If you’re familiar with our philosophy, then you know how often we talk about the importance of self confidence when it comes to love and relationships. Insecurities can really undermine the foundation of any romantic relationship and can really cause some damage.
Someone came to me with a very important question not too long ago and they wanted to know about what exactly you can do if your boyfriend or husband is the one that is insecure in the relationship.
This is such an interesting topic and very many people come to me with questions about it, so I wanted to take some time today to write this article for you.
There are various signs of an insecure man in love, and if you know what to be on the lookout for, you will have an easier time pinpointing what’s going on and defining appropriate solutions for it.
In today’s article I am going to go over how to spot the signs, and what kind of actions can make him feel more secure in the relationship. In turn, this is going to strengthen the relationship between you because you’ll both be feeling more fulfilled. So let’s take a look, shall we?
Marlena came to me with this issue a few weeks back. She had been dating this man, Ray, for about eight months and she started to pick up the fact that he seemed to need quite a bit of reassurance from her.
She was a bit caught off guard because at the beginning of the relationship, he was so charismatic, he had so many interesting things going on, and of course, these were just some of the things that drew her to him!
So when he started to exhibit a lot of the signs I’m about to go over with you in this article, she didn’t really know what to do with the relationship. She started to feel suffocated and frustrated by his behavior, and tensions began to rise between them.
Then we began to work together, and I began sharing some tools with her on how she can start to make him feel more secure in the relationship.
The problem was that the more he pined for her attention and showed her that he was insecure, the more she would pull away. The more she would pull away, the more he would pine for her attention and show signs of insecurity, so they started to go into a downward spiral.
Fortunately, she wants to make this relationship work so by taking a step back, putting things into perspective, and working with someone like me who could help her navigate this type of situation, she was able to start implementing the tips and tools that I’ll be going over momentarily.
The more she began being empathetic towards the way he was feeling, the easier it began to be for her to do things that little by little are starting to help him feel more confident in love.
So I know you’re wondering what exactly you can do to figure out what’s going on here and define the best solutions!
One of the easiest ways to figure out if you’re seeing signs of an insecure man in love is to look at how he treats himself. Does it seem like he feels he’s never good enough, does he critique himself a lot, does he compare himself to others?
Does he compare himself to the other people that you spend time with and make it clear that he feels inferior or threatened?
If so, you’re seeing signs of a man who is insecure. It’s true that men in love can get a bit possessive, but if you see that it’s directly related to what he brings to the table vs what other men might bring you, then he’s insecure.
If your man is controlling and demands to know where you are and who you’re spending your time with, it means that he’s insecure. A person who is confident and secure will not feel the need to question their partner’s every move.
If a person is insecure in love, then they’re going to try to control you so that they can feel like they’re not at risk for getting hurt. It actually all boils down to a profound fear of getting hurt by someone they love.
So keep an eye out for whether your boyfriend or husband demands to know what you’re up to at all times, if he needs to go through your social media accounts frequently and wants to have access to your private things like your passwords, your phone, your emails, and so on and so forth, it means that he’s insecure in the relationship.
If a man does not believe in himself, if he self-loathes, and if he’s always putting himself down, it means that he’s struggling with insecurity in the relationship and in love.
This probably sounds like a no brainer to you, but a lot of people don’t pay attention to the fact that some men are really insecure in love and end up doing things that really damage the foundation of the relationship. So if he never believes you, even if you’re telling the truth, it’s a sign of broken trust and insecurity.
Another sign of an insecure man in love is when he discourages you from spending time with yourself or with your friends in situations that don’t involve him.
As I said above, it is all rooted in lack of self confidence, but there ARE some things that you can do to help when you’re with an insecure person…
When it comes to insecurity in a partner, it will be important for you to learn where exactly it’s coming from. Did you break his trust, or did someone else in a past relationship? Did something happen in his life that made him lose confidence in himself? How much of his insecurity are you responsible for?
By knowing your role in all of this, you’ll be able to asses how much of his experience in your relationship is within your control, or if he needs to find support to help him manage things that are outside your control.
You can actually easily ease his insecurities by being understanding and trying to learn where he’s coming from. A lot of people get frustrated with insecure partners and end up getting angry and having a fit, which actually just makes their partner that much more insecure.
It can then turn into a snowball effect that becomes harder and harder to diffuse.
If you’re dealing with an insecure man in love, you can ease his insecurity by reaffirming that you love him. Go ahead and try texting, “I love you” to him in the middle of the afternoon at random to let him know that even when you’re not together, he’s still on your mind.
How to stop being insecure in a relationship: 15 surefire techniques
When a man is feeling insecure, it’s important for him to know that there are things that he can do to make himself feel better as well. It’s not just all about what YOU can do for him. He needs to be able to bring happiness into his own life, otherwise the relationship will start to become imbalanced.
So here are few things that your man can start doing:
• Focusing on the things he does well
Encourage your man to think about what he excels at, and encourage him to put himself in situations where he knows he’ll be able to shine. For example, if he happens to be a great breakdancer, he can start taking dance classes and have all kinds of fun doing something he loves and is good at.
The more he sees himself shine, the more his confidence levels will rise.
• Cultivating gratitude and positivity
It’s really easy to get into our heads and fixate on our insecurities and things that make us unhappy, but an incredible shift happens when you start making a conscious effort to focus on the good. It puts you in a very different mindset and makes you feel much better about yourself and your life.
• Surrounding himself with people that make him feel good
This goes hand in hand with my previous point. If your man can limit his interactions with negative people or individuals that make him feel less than, it’s going to be a lot easier to start feeling better.
• Finding joy in being more independent
He needs to be more independent and focus on things that specifically bring him joy, even if you, his partner, don’t want to join in! You shouldn’t need to do everything together, and this is the type of thing that can really reinforce a relationship!
So he needs to be able to challenge himself and step outside of his comfort zone. The more he can do this, the happier he will feel and the more attractive he will be to you. He could even start by making a bucket list for himself!
So like I said, it all boils down to confidence.
If you can zero in on where these feelings of insecurity are stemming from, how much of it you’re responsible for and what it within your control, then you can start to work on implementing actions in your daily life that let him know that he’s important to you and that he’s on your mind.
If you want to dive deeper into how to overcome a lack of self confidence, I encourage you to check out our product on getting rid of insecurity once and for all! You can access it by clicking here.
He also needs to work on overcoming insecurity on his own, which he can do by working on becoming more independent and proud of what he brings to the table!
So if you’ve seen the signs of an insecure man in a relationship because he’s controlling, doesn’t believe in himself and belittles himself, compares himself to others all the time, and doesn’t trust you when he should, don’t panic. This can change if both of you are willing to make an effort.
It’s not going to get fixed overnight, but little by little, you can show this man that he can trust you and this relationship, that you’re with him for a reason, and that he isn’t at risk for losing you all the time.
Sometimes people really struggle because of something that happened to them in the past, but as time goes on and they have new experiences, the good experiences start to outweigh the bad, and their insecurities start to fade away. It’s just a question of being proactive about it!
Don’t just sit back on the couch and wait for things to change on their own. I always remind my clients that they’re in charge of a lot more than they might realize.
So remember, we are here to help you every step of the way so if you need help showing your partner that he has no reason to worry so that you can bring more lightness and balance to your relationship, all you have to do is click here. Join the Happily Committed Project and transform your relationship in a meaningful and dignified way!
Please feel free to also leave any questions you might have in the comments section below and it would be our pleasure to get back to you.
I sincerely wish you nothing but the best in life and love,
Your coach when you see the signs of an insecure man in love,
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26 Responses
My man was lovely dovey at first and would text and call me all the time now he only calls or text if he wants something or wants to know what I’m doing and where I’m at. He puts me down so bad and then after about an hour or so he’s back to being nice it’s really weird. He always accuses me of lying and cheating and I’m not. Please tell me what I need to do. I moved to another state and changed my life for him. I have no family here and I need to know what I need to do
Hi Angie,
I invite you to read this article on toxicity in a relationship to make sure that this isn’t happening in yours. It sounds like your partner is taking you for granted and there needs to be a shift in the dynamic between you. Work on your independence and your sense of self confidence by getting physically active, meeting new people, exploring new places in your new city, and stepping outside of your comfort zone.
A man will always want to pursue and woo a woman that takes him off of that pedestal and lives a life that is fulfilling.
Hi I have been with my boyfriend over 2yrs and he constantly thinking I’m calling and texting his co-worker that I don’t even know,it really makes me unhappy,we argue about nothing I tried to convince him it’s not so,I don’t even know the man,we live together and sometime we don’t even talk, because of what he is thinking 😂
Hi Sandra, it seems that there may be a communication issue. I recommend reading this article that should help!
😭😭
I’m dating this guy for 2/3 weeks
He’s already accusing me of cheating and we are constantly fighting over nothing that makes no sense he will bring up things I said and always blame me for things I didn’t do whe will ask me over and over are we still an item or are we fine.
We had a fight so I ask him for sometime on my own but he called me the whole night asking me what is wrong even if I told tell him nothing
He want to know if I’m chating with other guys and why am I back in my Facebook he keeps on saying I’m chating with other guys
Hi Sharalee, it sounds like you need to define boundaries in the relationship, and this is especially important in the beginning phase of the relationship. Be careful with what you allow from this man because it is in essence laying out the foundation for how this relationship will develop.
I just moved 10 and a half hours away a couple months ago, left my family and everything I knew for my boyfriend. Everything was great and loving and happy at first, but now it’s different. He’s constantly criticizing me, like nothing I do is enough, he swears he loves me and cares and he doesnt want me to leave but he’s put distance between us, barely wants to get affectionate anymore. He acts like he doesnt care but when I’m home alone while hes working when he goes on break he’ll message me every time and ask me what I’ve been up to and why I’m up so late as if he’s suspicious of me.
Hi Maria, I encourage you to read this article on how to build trust in a relationship!
Me and partner are fighting so endlessly because of he doesn’t trust me. We still argue about things I did back in 2018 yet it has nothing to do with infidelity. I’ve assured him that I love him and all I want is for us to be happy. He’s holding on too much on past things and they are hindering us from being happy. I am emotionally strained, I don’t want to loose him. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Hi Luna, I encourage you to reach out to us for one on one coaching so that we can study your relationship and give you a tailormade action plan. To work with us, just click here.
I am in a long distance relationship with a man I met last year. Now I told him going into this that I never been in a long distance relationship before. He assured me that he is real and true, so I believed him and got into a relationship. He was so sweet, charming, long, caring, thoughtful, respectful, delightful, and many more great characteristics he has. We use to laugh all the time and just have so much fun even though we’re distant. He posted me everywhere on his social medias and he just made me feel really special and wanted. He’s always complimenting me which I love and I am so grateful for. I always tell him how much he means to me, how much I love him, I support him, and believe in him and his dreams to being the best captain he wants to be. I’ve been nothing but supportive to him, and encouraging which he himself has admitted to. Earlier on in the relationship I had two very close male friends who I no longer am friends with anymore because my relationship is more important to me than anything else. One of my friends couldn’t leave with disturbing the peace between me and him and even since that happened my boyfriend’s insecurities has come out to the point ot has mentally, emotionally and physically drained me. I find myself crying and I feel defeated, I question myself and try to be careful of anything I say or do. He accuses me every other week and it hurts because I’ve been loyal to him for day one and I made sure he knew that. Anytime we get into a fight and he starts one of his episodes, I let him know how he has made me feel and to try to understand his actions. He always claims he understands and apologizes and blames his ex for the cause of his actions. I told him that this is a new relationship and I am not his ex. It has been a year and a half and nothing has changed! He has apologized so many times and claims he will change but he ends up going right back to his old self. He told me he didn’t realize his actions and that he was working kn his self and asked me to give him another chance. So I did and I’ve been patient with him but he has went back to accusing and he said it’s because of my male coworker at my job who is married btw. We work in the same area and we’re always talking and laughing nothing major. I talk to all my coworkers buy my boyfriend insists on thinking I’m seeing someone at the job. I’m honest with him, I told him about my male coworker, I tell him everything. What I told him about my male coworker was that he works in my area. I let him now I work around men this time and he is having a fit. He said he doesn’t want any man around me, and he wants me alone. Even before my new job he was always accusing and I understand his ex hurt him deeply but why do I have to suffer for her mistakes? And this is exactly what I told him and all he did was apologize. He doesn’t know how deeply I am hurt by this even though I explained and he still doesn’t know hear me. He lost my trust, my respect and now he’s losing my love. Even though I love him so much I just don’t understand why he caused me so much pain after saying he would never hurt me? I don’t get it! Everything would be going smoothly and he would be subtle and try to be nonchalant with questions he’s asking me but I know what he ask for. He watches my social media pages and go through my likes. I’ve turned into him doing everything he does to me right back hoping he will see his self but that didn’t work. He started saying the things I’ve said to him and he still doesn’t see himself. He follows and like so many other women’s pages after he told me he doesn’t want to allow new people on our social media pages but he’s doing that now. We fight so much and we’re off and on. One day we got into a fight and he decided that he wanted to go out on a yacht and he allowed a woman to take his phone and follow him on her social media pages. I told him I would never do anything like that to him but yet he accuses me everyday. His excuse for that was he was just talking g to her about sailing which is not a big deal but he gets mad if I when speak to anyone or say anything. He’s free to do as he pleases and that is not right at all. I’m tired
Hi Mulan, I know how draining it can be to be in a relationship with someone who does not trust you. The solution lies in communication, and I encourage you to read this article. I highly recommend reaching out to us for coaching so that we can study your situation and create a plan of action that will give you the results you are looking for. To work with us, just click here.
Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years. And I know he is insecure And has had a bad past relationship with they cheating on him. I’m a very free and independent person. I was hoping with time he would finally trust me and start feeling more comfortable but that’s not the case. I feel like I have to keep reassuring him and that’s just pushing me more away which than makes his insecurity worst. How do I tell him this without sounding like I’m placing blame on him.
Hi Cynthia, I would suggest telling him that the more he trusts you, the easier it is for you to be yourself. The more you can be yourself, the more this relationship can develop. Over time, you will see that the foundation will start to strengthen and it will put his mind at ease. You can also gently bring his attention to the fact that in the past two years, you have not done anything to test his trust.
Hi I don’t normally do this but I am, I’ve been married for 3 years and with him for 7.
I’ve changed my whole self personality including jobs to suit his insecurities. I’m now very unhappy as I cannot do or go anywhere with friends or jobs. I’m a very social person
He admits he will never change but I cannot go on like this
He has had help from therapist and we chat often about this
I can no longer live this way, but do love him what can I do.
Hi Natalie, your wellbeing is of paramount importance. If it is suffering this much because of your relationship, you will need to ask yourself some uncomfortable questions potentially turning the page and moving on from this marriage. It is very hard, but sometimes the most difficult decisions open the most wonderful doors. If you need us for guidance, please don’t hesitate to reach out by clicking here for coaching.
Good day!!
So this has been going on for a while…
My boyfriend and I are two months together….
And he really struggles to believe me when I am genuinely telling him the full honest truth…I think it may be his past relationships that changed his mindset to where it is now.
For example, we would go out over the weekends with friends and then he likes to think that if he leaves me for a second alone that he sees me talking to other guys and flirting, when the truth is, I AM NOT!
I may be talking to other friends that I know that I see there, but it doesn’t mean that I am flirting, I’m allowed to talk to other guy friends, because I do have some guy friends…
I then tell him I wouldn’t do anything to damage the relationship because I really fell in love with him, but every time I try to reassure him, it’s as if he makes up things in his mind to justify why he is feeling this way, when it actually never happened, because I know what I do and I know where my boundaries are and what is going too far.
I don’t know what to do!
At the end of the argument i’m soo exhausted I just give in and beg for forgiveness and understanding just to keep the peace.
I really don’t want to give up!!!
I can see he is very insecure, but I really try to be understanding towards why he feels this way, but he can over exaggerate a lot!!!!
Please help
Hi Kristin, I understand that this can be a very frustrating situation. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us for one on one coaching by clicking here, and I encourage you to read this article on developing proper communication tools in your relationship.
Hi..i have an issue im trying to cope with..there was a time in my relationship where we couldn’t have sex so i started watching porn just to get the edge off which didnt help..my girl came to know and wasn’t too happy about that,months past and i found “handsome guy porn”in her browser history..more than 1 page was open so i asked her politely if she had been watching porn aswell..she replied no she hasn’t and that those pages that were in her history were because of getting redirected when ever she downloads music from the toxicwap site
Since this incident i have been feeling sort of insecure for everything and i dont know if i should speak to her about this please help?
Hi I’ve been in a one year relationship with this man and his past is traumatizing I got him to open up to me and the beginning of our relationship was almost perfect and I’ve caught him lying and cheating on me and the moment I caught him he started treating me bad. Ever since then our relationship has a lot of tension. He fears if I would retaliate and hurt him back because of what he did to me but I felt like his reasoning was because he assumed I was going behind his back. He tells me I’m the most attractive person he has ever dated and he doesn’t want to lose me. I feel like I’m taken advantage of, controlled, and treated like crap but I love this man and I know he loves me it’s just a toxic relationship. What is the best way to make him feel secure and to act as he did in the beginning I don’t know the real reasoning of his behavior changing.
hi i am Heran i am married for over ten years with my husband. he thinks every day i cheat on him without any reason. he every time checks my mobile, my bag . . . i have tried to tell him so many times that i love him & there is no one but him in my life but everything is the same we argue so much, he thinks i am hurting his feeling, even if i ignore him not to fight he thinks i am neglecting him because i am seeing someone. . . now it is getting hard for me to even survive everyday i have headache i am reflecting my frustration even on my two children i love him and want to leave happily so what do i do?
Hi Natalie,
This was a great read. Currently, I am in a similar situation with my insecure man, but we are in a long distance relationship. I already do a lot of the strategies you’ve described here, such as texting him “I love you,” supporting his goals and endeavors, and encouraging him to surround himself with people who bring him joy. But he is still insecure, has controlling tendencies, compares himself to other men, talks down on himself, and doesn’t seem to trust me when I’m with my friends. I’m not sure how much else I can do at this point. We FaceTime at least 4-6 days out of the week, which is as much as I can fit in with my busy schedule (while still maintaining an in-person social life), and he seems to be really bothered by the fact that he doesn’t get to see me often. I think he has unrealistic expectations about how often we can reasonably visit each other due to the distance, but he views my realism as me not trying or me giving up. I find him quite dependent on me and I feel a lot of pressure as he’s made it seem like I am his only source of happiness. I make him feel like he’s a priority in my life, but now it’s starting to feel like he wants to be the *only* thing in my life.
Please advise! Thank you!
Marie
I hurt my boyfriend at the beginning stage of our relationship before we officially started dating and I’ve tried proofing to him that have changed and it was all a mistake that is never going to happen again and he believes my love for him is fake and I can never be true to him.
He says he loves me but he has insecurities about him that doesn’t give him peace of mind and he wants peace in his life.
He doubts my Intentions and we’ve been dating for 3 years now
My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 4 years. We just had a fight about introducing a vibrator into sex. He is very insecure about his size, which I have known for a long time, and said that a vibrator makes him feel inadequate. I have told him that I think he is the perfect size and that I don’t think he’s small at all, but he continues to feel so insecure about this. We started talking about spicing things up and trying new things, and when I brought up a vibrator, he said that he has been wanting to spice things up for months but I never want to have sex or try new things, and after months of this, the first thing I do is bring up a vibrator. I don’t think he hears me when I tell him this has nothing to do with him, that it is about enhancing pleasure for me. He then said that this wasn’t spicing things up, that it was only about enhancing my pleasure. Any guidance or insight would be greatly appreciated.
Been with a guy off and on for 7 1/2 years, finally after 5 times of off and on. He has told me that he doesn’t think he is in love with anymore. We have the best relationship all the good stuff, but we lack in desire for him to do stuff for me as far as gifts, flowers, for him to spoil me. He was able to do it with rest of his girlfriends that meant nothing to him as much as I do. We moved 2 hours away from everyone to give our kids a better life. Now he has told me that I have to figure out something about him that only 2 other people have told him in his life. I did some research do to his past relationships that I have listened they were not good to him. I think he had insecures on certain levels with me. I’m very confused. We are broken up still live in same house Bc neither one of us will leave. Still sleep in same bed still have sex. Still act like we are together, we have it just he is not in love with me like he was the others that he did stuff for them that knew this about him. Any help with this or do I walk away.