If you are currently in a situation where you have a boyfriend or a husband, but you have fallen in love with someone else, I know that it can feel like the ground is crumbling beneath your feet. What is the solution? How do you make sure you don’t wind up with crushing regrets later on down the line?
As a life and relationship coach, I am presented with this question almost every single day. It is incredibly common! So, I know that it feels like a terrible dilemma, but I wanted to write this article for you today to share some solutions. Our goal here at Happily Committed is to provide you with the tips and tools you need to be able to coach yourself through whatever challenge you might be facing in your love life. That is why we have written so many articles in our blog, and that is why we have created so many videos across our Youtube Channels. We have also created books, seminars and programs, all so that we can give you all the help you may need.
In today’s article, I want to go over why this is such a common phenomenon, but most importantly, what you can do about it.
I’m in love with another man and I don’t know what to do now
First and foremost, we are going to need to zero in on why exactly you have fallen for someone who isn’t your significant other. If you’ve read any of our content on infidelity, then you know that we tend to mention that cheating is usually a symptom of a deeper problem. When cheating occurs, whether it’s physical or emotional, it means that there is something lacking in your relationship. Of course, there are some cases in which a person cheats because they’re a serial cheater, but if you’re reading this article right now, I think it’s safe to say that you’ve found yourself in an unusual situation and you aren’t quite sure how to proceed.
So, the very first thing you’re going to have to do is to take some time to really analyze what happened.
– How has the dynamic in your relationship with your husband or your boyfriend evolved over time?
– When did it start to feel like something was lacking?
– Where did you meet this new person?
– How long did it take for your feelings for them to develop?
– Did you seek this other person out or did it happen as a surprise?
– Did you try to resist?
The goal here is to figure out how you were feeling in your life and in your relationship before this other person became a part of it? An important thing to know is that in the majority of cases, when a person engages in an affair and falls for someone else, it isn’t because they were sexually attracted to this other person. It’s because they didn’t feel appreciated by their partner. It’s because they feel neglected, unloved and unseen by their partner… So either they actively search for some kind of validation or tenderness outside of the relationship, or they open up to it when it presents itself by surprise. And then, when this new person gives them value and purpose, the emotion can become overpowering.
These new feelings, the electricity, the connection, the excitement and the way a person begins to feel around this new love interest will become intoxicating. This is why I have a very important question for anyone that comes to me saying, “I’m in love with another man,” and I want to ask you the same thing.
Are you in love with this new person, or are you in love with the way they make you feel? By determining the reason behind why you were able to open your heart up to someone new, you can start to get a clearer idea of what the best decision would be to make. Would it be best to end this new relationship and repair your marriage? Would it be best to leave your partner and pursue this new person? Do you want to come clean to your significant other or do you want them to find out in a different way?
Getting clear with yourself about how you want this to unfold is going to help you find the solutions you need. They are very difficult questions to ask yourself, I totally get that, but if you don’t ask yourself these questions, you won’t be able to figure out how to move forward. You don’t want to stay stuck in this limbo! It’s not fair to you, it’s not fair to your partner, and it’s not fair to the third person. This is going to be so much easier to figure out if you understand how you got here. Even if you’re thinking, “I can’t believe I’m falling for another man while married,” or, “How could this be happening,” I don’t want you to be too hard on yourself. These things happen and there are so many solutions available to you. It all just depends on how honest you’re willing to be with yourself right now.
In love with another man? How did you feel about your spouse when you started dating?
If, in your heart of hearts, you know that you love this new person for who they are and not just for how they make you feel, I have another big question for you to ask yourself. How did you feel about your significant other or husband when you first met him? How did it feel when it was all new, and there was so much to discover about him? Was that feeling similar to what you are experiencing right now?
The new person is new and fresh in your life, and there is still a sense of mystery and excitement there. It is normal that this would be attractive. Human beings are attracted to things that are new and exciting after all. Our culture has a lot to do with this actually. We are groomed to always want the next, new, best thing and very little value is given to preserving and maintaining things that we already have. If you pay attention, you’ll see that this is a huge part of our society – advertising always tries to get us to buy the latest phone, fashion trends are constantly changing, we always need to be “up to date.” And sadly, I see this trickle into our interpersonal relationships as well.
Just a word of caution because I see it happen so often in my coaching sessions. The new person definitely feels fresh and exciting right now, but one day they will stop being “the new person.” You will discover that they, too, have flaws and that things can feel a bit predictable with them as well. They will become a regular person that also has vices and challenges. So it is important to ask yourself if you’re willing to throw away the relationship that you have built with the person you once knew was The One for you, for a relationship that could maybe, hypothetically be better or different? For a person that will hypothetically never turn into someone that is no longer exciting, someone that gets on your nerves, someone that doesn’t make you feel bored?
Again, these are tough questions but the more honest you can be with yourself right now, the easier it will be to determine which choice you want to make.
I am a married woman in love with another man: Getting to the bottom of it
As we dive deeper into this, we need to take a look at the specific reasons you are considering leaving your partner. Make sure that you aren’t leaving your husband or your boyfriend because things feel stagnant, and you subconsciously think that this new person will stay “new” forever.
In some cases, my clients have very valid reasons for wanting to leave their relationship, and in many others, it’s simply because they have started to feel bored. It’s so important to think this through before you decide to end your marriage. I cannot tell you how many clients I have worked with over the years who have come to me because they ended their relationship for someone new and wound up with crippling regrets. It is infinitely easier to repair a relationship while you’re still together And that’s the thing! If you’re falling in love with someone who isn’t your spouse or your boyfriend, it means that there is something fundamentally wrong in your relationship. But that doesn’t mean that things can’t improve!
If you come to the realization that it would be worth it to fight for your relationship, I want you to know that we have created so much content on the topic designed to help you. We have in depth articles on how to save a relationship, and we have countless videos on the subject on our YouTube channels. And, of course, we are specialized in repairing relationships and you can work with us one on one by clicking here. By asking you targeted questions, we can carry out an analysis of your specific situation and provide you with a tailor-made action plan.
Something to remember when you find yourself in a situation like this is that there are seasons to love, and not all of them include sunshine and rainbows. There are challenges, and oftentimes, these challenges serve as powerful catalysts to push you to change to get on a better path. In many cases, an affair in a relationship actually leads to a much happier period between the two partners simply because they needed the electroshock. Things needed to change, and a bright light needed to be shed on what specifically needed to change. Of course, this is a very challenging process, but my point is that sometimes these things are a blessing in disguise.
So your job right now is to zero in on why you and your significant other have grown apart. Did you neglect each other because you’ve both been too busy? Is there improvement to be made in your communication skill so that you can ensure that both of you are feeling happy and fulfilled?
It’s important to remember that in the majority of cases, it’s not a good idea to throw in the towel when your relationship is feeling monotonous or unfulfilling simply because something more interesting has caught your eye. At the end of the day, this new person is just a different season, and eventually, you will see a winter there too.
The solution when you fell in love with another man while married
I encourage you to take this time to really think about how you want to remember yourself 3, 5, 10 years down the line, and which relationship would you regret losing more? Love isn’t as easy as Disney and Hollywood would have us believe. It is a very challenging thing, there are highs and lows, and there are challenges to overcome. But as I just said, sometimes these obstacles are blessings in disguise because they reorient us in a better direction, down a better path.
If you know in your heart of hearts that your significant other or spouse is not the one for you, and that they never were the right person for you, then that’s one thing. But if you are drawn to this new person simply because your relationship has become a bit lackluster, I want you to know that it IS possible to repair your relationship and bring it back to its former glory. In fact, it IS possible to make it better than ever, and we can show you how.
So, if you’re wondering what to do, these are the questions you need to ask yourself:
1. Why have you fallen for this other person?
2. How did you feel about your spouse in the beginning?
3. What are your reasons for wanting to leave your partner?
Once you get a better idea of what’s going on behind the scenes, you will have a much better idea of what needs to happen now.
We are here to help you every step of the way, whether you’re unsure of what to do, or how to proceed into the relationship you choose.
I sincerely wish you all the very best,
Your coach when you’re thinking, “I’m in love with another man,”