Unhealthy relationships are one of the most common topics I deal with as a love and relationship expert. Many people come to me for help with turning a toxic relationship into a healthy one, but sometimes people come to me because they want to know why it’s so hard for them to leave.
They know that if they were to see another person in this situation, they would feel bad and tell them to pull the plug on the entire relationship but they can’t seem to do the same for themselves.
So in today’s article, I am going to go over the signs of an unhealthy relationship and what to do if you are in one!
I wanted to write this article for you today on the subject because I know how many people struggle with this type of complicated situation and it can have serious consequences on their mental health. I felt it warranted its own article because it can be so hard to make sense of it, especially when you have such strong feelings for this person.
There’s a common misconception about toxic relationships that I would like to address right off the bat. The great number of people make the mistake of confusing toxic behaviors with passion.
Unfortunately, this false sense of passion is oftentimes what keeps people stuck in unhealthy relationships. They might find that they keep breaking up and getting back together over and over again and that somehow they can’t seem to let go of this toxic situation.
They feel addicted to their partner and can’t seem to find peace without them… but they can’t find peace with them, either. It’s a very interesting phenomenon and like I said, it’s a common theme in my one-on-one coaching sessions.
A lot of people feel weak or stupid when they realize they can’t figure out how to leave a toxic relationship, especially when they feel like it should be a no-brainer. But if you understand what’s going on here, it becomes much easier to let go and to make the necessary changes.
If this is the situation you’ve found yourself in, don’t be too hard on yourself. You’re seeking out information right now that can make a huge difference!
Unhealthy relationships have to do with adrenaline. The couples who fight a lot and have violent highs and lows in their relationship get a rush that can become addictive. Intense, volatile fights followed by passionate makeups can make a person crave the emotions that wash over them when the latest conflict is resolved.
The problem is that they need conflicts to spark these emotions.
Fights followed by love, and love followed by fights create a rhythm that a person can get hooked on. People who feel like they’re stuck in toxic relationships, and even people who are addicted to emotionally abusive relationships, are not actually addicted to their partner, as much as they are to the rush that this situation gives them.
Interestingly enough, there’s another phenomenon that I have picked up on throughout the years. Sometimes, when a person successfully leaves a toxic relationship and settles into a new, healthy relationship, something very unexpected happens.
Because there were such high highs and so many ups and downs in their unhealthy relationship, they wind up feeling slightly bored in their new, stable relationship. This could make them gravitate back towards the toxic relationship, especially because they have become addicted to the spikes in their emotions.
Their brain essentially interprets the new “calm” as something “less than” what they had before.
Now, just because the toxic relationship may have sparked more of an adrenaline rush and was roller coaster ride, it doesn’t mean that those emotions in that relationship are sustainable. Imagine a candle. A flame that violently flickers in a strong wind is going to be put out fast.
So it’s very important to keep in mind the toxicity doesn’t tend to go away with time. In fact, it tends to get worse. If you are noticing an abusive emotional trend in the relationship, it’s important to leave before gets worse.
Many people get attracted to the abuse because it makes them feel alive, but even if you end up feeling less “alive” with someone else, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is not healthy and positive or that you should return to the abusive relationship.
So how can you know for sure if your relationship is toxic?
Interestingly enough, there’s another phenomenon that I have picked up on throughout the years. Sometimes, when a person successfully leaves a toxic relationship and settles into a new, healthy relationship, something very unexpected happens.
Because there were such high highs and so many ups and downs in their unhealthy relationship, they wind up feeling slightly bored in their new, stable relationship.
This could make them gravitate back towards the toxic relationship, especially because they have become addicted to the spikes in their emotions. Their brain essentially interprets the new “calm” as something “less than” what they had before.
Now, just because the unhealthy relationship may have sparked more of an adrenaline rush and was roller coaster ride, it doesn’t mean that those emotions in that relationship are sustainable. Imagine a candle. A flame that violently flickers in a strong wind is going to be put out fast.
So it’s very important to keep in mind the toxicity doesn’t tend to go away with time. In fact, it tends to get worse. If you are noticing an abusive emotional trend in the relationship, it’s important to leave before gets worse.
Many people get attracted to the abuse because it makes them feel alive, but even if you end up feeling less “alive” with someone else, it doesn’t mean that the relationship is not healthy and positive or that you should return to the abusive relationship.
So what are the red flags that can make you know for sure if your relationship is toxic?
In order to help you identify the situation, I wanted to provide you with some of the indicators that you are in a toxic relationship so that you know what to look for.
Healthy relationships that are going to withstand the test of time are comprised of two people who help to build each other up; not break each other down. An easy way to identify whether or not your relationship is toxic is to think about the dynamic between you.
By the way, unhealthy relationships are not only comprised of two people who are exhibiting destructive behavior… It only takes one partner to make a relationship toxic.
There are boundaries in every healthy relationship. Think about privacy, how much independence you give one another, and how you speak to one another.
An unhealthy relationship is one where your boundaries are not being respected by your partner, or you are not respecting theirs. If either of you is threatening the other’s privacy and independence, or is speaking to the other in a way that threatens their self-esteem or feeling of safety, the relationship is toxic.
Another thing to take into consideration is how your partner reacts when you asked them to stop doing something that is hurting you. Do they pay attention and change their actions, or do they continue to do the thing that hurts you?
If they do not take your well-being into consideration and continue doing something that makes you suffer, you are seeing signs of toxic relationships.
A very common theme that I see in toxic relationships is controlling behaviors. If your partner tries to control you, how you spend your time and who you spend it with, they’re not respecting boundaries.
When you are not allowed to breathe or to live a life of your own, it is a sign of a toxic relationship.
Another sign of a toxic relationship that is related to control issues is recurring threats to leave each other. By threatening to leave, a person can hold this power over their partner’s head to bend them to their will or the “win” the fight.
Toxic relationships can be identified when your partner blatantly ignores your cries for change or help. You are expressing that you need the situation to change in order for you to feel happy (and fulfilled and safe) in this relationship, but your boyfriend or girlfriend ignores it and he continues to act in a way that is destructive.
One of the more obvious signs of toxicity in a relationship is manipulation. Sometimes a person will manipulate their partner in an effort to get with they want, and the more this happens, the more destructive it becomes.
So if you notice that there is any type of regular manipulation, or even gaslighting in the relationship, please be aware that this is a big sign of a toxic relationship.
Does your partner always seem to make you feel worse about yourself (or vice versa)? Is one person constantly blaming the other for their unresolved emotional trauma or the fact that they aren’t where they want to be in life?
Does all the compromise consistently come from one person?
How to know when a relationship is over : The 7 telltale signs
For the reasons that I went over at the very beginning of this article, it can be very hard to leave a toxic relationship. You can become so addicted to the emotional highs despite the emotional lows, that it becomes very hard to disentangle yourself from the relationship.
One of the many problems with relationships that are toxic is that there isn’t respect, so it becomes hard to leave the relationship with dignity.
Exiting an unhealthy relationship will require great amount of strength – especially because it’s very hard to control human nature. It is very difficult to not want to hurt someone back who is hurting you.
There is pride, ego, the sense of wanting revenge or evening the playing field. I mean, if it was easy to end a toxic relationship there would be a lot less of them out there.
So the first step is to identify the situation and realize that you are unhappy and actually want out.
The next step is one that surprises most people. When you’ve decided that it is time to leave this relationship, do not rush! You’re probably reading that thinking, “Wait why wouldn’t I want to get out of the situation is fast as possible…?”
The reason is that you need to collect the strength and prepare yourself for leaving this relationship. Unless you’re being physically abused (in which case the sooner you get out, the better), you need to take the time to break the cycle a breaking up and getting back together all the time.
Because there is no respect and dignity in these types of relationships, it’s dangerously easy to break up and not mean it, and get back together not long after. This is how you develop violent highs and lows, so we need to break the pattern.
The more time you take to do this well, more time you’re giving yourself to prepare, plan out an approach, and feel confident in your actions. In addition to this, you will be less likely to go back, second-guess your decision, and restart the cycle.
Because you are taking your time to do this, you can write a letter to your partner. If it is truly abusive and toxic, this will grant you the opportunity to collect your thoughts and organize them on paper.
If your significant other truly cares about you, they will let you go and no longer hold you down. If they don’t let up and keep trying to reel you back in, then it is important to not answer and protect your dignity.
Another option is talking to them face-to-face. I recommend preparing your speech in the mirror and practicing what you want to say to your toxic boyfriend or girlfriend. You can coach yourself and feel prepared.
Now, keep in mind that this talk should not be more than 20 minutes and it should not be dramatic or theatrical. The reason for this is very simple. The longer time you spend doing it, the easier it becomes to second-guess your decision and change your mind about leaving this toxic person.
We’ve also created a special product specifically designed to help you move on from a relationship with grace and peace of mind. To access it, all you have to do is click here!
Breaking up is hard, no matter what. It doesn’t matter if it’s an unhealthy relationship or if it’s a relationship whose flame has fizzled out… it’s always hard.
Emotions are complex and deeply rooted, so it is a good idea to tell your friends and family that you are planning on ending this relationship so that they can be there for you afterwards.
Let your support systems support you because you will be dealing with painful emotions as you are letting go of the memories of the good times. Just remember that the good times did not cancel out the bad times, and that you are worthy of a whole and healthy love that builds you up and helps you to become the absolute best version of yourself.
That love is out there, and it is in your power to open the door to it.
I know that these situations are very challenging, but I want to know that we are here to help you every step of the way. As a dedicated team of love and relationship coaches, it is our mission to provide you with the tools and techniques you need to grant yourself access to long lasting happiness in love.
Join The Happily Committed Project and transform your relationship before it’s too late or let us help you heal and move forward with your life in a dignified and meaningful way.
Together we can work on reaching your goal by providing you with a clear-cut action plan that has been tailor-made to fit your relationship, your situation, and your specific needs.
Wishing you the absolute best in life and love
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2 Responses
My husband is generally and unsupportive in many daily tasks. Never making nice comments unless he has a hidden agenda or motive.
I’m in a toxic relationship, and I try to leave, but I can’t. But after reading your article now, I can leave my relationship. Your tips are really helping me to solve my problem. Thank you so much.