I’m not going to sugarcoat it, surviving infidelity is no walk in the park. Trust has been shattered, your faith in your relationship has been shaken, and you need to figure out how to get past this.
The thing you have got to keep in mind is that surviving infidelity is a choice, and you can create a better future for you and your partner if that is what you truly desire. You just need to determine what you really want, and what you’re willing to do to reach your goal.
This is one of the themes I work on every single day with my clients, so I wanted to dedicate an article to this topic. It’s important to explore your options and zero in on what you truly want.
If you want to save this relationship, there is a way. If you want to turn the page and move one, there is a way to do that as well. Either way, I want you to rest assured that you can find happiness in your life, even after infidelity!
I’m going to go over some infidelity statistics and how to spot infidelity, as well as tools for helping you to survive infidelity in your relationship. I know that this is an extremely confusing and painful situation, but we are here to help you every step of the way.
Exploring the infidelity definition
This article is going to be geared towards those of you who are hoping to restore your relationship after infidelity, but it is important that we explore the meaning of infidelity for each person. Interestingly enough, every person has their own definition of infidelity.
For some people, when you ask them, “What is infidelity, they might say that it is simply the act of being physically intimate with a person who is not your significant other.
But other people wouldn’t be so quick to discount emotional infidelity. Some of the people that I have worked with define infidelity as something more than just intercourse with another person.
For example, Jacob, a man that I recently worked with talked to me about how his wife thought that it was alright to have a “harmless” crush on her coworker, when Jacob certainly didn’t see it the same way.
Martina told me that her husband thought that having sexually charged conversations with women in online chatrooms didn’t count as cheating, but she did not agree.
It’s crucial that you two are on same same page in terms of how you would define cheating! Without communication, it is all too easy to wind up doing something that hurts someone, simply because you didn’t realize the effect it was going to have.
It’s also interesting to note that in the majority of cases where men have cheated, it has been physical, whereas in the majority of cases where women have cheated, it has been emotional cheating. The definition of physical cheating is pretty clearcut, but emotional cheating is what gets trickier.
A man or a woman who cheats emotionally usually does so because his or her relationship is experiencing a serious lack of emotional closeness. So if they are not getting emotional support from their boyfriend or girlfriend, they might seek out another person who can give them a sense of complicity…
But I am going to go into more detail about why he or she cheated.
There are all kinds of different forms of infidelity, and for many people, it is not limited to kissing or having sex with someone who is not their significant other. If you truly want to survive infidelity, you’re going to have to make sure that you and your significant other have a proper understanding of what type of behavior you each find to be inappropriate in a relationship.
Affair recovery: Understanding what happened
Order to successfully survive infidelity, you’re going to have to pinpoint where the problem stemmed from. There is always a reason behind infidelity.
In the majority of cases, a person is unfaithful to their partner because they are searching for something that they are not receiving in the relationship. I know that that is really hard to read and you don’t really need another blow to the ego, but it’s important to understand is that if there is a lack, something can be changed.
Sometimes two people just become so settled into the routine of the relationship that they allow the passion to fizzle out, and you might realize that you stopped making an effort to make your partner feel valued, loved and desired. The result in these types of situation is that a person might start to feel under-appreciated, and might look for validation outside of the relationship.
It goes without saying that there is no good excuse for his or her infidelity, but zeroing in on the root of the problem your relationship has been facing is going to help you to define the exact solution that you need.
There are also cases in which people are serial cheaters, and if you know that your partner has been a notorious cheater, I encourage you to weigh out whether or not this relationship is going to serve you in the long run. People make mistakes and are sometimes unfaithful because they need something that they are not receiving in their relationship, and this can be rectified.
But if someone cheats for the fun of it, that is an entirely different matter.
Now, some of you reading this right now might be unsure of whether or not your significant other is being unfaithful to you, so let’s take a quick look at some of the the signs your partner is being unfaithful.
Spotting the signs of infidelity in marriage and relationships
I know that this is something that can easily keep a person up at night. If you’re unsure if the person you love is cheating on you, it becomes very easy to be suspicious of everything they do. I wanted to provide you with some signs to keep an eye out for before we dive into how exactly to handle infidelity in your relationship.
The many signs of infidelity in a relationship
After all these years of working with individuals who found themselves in situations where they needed to heal from infidelity, I’ve been able to pinpoint some of the telltale signs of cheating.
• He or she stops confiding in you or turning to you
• You realize that your significant lies often and about trivial things
• He or she all of sudden doesn’t want to have sex, or they suddenly want a lot of it
• They become secretive about their phone / computers and delete messages, call logs and emails
• They change the passcode on their lock screen
• They start to accuse you of cheating or acting suspicious (and this is because they are feeling self conscious)
• They buy new lingerie/underwear and start to care more about how they look
• You notice a change in their spending habits
• They’re acting shady and secretive about who they’re with and what they’re doing
• Your partner disappears and shuts their phone off for long period of time
• You have the strong suspicion that something is wrong, something isn’t sitting right in your gut
• Their friends or coworkers start acting different around you
• Your intuition tells you they’re having an affair (whether it’s an emotional affair or a physical one)
So if you’re suspecting that your significant other is guilty of infidelity and betrrayal and you want to save a marriage or a relationship, you’re going to have to deal with the situation. This is definitely not the type of thing that should be swept under the rug.
Infidelity statistics should not be ignored
It’s very unfortunate, but the infidelity statistics are very high in today’s day an age. According to recent statistics, I’ve come across some very interesting infidelity facts:
⁃ Percentage of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity or extramarital affairs, either physical or emotional: 41%
⁃ Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 57%
⁃ Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 54%
⁃ Average length of an affair: 2 years
⁃ Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%
⁃ Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68%
Like I was saying above, infidelity can mean different things to different people and cultures at the end of the day, it’s basically about broken trust and acting inappropriately behind your partner’s back. So how exactly should you go about confronting a partner who you suspect of being unfaithful during or after an affair?
How to confront your partner in the best way to survive infidelity
First of all, don’t confront an unfaithful spouse or partner right away when you are feeling emotional. Give yourself the opportunity to feel more calm and collect your thoughts. The goal is to try and stay calm and avoid saying things that you could end up regretting later on down the line, especially if you still want to rebuild the trust in your marriage or relationship.
Choose a private and calm place to confront your partner about this, and if it’s possible, make sure that you have undeniable proof of what they did that hurt you. If you stumbled across messages between your partner and another woman or man, or if you concretely saw something happen, you can put that on the table.
When you talk about this with your significant other, focus on gathering important information. It’s important to zero in on why they were unfaithful instead of asking for juicy details about their infidelities that will just drive you crazy. I know it’s tempting to want to know the details about the affair, but they will not serve you.
If your partner tries to gaslight you or tries to deny what you know to be true, then you can bring in a trusted third-party like a family member or a friend.
Once you discuss what happened and if you choose to rebuild your relationship after infidelity, you can begin the process of surviving infidelity. So let’s take a look at what to do.
How to get over an affair and repair your relationship
The very first thing I want you to bear in mind is that forgiveness of adultery is a choice. It’s very easy to hold a grudge against someone who was unfaithful to you and let it undermine your relationship, but if you want to survive infidelity and create a new relationship together, you have to make the conscious decision to forgive your partner every single day.
You have to choose to forgive, and you have to choose to survive this. It is in your power to build a healthier future with this person, but you have to choose these things every day until you no longer have to actively choose and you can just start to make this your natural way of thinking. We can make a habit out of anything if we stick with it long enough, and the situation is no exception. Surviving infidelity is no walk in the park, but if you choose to move past this, you can do it.
So I encourage you to ask yourself what you’re fighting for, and if the good outweighs the bad in this relationship. Remind yourself of the journey from start to finish. Think about what you to have built together, what you have accomplished together, your common life projects… all of these things will help you fight for the relationship and survive cheating.
Now, as I’ve been saying, in order to recover from cheating in your relationship, your mindset is going to play a huge role. Now is the time to start working on reshaping your thinking. It isn’t about what you have, who you are, where are you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy; it’s about what kind of mindset you approach it with. So you have to adopt a positive mindset and decide that you are going to work through this and get to the other side.
It’s very hard for someone to work through difficult issues when they’re being blinded by strong emotions, and painful or difficult emotions will get stronger and more intimidating when they are fought or suppressed. So I encourage you to learn to accept and overcome your fears. If you become fearful of being hurt and run away from the relationship you want to be in, you will be hindering your odds of success in recovering from infidelity with your partner.
So if you really want to know how to forgive a cheater and repair your relationship, it’s time to rebuild your love. A disconnect has formed between you and your significant other, so it’s time to learn your partner’s world all over again. Start spending time together doing fun things that allow you to make new, positive memories. Work on rebuilding the respect and appreciation by making each other feel special and loved.
You two are a team and must work together to find the solutions to the problems your relationship was facing. Make sure that you have a good platform for communication and that you work together to ensure that both people in the relationship feel fulfilled and inspired.
If you would like one-on-one guidance on how to survive infidelity and turn your relationship into a new and improved version of itself, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me or a member of my team. By asking you targeted questions, we can zero in on the root of the problem and find appropriate solutions so that you and your significant other can start incorporating in your daily lives.
As this article comes to an end I want you to remember that as challenging as this might be right now, it can actually prove to be a blessing in disguise. You might raise your eyebrows as you read that, but a crisis in a relationship often serves as a catalyst for very positive and important change. As a result, the relationship is recalibrated, and set on the path towards success.
Join The Happily Committed Project and transform your relationship before it’s too late or let us help you heal and move forward with your life in a dignified and meaningful way.
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you want to know how to get over infidelity in your relationship