You know, we live in a society where Hollywood and Disney movies teach us that two people magically just fall in love and then it’s all just sunshine and rainbows for the rest of their lives. There are now ups and downs, there are no challenges, and the spark between them never dies out. In reality, however, that’s not quite as it works. Yes, there is most certainly a honeymoon period where everything tastes sweeter, but as time goes on, it is very natural for things to start to feel more monotonous, lackluster, and predictable.
Sadly, this is often what leads to two people drifting apart. People need to feel special and valued by their partners, and I often see that people begin to inadvertently neglect their partners. They don’t realize they’re doing it, but they neglect the romance, they neglect going out of their way to communicate their feelings to their partner, and they wind up assuming that the attraction phase is finished. They think that their work is finished because they’re in an established relationship…
As time goes on, that connection between the two partners begins to diminish, and in many cases, they wind up realizing that they barely know each other anymore. So my point is this. Attraction is one of the glues that keeps a relationship together, and without it, the foundation of the relationship will begin to crumble. Either you could end up like two roommates, or you could wind up growing to resent each other because you feel undervalued or neglected. I am not telling you these things to scare you, but I want you to have a broad idea of why attraction is so important in a relationship.
To start things off, we take to take a look at the basic facts about attraction. First things first, you can only be as happy in a relationship as you are as an individual. This concept can also be applied to attraction. The more attracted to who you are as a person, the more your partner will be attracted to who you are as a person! In other words, if you can cultivate a sense of wellbeing and confidence in yourself, your partner will be able to pick up on this and gravitate towards you in a new way.
Take my client Irene, for example. She called me asking how to be happy in her relationship and bring the attraction back between here and her long-term boyfriend. She told me that she was investing everything she had into her relationship, even time she didn’t have to spend, and wondered why it wasn’t yielding the results she was looking for. She said it felt like he saw right through her and she didn’t sense any of the attraction that used to be so strong between them. We realized, though, that she was so busy focusing on her relationship that she was completely neglecting herself.
This is such a common phenomenon. I know that it’s easy to focus on your relationship with the one you love, but if you lose sight of your personal life and who you are, your partner will also lose sight of the person they fell in love with.
Irene dedicated no time to self-care, exercise, her professional goals. spending time with her friends… So, I gave her a plan of action that she thought was super counterintuitive at the time. I told her to back off of her relationship a bit, and instead, to spend time reconnecting with herself. Then, I told her to ask herself if she felt happier in her relationship after one month.
The month comes and goes, and she sends me an email, thanking me for encouraging her to make the counterintuitive decision of focusing on herself, because she’s never been happier in her relationship and now, she’s showing her boyfriend all the new things she’s been doing, and he says he’s never been more attracted to her.
The moral of this particular success story is that, as I said, one of the most important facts about attractiveness is that you can only be as happy in a relationship as you are as an individual. Embrace this process and you can see the same results! It is the key to success when you want to bring the attraction back into your relationship or marriage.