You’ve had a sneaking suspicion that your relationship is in serious trouble. You can feel it in the pit of your stomach, but at the same time, this is the person you love and have built a relationship with. So could it really be over? Or is there something you can do to save the relationship?
I work with so many people every single day who come to me and ask, “Is my relationship over or is there something or can I still fix it?” If you’re reading this article today, chances are that you’re experiencing the same thoughts.
I have good news! You’ve come to the right place because I am going to go over how to find the concrete answers you’re looking for.
By the time you get to the end of this article, you’re going to have a much better idea of whether or not this relationship has run its course or if it can still be saved!
I know that this period is extremely painful, so I want to offer you as much clarity as possible. So let’s dive right in!
When I begin working with someone in this situation, there is often an element of panic at play. There is the fear that their relationship might actually be over, but then there is also a fear of winding up alone, heartbroken.
Which makes perfect sense of course, because heartbreak is one of the hardest things a human being can go through. It makes sense that anyone in their right mind would want to steer clear of it.
The thing to keep in mind is that sometimes ending a relationship that is not going to work out is the only way to protect yourself from more heartache in the future.
That said, not all relationships that are experiencing a rocky period are doomed. Sometimes it just requires some time and problem solving, and this period can actually turn into something that greatly serves your relationship.
A lot of the people who I work with that first came to me asking, “Is my relationship over” wind up telling me that the challenging period they had to go through actually ended up helping them a great deal.
As difficult as it was while they were going through it, it actually served as a catalyst for very important changes in the relationship that would end up setting it on a new path. It made the two of them realize how much they care about each other and how much they’re willing to fight for this relationship.
So the best way to approach the situation is to make sure that you have your eyes open and that you aren’t turning to a blind eye to any important detail. It’s all too easy to pretend that everything is fine or ignore underlying problems in the hopes that things will just get fixed on their own.
After all these years as a love and relationship coach, I can tell you right now that that’s not how it works. If you’re reading this wondering, “How do I know if my relationship is over,” it means that something isn’t right and changes need to be made for there to be a positive shift.
So let’s take a look at how to know if your relationship is actually over, or if your relationship is just experiencing a rough patch.
In many relationships, there comes a time to let go and when that time has come, you will know it deep down. When you have done literally everything you can do and things are still a mess, it’ll be time to detach. That said, for many people, they haven’t gotten to that point yet and are still feeling like they’re in a very confusing fog.
Things are tense, but they are having trouble reading the situation. One of my clients, Robert, experienced something like this. He had come to me saying, “I think my relationship is over but I’m not 100% sure. Can you help me?”
He had been married to his wife for over twenty years, but he explained that they had stopped being friends a long time ago. They were both coasting through their individual lives, focusing on their jobs, their kids, and their hobbies. They didn’t really make any time for each other and deep down, both of them felt neglected.
They weren’t necessarily fighting or bickering all the time, but there was this general sense of disconnect. The disconnect was actually most obvious whenever they went on vacations because that is where they’d get into the most arguments.
More often than not, it was about the most trivial things. As Robert and I began working together, he came to the realization that he and his wife would fight whenever they were forced to spend an extended period of time alone together, and that they were living parallel lives under the same roof.
They no longer could relate to each other, they had no empathy, and they had neglected their friendship.
So this was an interesting case because we were able to start working on rebuilding the bond between them through improved communication, quality time spent doing activities together that they both enjoyed, developing tools to have productive conversations about elements of the relationship that need work and establishing long term solutions and with time, Robert’s relationship with his wife started to become gratifying again.
In his case, it was a question of taking action instead of sitting back and allowing things to fall apart as they stood by and watched.
That is why I stress the importance of really asking yourself if you’ve done everything in your power to save this relationship… and this brings us to the first sign to keep an eye out for if you want to know if your love is over.
A lot of people that I work with tell me that they’ve tried everything on the face of the planet to make this relationship work and they just don’t think there’s anything left to try. In some cases there is, but in others it’s true that there isn’t.
When you’ve gotten to a point where you know in your heart of hearts that you’ve done your absolute best to identify what needs to change and you’ve worked on trying to implement the necessary changes, you’ve given your partner space, you’ve taken care of your own life in a way that brings balance to your relationship, and you’ve honestly tried everything you can and your relationship still feels like it’s not improving, then your relationship might in fact be over.
Another common theme that I see in my coaching sessions is that one person is bending over backwards to try to make this relationship work, while the other one seems to have already thrown in the towel.
I won’t sugarcoat it, if your partner has already given up, it can be very hard to bounce back and in many cases, It’s over. I know it comes as no news to you that a relationship is a two way street, and it’s up to both partners to maintain and protect it. If only one person is trying, well, things aren’t looking great for the relationship’s odds of survival.
If you’ve been wondering, “Is my relationship over,” another thing to keep an eye out for is how often you two operate as a team vs how often you’re pointing fingers.
If every argument turns into a blame game, or if you’re constantly bringing up each other’s shortcomings, you’re causing serious damage to the relationship. You can’t operate as a team if you’re always undermining each other. This reminds me of my client Irene in the UK.
She is a successful business owner with three children, who contacted me to help her save her marriage. She really had the best intentions in the world and wanted to do whatever she could to protect her marriage from ending in divorce. When she began sharing her story, I quickly came to understand that she was in an emotionally abusive marriage and had been for the last twenty years.
Her husband was manipulative and was a narcissist, and as we worked together, I provided her with clarity and guidance. In some cases, like Irene’s, separation is the best way to regain a sense of inner peace and happiness.
With honest and unbiased advice, she was able to grant herself access to a new beginning that helped her alleviate the sense of guilt she felt. She later wrote to us saying that she was truly grateful as the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders.
If you’re feeling like it’s time for you to turn the page and move on from this relationship, you can reach out to us for one one one guidance, but we’ve also created a product specifically designed to help you move on with peace of mind and dignity. To access it, all you have to do is click here.
You might be doing everything you can to save this relationship, but like I was saying, it’s also going to be very important to pay attention to how your significant other approaches the situation. If you’re trying and trying, but your partner is being selfish at all times, it’s not going to work.
So keep an eye out for whether or not your partner is constantly choosing justice over forgiveness, and whether or not they’re always trying to make you pay for wrongdoing. If one partner systematically refuses to seek understanding of the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and desires, it could be time to end a relationship.
Another thing to ask yourself when you’re wondering if your relationship is really over is how you and your partner are feeling about fighting for each other.
If it feels like one or both of you has become emotionally detached, if you’ve lost hope, and if you only have negative memories of the relationship, your relationship might be over. If you or your partner are no longer afraid of losing each other, it’s going to be hard to find the motivation to fix the situation and save your relationship.
Make sure that you pay close attention to what both of you are willing to do to save this relationship because that can answer your question of whether this relationship is really over.
As scary as it might seem, being completely honest with yourself about the state of things is crucial right now. Like I said at the very beginning of this article, it’s all to easy to turn a blind eye to the problems at hand and try to convince yourself that nothing’s wrong… but that’s not going to provide you with any real solutions.
At this point, you have to do some introspection in terms of how motivated you are to save this relationship, and you need to analyze the relationship and your partner’s behavior. If you want to know if your relationship is over, keep a look out for these elements:
• You feel you’ve tried everything and there’s nothing more that you can do
• Your partner shows no interest in saving this relationship and is not afraid of losing you
• You are not afraid of losing your partner
• One or both of you are constantly playing the blame game and are not taking responsibility for your actions
• Seeking justice is more important than working at a team
Sometimes we forget that a relationship is not a project to be completed or a problem to be solved, and the dynamic between two people begins to shift. This is when things start to feel more tense and other problems begin to arise. If nothing is done to diffuse the problems, they can amplify and turn into issues that really threaten a relationship.
More often than not, there are solutions available to help you save your relationship and I invite you to reach out to us if you know that the relationship still warrants the effort! Join the Happily Committed Project and let us help you transform your relationship in a meaningful and dignified way. By asking you targeted questions, we can help repair your relationship or even help give you a concrete answer to “Is my relationship ending?”
We are here to help you every step of the way, so please don’t hesitate to reach out.
I sincerely wish you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you’re wondering “Is my relationship over”
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4 Responses
Hi I hope you can help. I’m around 2 years past my wife cheating on me with a work client in our home whilst I was away on a family holiday. The road has been very difficult. But the hardest part I believe that has damaged me more was the couple recovery, we have both seen individual councillors and I am in a much better place within myself since it was first disclosed. What I struggle with now is deep resent caused by my wife’s niavity and selfishness. It started off being about my wife, how someone else used her. Then how I wouldn’t get over it ( mentioned within the first couple of weeks), apparently it wasn’t an affair or she hasn’t broken her vows. Their has been constant justification throughout. It’s as if she’s minimising hat happened. We are still in the same house and still struggle at times to be in here Without feeling resentment. My question is I don’t know what to do, the positive and happy periods are getting longer but their are times where I slip up and feel resentment due to how I feel and my believes. I feel if I’m that “one” guy why should except any less than what she gave me before or she gave him. I mean she was willing to break her vows and invite him in our home, what beats that. I’m just not sure, because she doesn’t want to renew the vows but still expects me to celebrate our anniversary / or talk about new rings because she wants bigger ones. I’m just not sure if she came back because she wanted to or he rejected her, she has mention in one of our last sessions that for a time after the first incident she wanted to try “again” with him because she believed her marriage with me was over because of what she did and also the first time with him was apparently “terrible”. I would just like some genuine advice from someone’s who actually has the knowledge to help another human being. Can you help?
Hi,
I think it’s important to note that your emotions are valid and natural. You experienced a traumatic event and the recovery period will be long. That said, it is excellent that you’ve both taken the steps to individually see counselors. One of the worst things you could do would be to sweep this under the rug and pretend that it never happened. It does however seem that there is a disconnect between you and your bond could use some strengthening. It is important to discuss it and that you find ways to release the tensions that arise within you. One solution would be to focus on establishing better communication with your wife. She is becoming defensive by minimizing what happened, and by doing so, she is inadvertently refusing to validate your pain that is a result of her actions. It’s a defense mechanism, but this creates resentment in you, and there are ways for you to work together to move forward. First, you have to ensure that the relationship has an environment in which both of you feel heard and safe to express yourselves. To help you improve the communication between you, I encourage you to read this article.
https://happilycommitted.com/communication-in-relationships/
Another solution would be to incorporate new things into your relationship. It sounds like you’re experiencing triggers that bring up negative memories, so it would be ideal to make new memories together. You don’t have to move houses, but switch up the layout of the furniture or update the aesthetic. Get new sheets, make things feel refreshed. Dedicate time to romance between you and plan a weekend holiday. Give yourselves activities to look forward to, plan a weekend getaway, or plan date nights where you go to new places and experience new things.
I wish you much success in your relationship!
Hi Nat,
I am reaching out because I have been with my spouse 18 yrs and feel like it is not going to last. I have recently started taking care of myself , losing weight,walking with new friends and want to try new things and places. But my spouse is very obese and she can not go and do. So we are feeling the distance. She had lost weight before but gained it back , afraid she will lose now so we can go and do together and will gain it back, then we are back like before and I can’t take care of her, life is short and she has to do it for herself and a life change. With all that said I am torn with what to go.
That is not to mention that I am falling for one of my new friends.
Please help clear the clouds
Hi Connie, the only person that will be able to make the choice as to whether to stay in this relationship or leave is you, but we can help you to analyze your situation and find clarity. I suggest starting with this article that is designed to help you decide which relationship you want to pursue, and then please don’t hesitate to reach out for coaching so that we can dive deeper!