant other!
Surviving infidelity in your relationship: The road to success
When you want to know how to repair trust in a relationship with someone you love, there are a few important elements to take into consideration. I’ve gone over a few of them already, like making sure that you are willing to be patient and make an effort to create change, but let’s take a look at some more ways to rebuild the trust.
If trust needs to be rebuilt in the relationship, it means that something happened that broke it. Perhaps it is one specific shock that the relationship endured like infidelity, or perhaps it’s an accumulation of behaviors that eroded away at one person’s trust of the other.
This means that one or both of you will need to take responsibility for the actions or behavior that lead to the damaged trust between you. Sometimes the issue that took place is not blatantly obvious and will require a fair amount of reflection before you can pinpoint what exactly went wrong.
This is why communication is so important between a boyfriend and girlfriend, husband or wife. If there is something that warrants an apology, the person responsible needs to be able to offer a sincere apology. Keep in mind that actions always speak louder than words, so when you want to restore trust with someone, you will need to apologize for any mistakes, but the most important thing will be that you start making concrete changes that will prove to your significant other that the issues will not come back in the future. It is very important for the person who got hurt to feel that the person responsible for damaging the trust is making an effort to change things.
I will reiterate this point because it is so important. Time is necessary when it comes to rebuilding trust in a relationship.
If you did something that made your partner distrust you, give them time. Once you’ve apologized, focus on concrete actions that show him or her that you’re serious about change. Don’t beg and plead for forgiveness, and make sure that you don’t inadvertently suffocate them. Don’t make it about you – remember that they need time to heal and trust the relationship again.
If your partner broke your trust, commit to forgiving them every single day. It is a choice to forgive and if you’re going to save the relationship, you really have to commit to this decision.
Don’t give repairing trust a timeline. There is no sense in thinking, “Ok, if my partner hasn’t forgiven me in three weeks then this is all over,” or, “If I can’t get over this in a month then we aren’t meant to be.”
Love and trust take time, so be patient with the process.
One of the biggest tips on rebuilding trust in a relationship I can give you is on the importance of prioritizing communication. Like I said above, it’s crucial that you zero on in on the root of the problem.
This can be applied to successfully rebuilding trust after lying, after cheating, or any other type of issue that you may have experienced.
Don’t be unwilling to talk about how to fix the situation, even if you’re tired of discussing it. If your partner has questions about the moment the trust broke, you have to be willing to be transparent.
The openness will soothe your partner and help them to start trusting you again because they see that you are not withholding information.
I wanted to highlight this simple yet powerful concept because many people don’t realize that they aren’t hearing their partner out.
When a person is being told that something they did hurt someone, it is natural for them to want to try to explain themselves and make sure that they are clear about why they did what they did. They often forget to let the person who got hurt feel heard, so that they can work together to find longterm solutions to the problem.
When it comes to how to repair someone’s trust in you, it’s very helpful to check in with yourself and ask yourself if you’re allowing your partner to be heard. Oftentimes, the criticism you receive in a vulnerable situation will serve as a powerful tool that helps you pinpoint what changes can be made to ensure a much happier future!
As this article on rebuilding trust in a relationship comes to a close, I’d like to give you a quick recap of what you can start doing right now.
When trust is broken, you need to give yourselves time to heal the wounds that this situation has created, and you’ve got to work as a team to find concrete, longterm solutions that you can begin implementing in your day to day life.
Responsibility for the issues at hand need to be taken, and whoever is responsible will have to apologize. Seek insights into what you partner needs from you and what you need from your partner, showcase your change and make a new promise to each other through action.
If your partner is the one who broke or damaged the trust in this relationship, commit to forgiving them every single day.
Be transparent with one another and communicate in a way that helps you to understand and define solutions. Don’t give repairing trust a timeline because repairing trust takes time.
I know that each situation is entirely unique, so if you have specific questions about what you’re experiencing, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Join the Happily Committed Project and let us help you transform your relationship in a meaningful way so that you can grant yourselves access to long-term happiness in love!
Wishing you all the very best in life and love,
Your coach when you want to know how to fix trust in a relationship
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10 Responses
How do you repair or rebuild a foundation after you were not honest & upfront with your long term partner on your finances? They’ve stayed in the Relationship but we’re both trying to figure out how to move forward In the relationship
Hi Mary Ann, the key is consistency. Repairing trust will take time, but if your partner can see that over time, you have consistently been honest about ALL things, they will learn to trust you.
My partner wants to end our relationship because I withheld details of a night out with my friends. I betrayed him by flirting with another man and he is hurt because to him I cheated. I don’t know how to prove to him that nothing more happened that night. He is convinced something else happened because it took me 5 weeks since that night to tell him the details that he was looking for.
Hi Angelica,
If this conversation just happened, suggest a period of some distance (a week or two) so that his emotions can calm down. Then you can start to talk about finding solutions to strengthen the foundation of your relationship. The first part of the solution will be improving communication between you, and the second part will have to do with actions. It will take time for him to learn to trust again, but if he sees consistent actions from you that show him that you aren’t doing things that would break his trust (i.e. not flirting with anyone), his reflect to not trust you will start to change. It will take some time, but the key is consistency.
I broke my partners trust, we drank the same amount however I got drunk. I made FaceTime phone calls to my family talking about how happy I was with him, and also called an ex who we didn’t end on bad terms who has only been a platonic friend for years. I told this ex how happy I was with my new relationship.In addition My BF states I somehow became violent breaking a wine glass and being angry! I don’t recall much of the night, Ive talked to my family who say I was joyful and a happy drunk when I called them. I’m concerned that I behaved violent or malicious , I’ve never acted such a way drunk or In my right mind. My BF is hurt that I called an ex, no matter my intent. He says I’ve lied and doesn’t trust me now . I did tell him about this person when we first began, I also don’t talk to this person consistently nor see him, he made a connection with my family in the past and just remain a family friend, my bf doesn’t want to hear anything about that . I understand why my BF has an issue and I don’t agree with having ex’s as friends when in a relationship. I am willing to rebuild trust! he is suggesting that we limit to seeing each other weekdays before 9pm, date night on Friday, only planned over nights on Friday into Saturday, no sex, he won’t completely commit to be exclusive but says he doesn’t want sex with anyone and won’t date anyone else. I’m fearful that I’ve broken his trust and because of my love languages of time and touch I will struggle with doing my part in repairing what I broke and I will begin to pull back mentally because of being rejected and pushed out. How do I rebuild what I broke under these circumstances?
My partner has lied to me multiple times about serious subjects, continually tells “white lies” hides things and information about situations and has stolen from me. Obviously I no longer trust him. He swears up and down he is sorry and loves me but I no longer believe him because he continually does things that broke my trust in the first place. I have become irate and difficult to deal with, constantly accusing him of cheating and more. I hardly want any interaction with him or intimacy because of what he has done, and its reached a point where I dont know if I love him anymore. Is it possible for us to fix things and trust him again? Or is our relationship a lost cause and I should walk away?
Thanks Diane for the post. Trust is a tricky thing, it is very easy to break but hard to rebuild, but it is not impossible. The trust will take time and commitment from both parties. Both parties will need to recognize the issues and their conscious effort to try and do better for each other. Each of you need to begin to do 1:1 exercises to start restoring trust. You need to find out the core of his problem in lying. But ultimately first need to self reflect are you also ready to go on this journey? It will take time and energy from both ends and its a personal commitment to continue to make things work and help each other do better. The possibility is there but it can be an obstacle.
Thanks
Happily Committed
My partner and I are working on regaining our trust after I broke it, twice. There was a situation where emotional cheating happened on my end, we were able to make the decision to stay together and work on rebuilding our relationship because we have a long history and believe it is worth fighting for. Very stupidly, after I had gained a little bit of that trust back I was in contact with the person I cheated with and lied about it. There was no more cheating in the conversation, just a “hey i hope you’re well” conversation that needed very quickly, bc of how my partner feels about him. Regardless of the nature I lied to my partner about it because I thought I was protecting their feelings, since nothing serious had happened. My partner was able to forgive me yet again for my mistake, however I feel like we are still in the same situation where there is no trust but we are both still in the relationship. I have asked my partner what she needs and her answer is since I broke it I should figure out how to fix it on my own. I have done everything except counseling, apologizing sincerely, I have not been in contact with this person, or lied since this happened and have been committed to my partner. The cheating/lying still comes up in every situation or argument we have. Is there hope in regaining the trust back?
Hi Aramis, Thank you for sharing your story. Regaining trust is a two-way road, and your partner will have to be a part of the process even if you were the one that broke the trust. You have to communicate about what they need so that you can incorporate solutions as a team. It is impossible for one person to repair the entire situation if they do not have information from their partner about their needs. In addition to this, trust is reestablished through consistency. The more time that passes without you breaking your partner’s trust, the easier it will be for them to trust you again.
Wishing you lots of luck!
Best,
Team Happily Committed
Hi how do you get trust back in a long time relationship . I had check my bf phone while he was sleep. And told him about it the next day. Now he said I been sneaky and doesn’t trust me at all that the trust is gone in our relationship . Just because I did it while he was sleeping . He said he didn’t like that because he had nothing to hide . But i did it cause in the past he was doing stuff and mess up . I just want our relationship to work. Any help