When you start dating someone, you might sense a shift with how codependency begins to sneak into the relationship. In the beginning, you have your own things going on, you feel confident and fulfilled by the relationship but little by little, you start to feel like your happiness depends on your partner’s presence. You start to feel that you cannot be happy without them, and suddenly there are stakes.
The more you feel that there are stakes, the more you start to fall into codependency. This is an extremely common issue, so I wanted to write an article for you today that outlines how to stop being codependent.
It’s one of the main causes behind breakups, so it’s very important to learn how to protect yourself and your relationship from it.
We will be taking a look at what codependency looks like, where it comes from, and what you can do about it. It might feel like you’re stuck in this spiral right now, but I want you to rest assured that you can change the situation.
The fact that you’ve gone out of your way to find this article on how to stop being codependent means that you’re ready to take the reigns and find solutions. You’re already on the right path, so let’s jump in.
The definition of codependency is someone who experiences “Excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.”
And in a broader sense, codependency is the inability to be happy without your partner. You might even feel like you are unable to function or curate a fulfilling life without them.
The more you depend on your significant other from an emotional standpoint, the more codependent you are. Interestingly enough, this phenomenon often shows up later on down the line in a relationship.
As I started to say in the introduction, you might feel perfectly happy in your own life at the beginning of the relationship, only to find that little by little, feelings of codependency start to surge up.
The problem of course is that it’s making you unhappy, needy and dissatisfied, but at the same time, it also has an effect on the dynamic between you and your partner.
You stop being yourself, you need more attention and more reassurance, and you can start to exhibit behavior that is actually quite suffocating. Inadvertently, you end up pushing your partner away.
For a lot of people, they don’t realize that they’re acting like this and they don’t try to find solutions to help them figure out how to stop being codependent.
This makes it exceedingly hard for them to figure out why the dynamic has changed so much between them and the person they love, it makes them panic even more because their partner keeps pulling away, and it makes them act out in ways that make them appear needy and clingy – which of course makes their partner want to pull even further away. It can become a downward spiral.
So if you’re worried that you’ve become codependent, I encourage you to keep an eye out for these elements:
⁃ Do you feel like you need your partner’s help and presence for most aspects of your life?
⁃ Do you rely on him or her for completely basic or daily tasks?
⁃ Do you feel a looming sense of panic whenever you two are not together, even if you have no concrete reason to feel this way?
⁃ Do you find yourself waiting around for them to live your life all the time?
⁃ Do you feel anxious when your partner is doing something that doesn’t involve you?
Protecting your relationship against these types of elements is crucial because it will ensure that your partner will feel like they can breathe and still be fulfilled by the relationship, they will not lose interest in you, and they will not wind up feeling like they absolutely need to get some space from you.
A lot of people feel that once they fall into the well of codependency, that they will no longer be able to get back out. The truth is that it IS entirely possible – you just need to be willing to put in the work. It’s not the kind of thing that gets fixed from one day to the next, but with time and effort, you will be able to develop new patterns and reflexes in the relationship.
Take my client Laurie for example. She was in an extremely codependent relationship with her boyfriend Jonathan. Well, the codependency was actually quite one sided. She depended him for literally everything. She would wait around at home for him, doing nothing, feeling anxious that he wasn’t around. She wouldn’t go out of the house and explore the city unless he was doing it with her. She needed him to check in every hour… Long story short, Laurie didn’t have anything going on in her own life and everything revolved around her relationship with Jonathan.
All of her happiness depended on it, so as you can imagine, it created a pretty big shift in their dynamic. This is a pretty extreme case of codependency and fortunately she recognized the problem and came to us for some help.
As we began working together, we were able to zero in on the root of the problem – which in her case stemmed from upbringing and some past heartbreak in previous relationships, but we also started to define concrete solutions. We’ve been working on how to stop being co dependent in her relationship for about three months now, and I am happy to say that she’s made some pretty incredible improvements. With her, I’ve been working on the same tools that I’m going to go over with you in the next section. So as you can see, no matter how bad things might feel in the current moment, you are in control of more than you might realize. You CAN stop being codependent if you’re willing to get organized and put in the work!
Laurie’s relationship with her boyfriend is more solid than ever before, and she told me that she’s so happy she made the choice to reach out for some help. A third party can help put things into perspective and offer solutions that can have a long term effect. If you are also interested in working with me or a member of my team, all you have to do is click here.
Signs of codependency: How to spot the biggest ones & how to guard against them!
Whether you are a codependent partner, a codependent parent, or someone who is generally insecure, there is one specific thing that is going to make a huge difference.
A very common pattern that I’ve noticed in people that come to me asking about how to overcome codependency is that they actually aren’t as busy in their lives as they could be. There are so many things that people can be doing to improve their quality of life and boost their sense of inner happiness, so the very first piece of advice I have for you is this:
If you are struggling with being codependent on your partner, it means that you are struggling from a lack of confidence, and confidence comes from a sense of accomplishment. Simply put, the more things you do, the better you feel! If you’re feeling like you could use a boost of self confidence, I encourage you to download our brand new product on battling insecurity. To access it, all you have to do is click here.
The better you feel about yourself, the better you feel about your life, and the better you feel about your relationship! So if you really want to become more secure in your relationship, you’re going to have to start by becoming more secure with yourself. The best way to do this is to chalenge yourself to do things on a regular basis that make you proud to be who you are!
If you’re sensing codependency symptoms in yourself, think about what kind of things you’ve been wanting to accomplish – both big and small. It can be anything from changing your hair to going back to school! Set goals for yourself that you are confident that you can achieve, and you’ll be setting yourself up for success.
These should be small, medium, and large scale goals, and your confidence and self esteem will grow as you start to realize that you’ve gotten in control of your life and your happiness!
Fill up your schedule with activities (and friends) that bring you joy and not only will you start to feel that you’re overcoming codependency, you’re going to feel a positive shift in your relationship. You’ll feel more satisfied with your life, you’ll be busier (and you’ll have less time for anxious thoughts), and your partner’s interest in you is going to be sparked. You will have so many things to share, you’ll be giving your partner the opportunity to miss you, and you’re going to be feeling much less insecure. The less insecure you feel, the easier it is to beat codependency.
In addition to this, there are a couple other things that will help with codependency traits…
Everything you need to know about how to be happy in a relationship!
I’ve come to see that codependency also has a lot to do with your environment, so there are various elements of your life that you can change that will help you fight codependency. For example, cut out negative people from your life. We often underestimate the effect that other people can have on us and don’t realize it until we stop spending time with them.
So my advice to you is that if there are people in your social circle that regularly do things that make you feel insecure and inferior, make a conscious effort to spend time with other people instead. Don’t surround yourself with anything or anyone that undermines your personal sense of wellbeing. This little action can do wonders for how you feel in your relationship with your significant other.
As human beings we have a terrible tendency of fixating on negative things. Have you ever noticed how negative memories seem to stand out say more clearly in our minds than positive ones?
Well, unfortunately this can be applied to relationships as well so it’s important to make a conscious effort to focus on the positives. The more you do this, the more of a habit it will become.
So the next time you start to feel codependent and anxious, choose a memory about your relationship that brings you joy. Counter every negative thought with a positive one and you can start to train your brain to stop spiraling negatively.
Focus on the things that you can control, cultivate gratitude, and take it day by day.
I really want you to rest assured that you can fix your codependency if you create new patterns for yourself. The key lies in providing yourself with a sense of accomplishment that you work on every single day. The prouder you are of yourself and of your life, the easier it becomes to steer clear of codependency!
Like I said above, we are here to help you so please don’t hesitate to reach out. If you’re really struggling with figuring out how to stop being codependent in your life, all you have to do is reach out to us. By asking you targeted questions, we can identify the root of the problem and provide you with concrete solutions that you can begin to implement in your daily life starting today.
Join the Happily Committed Project and learn how to transform your relationship with your partner and with yourself in a meaningful and dignified way. By learning how to stop codependency, you are going to set yourself up for long-term success with your significant other.
I sincerely wish you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you want to know how to fix a relationship when you’re struggling with codependency
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