Today, I wanted to take some time to talk about a subject that sometimes isn’t the easiest topic to discuss. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, it can make you think about yourself in a different way, and it can call a lot of things into question, but I want to shed some light on it.
I especially want to shed some light on it because it is much more common than people might realize, and it’s important to understand that you’re not alone. If you are experiencing marriage problems after having a baby, you have come to the right place.
There are specific reasons for the tension that exists in your relationship right now, and that means that there are also solutions! In today’s article, I am going to go over some of the most common reasons for marriage problems after having a baby, and then I will give you some solutions that you can start to implement right away.
I want you to know that there are solutions to all the problems that we experience in love and we have made it our life’s mission to provide you with all the tips and tools you need to coach yourself at home. So without further ado, let’s get started!
Marriage problems after baby: Why this happens
Over the years, we have worked with so many individuals and couples who have come to us with this problem. Their relationships had ups and downs like anybody else’s, but when they had a baby, it seemed that everything changed.
They couldn’t seem to connect in the way that they did before, and they began to argue and bicker more and more. Small problems became big problems, and it started to feel that they had no idea how to reconnect anymore.
When this happens, I always begin by analyzing the current dynamic. I worked with a client recently, Rebecca, who had come to me asking about what to do. Her marriage was really struggling and she and her husband had just had their first child together, who was about 5 months old.
She explained to me that her husband, Rick, always seemed to be in a bad mood and he was spending less and less time at home. She didn’t suspect him of cheating or anything, but she was beginning to resent him for not helping out with their newborn. In turn, she was being more and more hostile with him. As you can imagine, the foundation of the marriage began to crumble.
So we needed to take a look at what was going on on a deeper level. In my experience, one of the most common reasons for marriage problems after a baby is actually biological. If you’re the one who gave birth to the baby, then your body is biologically designed to want to focus on nurturing and caring for your newborn.
This is natural and beautiful, but a side effect is sometimes that your partner starts to feel neglected, and every person handles the feeling of neglect in a different way. In many cases, I see the other person start to become needy, cold, distant, or like in Rick’s case, hostile.
For Rebecca and Rick, the solution could be found in reconnecting through both of their Love Languages. But I’ll go more into detail about that in a moment.
First, I wanted to talk about another common cause for marriage problems after two people have a baby: Fatigue. There is no denying it. Having a newborn is absolutely exhausting. Yes, it’s a labor of love, but it is exhausting! You don’t sleep much, your schedule is completely changed, and your life is entirely transformed, so it is very important for you to be gentle with yourselves.
When you haven’t slept properly and everything is new and challenging, you and your partner might clash. Patience is running thin and you feel like you just don’t have the time or energy to deal with another person. So, of course, your relationship starts to suffer.
The third most common cause for problems in a marriage after having a baby is something called “postpartum resentment.” Postpartum depression is something that you’ve probably heard about, but postpartum resentment is a bit different.
Postpartum depression can be characterized by emotions that make it hard for a new mother to bond with the baby. Postpartum resentment has more to do with the relationship between the two parents. As I was saying, when you have a new baby in your life, your life completely changes.
Many couples are really good at splitting the new responsibilities 50/50, but there are a lot of cases in which one person feels like they are doing way more than the other, and that the other has way more freedom.
In the vast majority of the cases, the mother spends more time taking care of the baby, and when she sees that her husband has time to go do things that she hasn’t really had the time to do (like spending time with some friends, going to work, getting a haircut, taking a long shower, etc.) she can start to resent him.
This can also happen when the husband is the one who is spending more time taking care of the baby, too. When one person feels like they are carrying more of the weight of this new responsibility, it becomes very easy to resent their partner.
How to deal with marriage problems after baby: The recipe to success
One of the things I always tell my clients is the following. Your significant other is not a mindreader, so communication is going to be your best friend. I know that it can feel like just one more thing you have to deal with, but making sure that you and your partner are able to have open dialogue about your needs and your emotions will help you to recreate your bond and operate as a team.
A lot of the time, a person will be feeling resentment or frustration but they don’t realize that they aren’t voicing their needs to their partner. In Rebecca’s case, she came to the realization that she wasn’t communicating her needs to her husband as clearly and she thought she had been. He needed a bit more guidance in how he could be helpful, and she was operating under the assumption that he already knew what he should be doing. This is why communication is so imperative.
The other thing that is going to be extremely helpful when it comes to repairing issues that arise after you have a child is communicating your love for each other in your love languages. If you have never had this conversation, I highly encourage you to talk about each of your love languages. The 5 of them are as follows:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
Though you are undoubtedly very busy these days, try to make some time to connect with your partner through his or her love language. If they respond well to words of affirmation, make sure you tell them what you love about them, what they did that you appreciate, thank them for the little things, and let them feel seen and cherished by you. I know it’s hard to factor all of these things in when you’re juggling so much, but it’s little things like this that will make a world of difference. If your partner’s love language is physical touch, make sure that you factor this into your exchanges. By doing so, you will minimize the feelings of neglect that they could be experiencing, and it will start to bring the two of you closer again.
Fixing your marriage after having a baby
As always, we are here to help you through each step. In this article. I’ve gone over some of the basics, but I know that each and every relationship is unique. If your marriage is really struggling and you don’t know where to start, I encourage you to reach out to me or to a member of my team for one on one coaching by clicking here. By working with you, we can ask you specific questions that will enable us to zero in on the root of the problem, define the best solutions, and design a custom action plan.
This period is nothing to be ashamed of because, once again, it is very common.
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I sincerely wish you all the best,
Your coach when you’re struggling with marriage problems after baby