The feeling of insecurity in a romantic relationship is one of the things that can frustrate and exhaust you the most. In addition to this, it can also create tension in the relationship that wasn’t there before. It’s very important to learn how to stop being insecure in a relationship so that it can really thrive!
There are a variety of different reasons behind insecurity in relationships, and I wanted to write this article for you outlining what those are. I also wanted to share some valuable tools on how to stop being insecure in your relationship so that you can move forward in the best way possible.
The feeling of anxiety that you are experiencing right now can be remedied. My goal is to provide you with tools, techniques, and actions that you can use on a daily basis.
When you stop feeling insecure, you stop running the risk of doing things that could actually damage your relationship and what’s more, you can reinforce the connection between you and your significant other. So let’s dive right in, shall we?
Why am I so insecure in my relationship?
If you are feeling insecure, especially in your relationship, it’s important to zero in on why you are feeling this way.
Some people begin to feel insecure pretty early on in a new relationship. In most cases, this is usually because they had experienced something in the past that made them lose trust in a significant other.
Perhaps it was cheating in the relationship, or maybe they found out about the series of lies, and whatever the case may be, it left a mark. It didn’t becomes very hard to disassociate that trauma with the new relationship, so they find themselves dealing with insecurities.
Another common reason behind insecurities in a relationship is the lack of a sense of independence. A lot of times a person will focus all of their attention and energy on their significant other and this begins to form an imbalance in the relationship. In essence, they begin to allow their happiness and sense of well-being to depend on their partner.
Then they wind up feeling like they need constant reassurance and validation, which can turn into needy and clingy behavior that actually pushes their significant other away because they end up feeling suffocated.
Sometimes a person realizes this, but other times they don’t pick up on it until it’s too late and a fair amount of damage has already been done.
Of course, insecurity also exists in situations in which a person’s partner has given them a reason to feel uneasy and suspicious in their relationship. Perhaps he or she has already done something that made you put your guard up and you’re having trouble moving past it.
It’s a perfectly human response, especially when you know the expression, “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”
No one wants to get burnt again – especially not by their significant other.
The thing is, in order for a relationship to be stable and withstand the test of time you have to make sure that you can feel confident in it.
Now, if your partner is doing things that are making you lose confidence in the relationship, that’s one thing… but if you recognize that you are feeling insecure in the relationship and you know you need to work on overcoming insecurity because it’s disproportionate to the situation at hand, don’t worry because we are here to help!
Insecurities in a relationship: Focusing on what you can control!
The biggest weapon you have in your arsenal to fight against being insecure in a relationship is your personal sense of confidence and self-esteem.
When you are not feeling confident in yourself and what you bring to the table, it becomes very easy to start feeling insecure in a relationship. Maybe you’ve been together for six months, maybe you’ve been together for six years, but if you are not proud of you are and your accomplishments, it becomes very easy to start seeing signs of insecurity.
So confidence comes from accomplishment. The more things you do, the better you will feel. It’s very important to start becoming active in your daily life and filingl up your schedule with people and activities that add value.
I highly encourage you to think about what elements of your life could benefit from some improvement. Have your professional goals been put on the back burner as this relationship took precedent in your life? Now would be the perfect time to start carving out time for working towards these goals.
If you want to become more secure in the relationship, become more secure with yourself by doing things that make you proud to be who you are.
This is not limited to your professional life! Think about projects that you can start working on. It can be something you’ve been meaning to do with your house, a trip you’ve been wanting to take with your best friends, hobby you’ve been meaning to pick up… the opportunities are endless, and the key to feeling better is to get busy.
The more time you spend ruminating in your thoughts, the more amplified they will become and the more challenging overcoming insecurity will feel. But it doesn’t have to be a terrifying battle! Everybody feels insecure at one point or another, and all you have to do to overcome it is to focus on accomplishments.
One of the exercises we do with our clients on a regular basis has to do with setting goals. If you are able to set goals for yourself that you can achieve, you will see your confidence and self-esteem grow. So think about short-term and long-term goals. For example, let’s think about a professional goal. Where would you like to be two years from now? To reach that goal, where would you need to be one year from now?
To reach the goal of where you would need to be one year from now, where do you need to be six months from now?
So start thinking about what you can start doing today to reach your goal of where you would like to be in six months. Every little thing counts! The more things you feel like you accomplish, the better you will feel about yourself, and the less insecurity you will feel about the status of your relationship, your partner’s actions, how they feel about you, etc.
This is whey we stress the importance of independence in relationships so much. The more you depend on your significant other for your happiness, the easier it becomes to feel insecure in their relationship. Like I said above, it puts you at risk for acting needy and clingy, and pushing your partner away.
The tips and tools that will help you get rid of insecurity once and for all!
There are a lot of different things that you can do in your life to help you deal with insecurities. I’d like to go over things that you can do on a regular basis that will help you to get rid of relationship insecurities.
• Cut out negative people
If you are surrounded by people that do or say things that make you feel insecure about yourself and/or insecure in your relationship with your significant other, it would be wise to put some distance between you. There are a lot of people who relish drama and they can become an energy vacuum in your life without even realizing it. The more you are exposed to negative people, the easier it becomes to feel insecure and paranoid.
• Pay attention to your body language
This is something that a lot of us don’t pay attention to, and it is not uncommon to underestimate the importance of body language. If you sit with your back hunched, arms crossed, looking at the floor, it’s very easy to feel small.
On the other hand, if you keep your back straight in your shoulders back, head up, and make direct eye contact while speaking in a confident tone of voice, you will see that you will start to feel more confident. I encourage you to pay attention to how you interact with people – especially your significant other.
• Take things day by day
Be careful to not get overwhelmed when you’re working on how to be less insecure. It’s easy to get frustrated when you’re already feeling vulnerable, so remind yourself that this is a process and it is not something that heals overnight.
You have to put in the work and set a foundation in your life that makes you feel more confident in what you bring to the table. This is why it’s so important to never underestimate the power of baby steps and accomplishing small goals!
• Celebrate small victories
Be careful to never focus on negative things. Think about the glass half full, the silver lining, and choose to focus on things that make you happy and instead of things that make you feel sad, frustrated, or insecure. Many people underestimate the power of our own thoughts and how much we can control them.
If you are struggling with a slew of negative thoughts all the time, I encourage you to find physical and emotional release in exercise. Go for a long run, hit the gym, or start taking group classes like yoga or spin. Find something that enables you to release the tension that you are feeling, and the endorphins your body releases will help you to nurture positive thoughts on a more regular basis.
• Identify what you are insecure about
If there is a specific issue that is making you feel insecure in a relationship, it is important to identify what it is. If possible, work on taking steps to address the issue at hand.
If your partner is doing something that is making you feel uneasy, you will have to discuss it with them in a productive way. This means talking about it in a calm and collected manner so that you can work on defining solutions together.
• Self compassion
One of the greatest tools that we can learn as human beings is silencing the inner critic. We all have it, but sometimes that little voice gets too loud and casts a negative shadow across too many elements in your life. None of us are perfect and we all have work to do, but it is very important to be gentle with yourself while you do this work.
There’s no sense in berating yourself, thinking “Why am I so paranoid? This is ridiculous!” Think more about the reasons behind this paranoia and insecurity, and how exactly you can work on them.
• Focus on your qualities
Because we all have the inner critic, a lot of us have the tendency to focus on things we don’t like about ourselves, and the things we wish were different. This makes it really easy to focus on negative things that can actually give rise to feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. It’s enough to make you search for constant reassurance and end up feeling even worse when you don’t get it.
In turn, this can give rise to problems that weren’t even there in the first place and once again, it becomes a negative spiral.
• Put yourself in a position where it becomes easy for your qualities to shine
This is one of the most important tools I want to share with you today. There is something special about each and every one of us, so it’s really important that you zero in on what your talents and positive character traits are. Then, I want you to figure out what kind of settings would make it possible for these characteristics to actually shine. For example, if you are pretty good at painting, why not start taking classes. You’ll be putting yourself in a situation where it’s easy to make yourself proud of yourself!
If you are a compassionate, people person, think of some charity work you can do to get you in touch with more people that can benefit from your attitude. Think about what kind of platforms would make it easy for you to have experiences that make you feel better about yourself.
• Cultivate gratitude when you are dealing with insecurity
This point falls in line with the points I was making above. Make sure that you really work hard on focusing on the good and cultivating gratitude in your life. This is one of the biggest things that will help you to stop being an insecure girlfriend or boyfriend.
You can make a conscious choice to focus on the good, just like you can make a conscious choice to focus on the things that conjure up negative emotions of you. So start training yourself to make positivity a priority in your life. The next time a negative thought pops up, challenge yourself to think of a positive one to counter it. Do this every time it happens and little by little, you will see that it will start to become a natural response.
• Hold on to your independence
I made this point towards the beginning of the article but I want to reiterate how important it is. Always make sure that you have your own things going on and that you are living a life that you are proud of. The more independent you can be, the more confident we will be in the relationship. It’s as simple as that.
The more needy and clingy you are, the easier it will be to feel insecure.
• Stretch your comfort zone
When you want to know how to stop paranoia and insecurities in a relationship, keep in mind that challenging yourself on a daily basis is one of the best things you can do. It allows you to start doing things for yourself, and it shows you that you are in charge of your own happiness. It starts helping with establishing more independence and guess what, this actually makes you considerably more attractive in your partner’s eyes!
Getting rid of insecurity in a relationship by getting in control of your own life
Now that you know some of the most effective tools for dealing with insecurity in a relationship, I encourage you to make a pact with yourself to implement them every single day. The more you do something, the faster it becomes a habit. You can change your life and how you feel in any relationship by taking action and focusing on living a life that makes you feel happy.
The worst thing you can do is isolate yourself and ruminate and negative thoughts.
If you need any help navigating through this challenging situation, please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me or a member of my team. As dedicated love and relationship coaches, we are here to help guide you from A-Z. We have even created a product specifically designed to show you how to stop being insecure in a relationship. To access it, all you have to do is click here!
Join The Happily Committed Project and transform your relationship before it’s too late in a dignified and meaningful way. Together, we can work on reaching your goal by providing you with a clear-cut action plan that has been tailor-made to fit your relationship, your situation, and your specific needs.
Wishing you the absolute best in life and love,
Your coach when you want to know how to stop being insecure in a relationship