Your gut has been telling you that things haven’t been right between you and your spouse for quite some time now. You used to be so close, you two shared everything under the sun, it felt like you were perfectly synced, and you were so happy together.
These days, however, it feels like there is a huge disconnect between you and It’s been really hard to find the bond that used to exist between you… So what’s going on here? Is this the beginning of the end? Has the end already come? Or is this just a bump in the road?
As a love and relationship coach, many people come to me for help with restoring a broken relationship but sometimes a person just wants to know if their relationship has fallen apart beyond repair.
I spoke to a woman just this morning who has found herself in this situation, and it made me want to write this article for you today. There are a variety of different indicators that can serve as signs your marriage over, but you’ve got to be able to spot them.
If you want to know whether or not it is time to let go of this relationship, you have come to the right place. My goal is to provide you with tools and answers to your burning questions, especially in such a tumultuous period.
Choosing to end a marriage is a very big decision, so it is very important to do the research that will help you to make a well-informed decision. The good news is that you are already on the right path because you have made the effort to seek out information that will help you!
So many people struggle with the decision of whether to stay or leave a relationship, and it can be very difficult to feel confident in your decision. That is why it is so important to take your time and really analyze the situation, your options, and what you truly want.
Many times, I see that people are hesitant about leaving the relationship even when they know that they should. Why? Well, some people are terrified of making the wrong choice and winding up with crippling regret… but other people choose to stay in an unhappy relationship out of fear of how it might affect other people.
For example, I remember working with David who had been with his fiancée for 12 years. The beginning of their relationship was beautiful and fulfilling for both of them but with time, things started to fall apart. To paraphrase for you, this ended in a separation.
They were apart for about nine months, and during this time David explored other relationships and worked on getting to know himself better.
Then he realized how much his ex was suffering as a result of his decision to leave. She became depressed and allowed her life to fall apart, and at the end of this nine month period David decided to take her back. When I asked him to tell me about his decision to do so, I remember him saying, “I just couldn’t stand to see her hurting.”
As you can see, his reason for getting back in the relationship and staying with this person was because he was worried about what her life would be like he were to leave for good. This is a very common situation. Many people also choose to stay out of fear of disappointing their family, or because they don’t want to hurt the people they care about.
Another very common reason why people choose to stay despite seeing very clear signs of marriage is over is the fear of being alone. The thought of being on their own terrifies them, and they choose to remain in an unhappy relationship over being single.
At the end of the day, when you have a big decision like this to make, the absolute best thing you can do is to make sure that you take your time and really analyze the situation.
As you know, types of decisions should never be rushed, so the more information you have and the more time you take to reflect, the better. So let’s take a look at some of the biggest signs your marriage is over.
After all of these years that I’ve spent working with individuals and couples alike, I have been able to identify patterns in failing marriages. As I said above, the key to making informed decisions is to do as much research as possible.
When the decision feels so hard to make that it seems that you are paralyzed and don’t know how to move forward, it is often because you don’t have enough information. However, as time goes on and you are proactive about analyzing the situation, the choice becomes much clearer.
So here are some signs of a failing marriage to help you get a clear idea of what is going on right now.
When people ask me about how to know when your marriage is over, I bring their attention to the dynamic between them and their husband or wife. Do they operate as a team, or is there a sense of disconnect in which the desire for justice seems to take precedence.
A sign of a failing marriage is when one person consistently chooses justice or revenge over forgiveness. When their partner makes a mistake, they feel the need to make him or her back down or pay for whatever it is that they did wrong.
One thing that we often forget in relationships is that each and every single one of us is human. This means that no one is perfect… and to err it is to be human. Sure, being faced with your partner’s mistakes can be frustrating at times, but when you are in a committed relationship it’s all about operating as a team. If you are feeling vengeful toward your partner (or vice versa), and if forgiveness doesn’t seem to have a seat at the table, then you are looking at one of the signs your marriage is over.
A married couple should be working to overcome obstacles and challenges in their relationship by pinpointing the source and working together to find a long-term solution. When a person is constantly seeking justice, it can quickly undermine the bond between two people and make them feel further apart. What’s more, the more this happens, the more tension and resentment will squeeze their way between you and your husband or wife.
One of the biggest signs a marriage is failing or over is when there is a perpetual sense of isolation. One or both of you feel very alone and the complicity and closeness that used to exist between you seem to have dissipated. It’s very hard to maintain a relationship and overcome the challenges that we all inevitably face if we do not feel connected to our partners.
When tensions have undermined the bond between you, you can quickly end up feeling disconnected and alone.
The more alone a person feels in the relationship, the less inclined they will be to want to rectify the problems the relationship is facing. Unfortunately, the feeling of isolation makes it very easy for someone to want to pull the plug on the relationship instead of work together to fix it.
If you feel like your relationship has been battered by waves of challenges in an ocean of conflict for quite some time now, it would not be shocking if you started to see the relationship in a different way.
When a person or a couple is faced with challenge after challenge, it becomes dangerously easy to forget that a marriage is a relationship… not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.
Challenges are inevitable in any relationship, especially when the honeymoon phase passes. A lot of people make the mistake of confusing the end of the honeymoon phase with the end of the relationship… the truth is that relationships involve and mature, and there is usually a catalyst that pushes the relationship into a more mature state.
It’s perfectly normal for a relationship to begin to change after time, and it doesn’t always mean that the marriage is over. That said, if you see the marriage as nothing but a burden or a problem that needs solving, it can mean that things are falling apart.
When people ask me, “When is a marriage over,” another thing I highlight is the way the two people in the relationship choose to try to understand each other. As I was saying above, challenges and disagreements are inevitable in any serious relationship, but if one partner consistently refuses to try to understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings and desires, then there is a problem.
When you choose to be with someone, you’re choosing to do what is necessary to maintain your bond. This entails seeking understanding when it is not present…
Because disagreements are inevitable, the way a person chooses to approach the situation is very telling about whether or not the relationship is on the brink of divorce. Without understanding, there is no closeness.
Studies have shown that people are more likely to take advice from or listen to people that they feel understand them. In simple terms, a person will not listen to someone who does not understand them. When we apply this concept to a relationship, it’s easy to see why understanding someone is so important. If your partner does not feel understood by you, then they will not perceive you as credible and will discredit your opinion. This creates a downward spiral that results in even more distance between you.
So if you are wondering about when a marriage is over, pay attention to how well you understand each other, and how much you care to understand each other.
Once again, one of the pillars of successful and healthy relationships is the bond between you. When people feel like a team, they have a much easier time overcoming obstacles. Now, when every single argument turns into a blame game and both partners are pointing fingers, the marriage becomes very threatened.
Similarly, when past transgressions or shortcomings are constantly brought up (especially in the heat of an argument), this will damage the bond between you even further.
A couple who has a healthy relationship will seek to build each other up, work past flaws, and navigate through disagreements together. In a failing marriage, one or both partners no longer see any good or praiseworthy character traits in the other person. Seeing your husband or wife in a negative light only makes it easier to point out more character flaws or mistakes in behavior.
Move on from a relationship: When it’s time and how to do it!
Following in line with my previous point about the blame game, another indicator that a marriage is over is when either the husband or the wife refuses to take responsibility for their actions and their mistakes. Instead of accepting that they did something wrong and making a conscious effort to implement long-term solutions, the person will find ways to make it everybody else’s fault (and more specifically, their spouse’s fault).
I worked with a couple a few weeks ago who live in Santa Barbara, California. They have been married for about seven years and they were teetering on the brink of divorce when it came to light that the husband, Clark, had had an affair. I was working with both of them because they wanted to repair their marriage and I remember Clark saying to his wife, Alicia, “Well I never would have done it if you’d stop telling me to lose weight because I looked better before! I don’t know why you have to make me feel so unattractive all the time.”
Though she may have lacked a bit of tact in her approach, he was trying to deflect blame and not take responsibility for the mistake he had made. When a person is unable to take responsibility, apologize, and make the effort to change, they will lose credibility in their partner’s eyes, their partner will not feel respected, and the divide between them will continue to grow.
Humility and willingness to change are crucial elements of a happy and stable relationship. These are some of the key elements required to overcome challenges and repair damage in a marriage.
Another one of the most common signs a marriage is over is when you or your significant other only has negative memories associated with the marriage. It’s true that as human beings we tend to fixate on negative memories and for some reason, they often stand out in our minds in clearer focus than our positive memories do… but when it seems like there are no positive memories at all, the threat of separation is very close.
People often hold on to positive memories because they serve has an example of what the future could be like. These memories make it easier to remember the relationship’s potential, and can serve as motivation to fight through a challenging period. Of course, when it feels like there are no positive memories to hold on to, it becomes very easy to lose that sense of motivation and hope for the future. A person can easily think, “Why am I even fighting for this?”
In order to have a fulfilling relationship that withstands the test of time, both people in the marriage have to look at each other and feel a sense of inspiration, satisfaction and joy. If there aren’t any positive emotions being associated with the marriage, the marriage is on fragile ground.
One of the most destructive things that can creep into a relationship over time is the feeling of resentment. As I said above, every single one of us makes mistakes and we are all human. That said, if forgiveness is no longer present and one or both partners has been keeping mental lists of all of their spouse’s mistakes or wrongdoings, the divide between the two of them is going to continue to grow.
When one of you is so resentful that hurting or schooling the other becomes more important than their common project and what do you’ve built as a team, then you are looking at one of the biggest signs your marriage is failing.
Holding on to grudges and keeping a mental checklist of everything that your partner has done wrong is not going to improve your bond. It’s easy to become resentful when problems remain unsolved or mistakes become repetitive… Communication and working together as a team to find long-term solutions together can be a solution, but the desire to do so must be present.
One of the easiest ways to protect against resentment is to make sure that the friendship is preserved between you. When the friendship between two spouses remains intact, they have a greater facility to overcome external challenges as well as disagreements and arguments that happen between them.
When that friendship is allowed to be eroded away, then the sense of protection that the relationship had goes with it. It makes it easy for the two people to feel like they are no longer on the same side. When you feel unsupported by your significant other, it becomes dangerously easy to turn against them.
When this happens, a person could actually end up falling in love with their hate for their significant other. The love they have for their spouse is replaced by a deep sense of hatred and resentment that can give rise to unprecedented tensions in the relationship. Of course, if there is hatred and resentment that outweighs any feeling of love or compassion for your partner, it is a sign that your marriage is failing.
This reminds me of Robert’s story. I worked with him about six months ago or so. He was in his mid 40s and had been married to his wife for almost 20 years. Throughout the course of their relationship, the friendship that used to be so strong between them withered away and had not been present for a very long time. Instead of living life as a married couple, they were just living parallel lives under the same roof. The bond between them was nowhere to be found and they were just coasting through life, focusing on their jobs and careers, on their kids, on their friends, on their hobbies… They were focusing on pretty much everything except each other. Unfortunately, Robert and his wife had completely neglected each other and their relationship.
The disconnect between them was especially apparent every time they went on vacation together… they would find themselves arguing and bickering over the most trivial things. During our coaching session, Robert realized that he and his wife would fight every time they were forced to spend an extended period of time together. They had built and were living separate lives, despite the fact that they lived in the same house and slept in the same bed every night. The result was that they could no longer relate to each other, and their lack of empathy for each other where clear signs that their marriage was already over.
So when you’re wondering how to tell when your marriage is in trouble, you’ve got to look at the friendship between you.
As we continue to look at the signs your marriage is over, I want to bring your attention to a few more elements in terms of the dynamic between two spouses. Healthy, loving relationships are rooted in balance and exchange. In failing relationships, I often see that one or both partners will try to fulfill their own needs at the other person’s expense. They will continuously put themselves before the relationship and before their spouse, and in doing so, they undermine the foundation of the marriage.
One person’s selfishness can make the other feel unsupported and unimportant. As I said, in a healthy relationship there will be the give-and-take, not a “me first” attitude. If one partner is willing to step all over the other in order to get what they want, the relationship will crumble.
A little bit of space and room to breathe in a relationship is always healthy, but when long periods of space don’t do anything to bring you closer together, there is a problem. For example, let’s say that your spouse goes away on long business trips and the sense of relief you feel when he or she is not around is palpable. When they return, tensions seem to be higher than ever, you don’t feel like you missed each other, and it feels like both of you are frustrated to be back in the same place as the other. If this is happening, then you’re looking at one of the signs of a broken marriage. Time apart should actually serve as a way to bring you closer together by allowing you to miss each other and have things that you want to share when you reunite. Pay attention to how it feels when you reunite after an extended period of time. Things should not feel the same or even worse than before.
If this is not the case, you’ll notice that your significant other is no longer afraid of losing you when you pull away for a long period of time.
Another sign a marriage is ending is when neither person in the relationship is able to control their temper around each other. If you two keep ending up in explosive fights on a regular basis, especially if it’s over trivial things, it might be a sign that your relationship is beyond repair.
Incessant fighting creates a hostile environment which makes it very hard to find solutions and be loving towards one another. In addition to this, constant fighting comes from an inability to relate or empathize with your partner, and this can make you drift even further apart.
The more a person feels attacked, the more their defenses will go up and can find yourself in a negative spiral. Little things can get blown out of proportion because someone is already feeling defensive, which of course leads to even more fights. A simple thing like asking if the dishes are clean could be interpreted as critique of how much person helps around the house and it can spiral into a full blown argument… all because the person’s finger was already on the trigger.
As I briefly mentioned above, a marriage is ending when a person thinks about the future and continuing to live their life with this person, and feels depressed. When you feel trapped, uninspired, or even oppressed by this marriage, it means that there is a serious problem.
A marriage with someone is supposed to excite you and make you feel happy when you think about the future with them. People in failing marriages will often feel like they’re condemned to spend the rest of their life with this person. Keep in mind that it’s normal to feel frustrated sometimes in marriages because of the inevitable challenges, but if this feels like a permanent emotion, it means that something has to change.
Another sign your marriage is ending is when you fantasize about being free of your partner or even living your life with somebody else. If you feel more excited or more at peace at the prospect of being free of your partner for the rest of your life than remaining in this marriage, then it could be time for a divorce.
One of the clearest indicators that a marriage is over is when you just don’t want to try anymore. If you feel like you’ve already done everything you could possibly do, you’ve tried everything you could possibly try, and you just don’t have it in you to keep fighting for this relationship, it means that it’s probably time to let go.
The thought of trying to remain with this person exhausts you and makes you feel heavy and burdened. You can’t seem to find a reason to continue to try to make it work, you feel taken for granted, and you don’t feel like it’s worth it anymore.
Many people feel like this after they’ve made a valiant effort to try and save a relationship and feel like no matter what they do, it’s never enough. When you feel disheartened and discouraged, and no longer feel a sense of hope for the future despite everything you’ve tried, you might find yourself thinking, “My marriage is over and I think I’ve come to terms with the idea of letting it go.”
It is very important to listen to your gut feeling and to take the time to determine what is the best course of action would be for you. That said, if you don’t want it, then divorce is not the only option…
As this article begins to near its end, I just want to summarize all of these points for you so that you can really take in this information. I want to give you all the tools that will help you diagnose the state of your marriage.
So if you’ve been wondering how to tell when your marriage is over, pay attention to whether one or both of you are always trying to level the playing board or seek revenge on each other.
Do you feel like you are in a permanent state of isolation in this relationship? Does it feel like your marriage is just a project that needs to be completed or a problem that needs to be solved?
A marriage is in a crisis when one partner consistently refuses to try and understand the other person’s thoughts, feelings and desires. Every argument turns into a blame game and past mistakes are constantly being brought up. One or both partners stop seeing any good at praiseworthy character traits in the other person, and they stop taking responsibility for the dysfunction of the relationship.
A marriage is in trouble when it seems like the negative memories have covered up all of the positive ones, and resentment seems to have taken precedent.
A relationship can be on the brink of divorce when the friendship between you and your partner has completely disappeared, when a partner consistently seeks to fulfill their own needs of the other’s expense, and when long periods of time apart don’t bring you closer together. Neither of you can control your tempers around each other and the idea of a future with this person makes you feel depressed.
At the end of the day, the biggest indicator that your marriage is over is when neither if you want to try to save it anymore.
The thing I want to stress is that when a relationship or a marriage is truly over, you will know when the time has come. If you can honestly say that you have done everything in your power to make it work and there just seems to be no signs of improvement, it is time to detach and face your feelings. It is possible to face your fears about losing control while getting in control of yourself and your responsibilities.
If you can free others to be who they are, then you will set yourself free as well.
Though you may have recognize many of the signs that your marriage is failing, I do want to remind you that in many cases, it is possible to change the situation. Anything is possible in love, if you’re willing to put forth the effort.
When a relationship is in a crisis, it is important to remember that when we are dealing with human beings, who throughout time have made it clear that they are creatures of logic. We are creatures of emotion who are often blinded by prejudices, egos, pride and vanity. There is emotional baggage to take into consideration from your current relationship, but also past relationships.
This is why it’s so important to control your temper. It is all too easy to let your emotions run wild, especially when things have been tense for quite some time.
Keep in mind that people tend criticize their spouses most loudly in the areas in which they have the deepest emotional needs. Generally speaking, men and women have different emotional needs in the relationship and it’s easy to neglect these things (especially if you are unaware of them). For example, to not be needed is a slow death for man, and a marriage can be doomed the moment a husband feels that he is no longer needed by his spouse. If a woman is afraid of not being emotionally supported, she can unknowingly push away the support that she needs from her spouse. We are all governed by our emotions to a certain extent, but we can all learn how to keep our emotions from taking control and we can adapt our behavior and reactions in order for our relationships to reach their full potential.
If your goal is to repair your relationship and restore it to its former glory, or if you want to learn how to bounce back after letting this marriage go, all you have to do is get in touch with us.
If you have decided to turn the page and move on from this marriage, I encourage you to download our product that has been specifically designed to help you move on from a marriage with grace and dignity. To access it, all you have to do is click here.
Join The Happily Committed Project and transform your relationship before it’s too late or let us help you heal and move forward with your life in a dignified and meaningful way. Together we can work on reaching your goal by providing you with a clear-cut action plan that has been tailor-made to fit your relationship, your situation, and your specific needs. As a team of dedicated love and relationship experts, we are here to guide you from a to Z and answer all of your questions.
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
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153 Responses
This article was very helpful. Thank you for helping me realize my marriage is over.
How to save my marriage…I am gradually dieing inside…..
what you described here…’The BIGGEST signs your marriage is over!” are all written over my marriage.
I feel so helpless ….Can my marriage truly be saved with all the negative energy inside…
Concerned husband
Hi Stan,
A marriage can be saved when you’re both willing to put in the work to do so. It can be very challenging, but it can also be a blessing in disguise that transforms your marriage into something better than ever before. Please don’t hesitate to contact us for coaching if you would like a tailor-made action plan.
I have been fighting so hard to keep my marriage together. Seems like the harder I try the more I get discouraged by his actions and attitude toward me. He says or should I say text me that he is sorry and loves me and will do whatever it takes to fix us but when we are in person he acts as if nothing has happened. I have stuck by him thru alcohol addiction and so many other things that I never thought I would put up with. I love him and he has given me 3 beautiful children but his has mouth has no filter when anger takes over. His words cut straight thru my heart. I can tell him how I feel but he just seems as if he doesnt care to understand or says that he does but no actions to show it. I feel so lost. At the moment I dont even want to hear his voice because all I hear right now is the words in my head that hurt me so much. This is a 17 year relationship that has been thru a lot. I have left the past in the past but it seems as if he just wants to stay in it
My husband and I have been married for little over three months. It was an arranged marriage that we jumped into too soon. Before getting married we spoke about ourselves and how we like to live our life. But once we got married things changed. Basically from his end. When he decided to put a stop to everything I do. My freedom was taken away my individuality was taken away. We argue and fight every other week. It becomes a big argument. I’ve tried fighting for it. But he doesnt want to. We both love each other that’s evident but then we’re both losing ourselves staying in this. Right now I’m pregnant. 7 weeks. We were excited for the kid but not anymore. We dont know what to do.
I’m afraid to make a decision but this article helped me to realize that my marriage is over
Thank you, this article was very helpful. My marriage ia over
Same.
Same!
Thank you TJ for the article. Most of the signs here sound familiar to me. The most pronounced one is I feel more alone than ever before.. The loneliness I feel in my marriage is too deep to be understood. It’s difficult to change things but with your advise, it may help.
Hi Emely,
We’re so happy that this article helped you. Wishing you lots of happiness in this new chapter!
I’ve been married for 23 years, I often wonder if my marriage is over, i might not be Street smart and my husband quickly reminds me how stupid I sound, and how supposedly his family is always confused when I talk, i have started to not ask questions, answer only in a yes or no format , we have a 18 year age difference what i think is fun obviously is juvenile to him, i love to eat and I have to admit ive gaind a few pounds and he makes me aware of it .
This article really spells it out! I’m married to the man of my dreams for 19 years but to him I’m a burden he must bear for our children because “ they will blame him if we divorce and hate him” and because of pity “ it is easier for me if he stays”. He is angry all the time, if it appears he is not angry then let me say the wrong thing and he is enraged immediately, his finger is always on the trigger. I’m not who he married anymore. I’m fat. I’m older. I’m dependent. I work but it’s mostly for insurance, it’s he that makes the most money and this is in control. I live in his house he regularly reminds me. I drive vehicles registered only in his name. I must ask for money in exact amounts needed. I don’t even respect myself anymore! I love him still, I just wish he didn’t exude hatred and resentment for me every chance he gets. We did marriage counseling for 3 weeks. He thinks that means we tried that and it didn’t help. It’s just that he wants out. It’s over for him in his heart. He only stays for obligation and I stay because I keep hoping.
Hi Allison, thank you for your comment. It is very important to ensure that you are happy and fulfilled in your relationship. I also encourage you to reach out to us for one on one coaching, so that you can invite a sense of happiness and genuine wellbeing back into your life.
Allison,
You sound like me.
Please leave right now! No one should stay with someone like you have described. You deserve so much more!
Allison leave that is no way to live ,you sound like me but the difference is that I assume you are a usa citizen and I’m not so you have all the chances to work ,study ,and be independent in a way that you can be really successful, and I’m not and that’s way I don’t walk away but I’m really miserable but you don’t have to be
My husband makes me feel the same way since he is the financial provider for our 3 children. I started looking for a job and was accused of trying to leave him when I was just thinking maybe it would make him happier. I have suggested counseling but he doesnt seem willing. Says he dont have time for it. What scares me most is that my children have never seen a healthy relationship and even they are tired of hearing him talk down to me. I love him but I dont like him anymore. He thinks I do nothing while he is at work and I should jump at every command. I want to save us but I cant do it by myself. You are not alone.
I see the signs all over my marriage but I don’t want to end it I want to bring back the light how can I tell if he is willing to bring back the light
Hi Stephanie, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us for coaching so that we an ask you targetted questions and define the ideal action plan for you. To work with us, just click here.
I feel helpless just like you – it’s a very empty feeling inside when you are losing the one you love
Is it possible if only one wants the marriage, it can still be saved…..wife is in an emotional relationship with another man. He is talking a good game saying he wants a future with her. We still talk and are nice to each other. Friendship is definitely still there.
Hi Kenny, I recommend reading this article. I think it will be helpful for you.
Thank you also my marriage is done
I’m not sure if my marriage is over even after reading about it all. I’ve been pushed away emotionally and have never received emotional support from him especially in my darkest times… however, he is my best friend and such a good person that I don’t want to let go.
I’m in the same situation. Have you ever looked into abandonment issues? I’m reading Love me, Don’t leave me. I highly recommend it.
I feel like my wife is mad and angry all the time. Now that she makes more money than me, she want to wear the pants. I’m actually just a second or third thought in her mind. She’s always telling me what other dudes do. Feeling overwhelmed by all this. The crazy thing is we went to counseling. I have cheated, I clean up, do laundry, cook. I don’t demand or asking much from her,because I know I’m not going to get anything in return.
Hi Lawrence, I am sorry to hear that you’re experiencing such a difficult situation. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us for help if you would like one on one coaching.
I haven’t cheated.
Hi, how do we get coaching?
Thanks are you interested in purchasing a session for 1:1?
Thanks
WMEA Customer Support
You are the perfect husband, she don’t know what she have
Not that I have ever cheated, I haven’t… So no matter what the woman says, she is not even a tiny bit to blame for sending a horny young man out to have an affair? Like: You are fat and ugly and you are never getting any of THIS again. Switch the sex of your two protagonists and see if you are willing to say that it’s all the woman’s fault.
Then you leave. Then you tell them that their verbal abuse will no longer be taken and end the relationship. If you want to be with someone else why are you sitting here attempting to justify a future infidelity? Even if you don’t have the money to leave right away you can still make it clear that you no longer want to be in an emotional relationship with them and when you have the funds you will go stand on your own feet. No one makes anyone cheat, it’s a choice. You can choose honesty instead, no matter how messy it is because cheating will be equally as messy and hurtful.
Hi! I loved this article it really helped me to realize things in my relationship. We’ve been together for 20 years and married for 15. He has gotten very lazy in our relationship He will not do anything around the house, and I have a major problem with him hating my family and my family hating him and that makes that very difficult. They hate him because he basically just doesn’t care what anyone thinks about him or how they get upset because he doesn’t help in the house or he doesn’t help me do things. He makes smartelic comments to me, we don’t really talk about our feelings because he is a very hard person to talk to so I can’t tell him how I feel. I have a hard time doing that. it makes me very depressed being in this relationship and we have two boys that are 13 and 15 in my major concern is how it would affect them if I made this decision.
I need advice, guidance and help
Hi Angy, please contact us here for one on one coaching. We are here to help!
Thanks. This article definitely made me realize that my marriage is over amd it’s time to move on.
Thank you for such a thorough, direct article. I have read many. This is the one that made it clear and describes exactly what I feel.
I cried reading this as every sign applies and what’s worse I’ve known it for years but am still too afraid to let go – too afraid of the repercussions. Another 4 years and my youngest will be nearly 15 and then I can move on
I don’t want my marriage to be over, but he has all the signs it is…
How do I move forward?
So very sad….
Have decided to end my 43yrs marriage because my husband is a cheater. He is 65tyrs old and I recently came across a message from his mistress and she is addressing him as Sweatheart and that has stayed with me. I have never seen it so direct before. I Have decided to let him go even though he doesn’t want a divorce. He has disrespected me too many times. Enough is enough I don’t deserve this treatment from anyone. It is time to end it once and for all.
Wòw this article has made alot of sence
Thanks for the article. Your article really pointed out my marital problems and gave me an understanding. Now, it’s decision time. I am tired of arguing, already pulled away. Material things, especially, when you don’t ask for them, thrown up in your face later, never replace love emotion or affection. I’m not ungrateful, it’s what I need.
This sounds so much like what I’m dealing with! Things were never like this before. It was always “ours” but them he got a great job that turned into a career where they adore him, have promoted Jim 3 year in less than 2 years. He started acting strange, like some nig shot, drinking scotch, smoking cigars. I have no access to the bank account, atm card, if I need something he micro manages everything. He grills me over what was spent despite me telling him exactly what I bought. His work underpaid him by almost 80 dollars 3 checks ago. After a huge blow up where he reduced me to tears and feeling 2 inches tall the other day, I had an idea. I said you keep telling me this is only about you worrying over money & not a way to control or demean me, I know how we can find out if that’s true. Clearly, if you mean well and are just concerned about lacking money then you contacted HR about the 80 they owe you before berating your wife over 9 dollars. If you still haven’t bothered to do that, then I think we have our answer, or at least I have mine. He still hasn’t told HR.
I told him there are no good times anymore, let alone enough to make any of this worth it! When he starts in on me I just call him Daddy. That’s exactly how he acts these days, and it came from nowhere! I’d totally blame the job but it actually started 7 months prior to him getting it.
My parents never had money when I was growing up. My 13th birthday the only thing they could afford was a magazine with a musician I loved on the cover. When my step-father father died and left his fortune to his kids, then my stepdad passed a year after that, suddenly my mom had several million in stocks. Yeah, I spent money haphazardly. She let me, and I felt like it sort of made up for some things I missed out on as a kid. It’s not like my his name didn’t benefit quite a bit too! However he judges how I was with the money my mom let me spend, as being how I would spend his. I’ve told him so many times, he use to think I was intelligent, I know the difference between inherently wealthy and a moderate income someone is working their ass off for, and there is a big difference between the 2 in my opinion. Plus he doesn’t owe me anything, (even though it’s supposedly half mine anyways. Well, I don’t want it! Its not worth it!) there isn’t anything he needs to make up to me, like my mom felt she did. Well, other than the way he’s being a huge prick nowadays. At this point just setting me free would be enough for me. I don’t want anything except for both of us to find any happiness we can, and if that is no longer possible together then we need to separate.
He was the most amazing man I’ve ever known! He opened every door including my car door for the 1st 8 years straight. He was so varing, giving, would lend a hand or ear, funny and charming. I know those traits aren’t gone or else he wouldn’t prosper at work like he does, but he turns them off when he gets home. He has low self esteem for some reason though and I know it has something to do with all of it. Plus he’s incredibly passive aggressive and so was my mom. Growing up with her like that caused me to be a pretty straightforward person. I’ve tried to tell them both, you can set boundaries, advocate for your needs or express your differing opinion without being mean. Doing those things doesn’t automatically make you a jerk! It’s how you do it. Passive aggression really is crazy making!
I just want my husband back. We’ve been together 15 years, married 13, and I don’t want to throw it away. He says he doesn’t either, he always tells he may mess up but he’ll never stop trying, but that’s just it, he never STARTS trying! He always says to me to remember, “Pressure makes diamonds” It’s making me very hard, that’s for sure. I don’t want to be angry or insecure or feel unworthy anymore. I don’t like who he is when he’s with me & I don’t like who I am when I’m with him anymore. It’s devastating because I love him now more than ever. My love has grown exponentially for him & his hasn’t. It is unrequited love, it’s torture. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It crushes your heart and soul. I can’t even look at his face anymore or make eye contact without wanting to cry, because his eyes don’t look at me the way they once did.
Hi Evita, thank you for sharing your story with us. I understand how trying the situation is, but please know that we are here to help. I encourage you to book a coaching session so that we can ask you specific questions that would help us define the ideal action plan. To work with us, just click here.
All the best,
Team Happily Committed
I already knew most of what you have explained in this article was true for me.. After 45 YRS of marriage, I have been ready to move on for about 5 yrs. BUT.. leaving was not an option due to his bypass surgery 3 YRS ago.. I feel stuck and obligated. Although he has healed, he still does not listen to Dr orders and still smokes, eats unhealthy diet and refuses to take his meds, on top of all that he BLAMES me for letting the doctors do the heart surgery. I FEEL MY ” SOMEDAY ” WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
Same here. Only 36 years for me, but still….we’ve tried to reconcile several times through counseling, church and secular both, through just tying to “will” ourselves into it, and most of the work, if any is done at all, came from my side, making a serious effort to change myself, to employ self-improvement & growth techniques, and I really *have* grown and changed, particularly the last 5 years. He tried for about 2 weeks, and then it’s back to the same old shallow behavior and life, for him. I’ve had more than I can take of the lack of respect, the thinly-veiled belittling, the lack of effort on his part. I’ve grown tired of waiting for him to change. He is never going to, because he sees no need for change. He is happy to continue to be the same shallow, self-absorbed narcissist he has always been, yet more than happy to get what he needs from me, all the while expecting ME to make any changes. Well, I’m done. I finally move into the spare bedroom, after three attempts to explain to him WHY I am done, and him not comprehending a stitch of what I said. He asked all three times for me to explain what I was feeling. I repeated same all tree times. The third time, I told him if he still hasn’t understood, he never will and I would not be repeating this discussion going forward. A week later, he AGAIN asked– at bedtime, 10:00!at night, and adding an attempt to push my buttons and anger me. I stayed calm, simply reminded him I was not repeating myself, sort he wasn’t listening the first three times; Inthen gathered up my book, water bottle, phone and pillow, and went to bed in the spare room. That was four nights ago. I’ve not slept this good in ages.
Much of what was lined out in this article describes our marriage to a tee. But I am DONE trying to patch it up. It started with infidelity n22 years ago. I forgave and we went to (church) marriage counseling. He played along, and I was admonished and browbeaten into being a “biblical wife”. I took that to heart for a couple of decades, thinking that was goin to save my marriage. He went on being who he is (tho I have no idea if there’s been infidelity since) and I wound up bing very disillusioned with my faith, my church, and eventually my marriage. Twice since then we’ve done more church and secular counseling; every time, I give it my all and out in my part of the work. He plays along for a bit, and then it’s business as usual.
So, I’m done. He’s made it perfectly clear after 36 years whose voice and needs in this marriage REALLY matter– and it’s his.
This article basically reaffirmed my marriage never even was – our relationship was never a partnership as he came into it with more money then I did. And I will NEVER be finished in “owing” him. I’m done. Two years to pay off my debt and I’m outta here. Thank you for stating what I already knew was true.
Hi SC, we are very glad that this article gave you some closure. Wishing you the very best.
I have read many articles the past couple of years just trying to find some answers to the many questions that seem to now haunt me. I started out determined to find the best way to rekindle our marriage. Oh I was gonna find a way to save it …..errrrtttt…yea Well, regrettably I ended up discovering that apparently I have been a complete moron almost the whole time we have been together. Maybe just had glued my eyes shut the whole time? Hmm? ….Well anyways just to be clear first pls understand that I deeply loved my husband for 14 years and really I still do however, the extreme bond I felt we shared, ummmm….pfst.. this is not how he thought of me nor our marriage at all. Whoa was I way off, like hit the pitcher take your base kind of off…
I Discovered I was and by the actions of his am still just basically nothing more than just someone to be tolerated, sometimes an obligation, and really had/have become someone that’s kept around to prevent any loneliness or more because I am familiar and comfortable. Partially also to protect his image to others and now to have someone to blame for all of his shortcomings and mistakes. He never really respected me and I doubt very much he actually was in love with me at all. Turns out that he repeatedly had cheated and continued to attempt to cultivate and pursue other women, numerous secret emotional affairs, hid all the normal things that cheating husbands do. Never revealing to me one of the more devastating affairs to me until very recently 10 years later! And what’s more painful is I was told it was so long ago get over it. He told me, he said, “to show me that he isn’t doing that now”, since I accuse him (based on clear evidence), but uhhh……?huh ? …yea…. if you can figure how that makes sense at all please enlighten me….oh there’s just so much more I could spill ..but to cut this down,
This article is by far one of the best and most informative ones that I have read since beginning this downhill devastating spirit crushing cluster f***! Thank you for this information and making me get the cobwebs outta my brain to finally make my choice!
Warm wishes and best of luck to all who are facing this horrible fork in the road.
Welcoming you all to The Broken Hearts Club,
ML
Hi ML, thank you for your comment. We are so glad that this article was able to help. The decision to turn the page is a very hard one, indeed, and you should be very proud of yourself for making it. You deserve so much joy, respect, and to be cherished, and you’ve just opened the door to an exciting new chapter. We are happy to have you with us and wish you the best of luck in love!
I have been with my husband since I was 15 now almost 51. Everything applies to us but I just dont want to disappoint people . I am afraid my kids will hate me ( they are adults). I also cant afford to live and he is self employed and will just not help me. He doesnt really have money either…but I cry nearly every day because of our lives its unfair . He is a good person but its not working and hasnt for a long time. We once were best friends now we resent each other. How do you end it ? He always talks me out of it. Because I feel bad.
Hi Salina, it is very hard to exit a relationship, especially if you two have been together for a long time. We have created a special product designed to help you move on with grace and peace of mind, and I encourage you to check it out here. I hope this helps!
My wife says she still loves me and that I have done nothing wrong and haven’t failed to do anything that I should have done. I have supported her, put her through nursing school, “allowed her to be who she is” and supported anything she wanted to try like taking up guitar.our sex life has been great and experimental…and frequent…at least weekly…sometimes on a Wednesday I burst through through the door and just take her cause I have been driven crazy thinking about being with her all day while I was at work.When she first met me…before we were together she would masturbate thinking of me. I take her to the beach on a random Tuesday to watch the sunset, We have countless inside jokes together, I share doing laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking responsibilities. But she still wants a divorce…
I have been with my husband since I was 15 and now 50. I always made the concessions to settle so that he could have things. I make more money and he has always resented it and guilted me into basically paying for everything so that he could have money in his pocket. We have had lots of ups and downs and each time I have grown and changed but have not seen it on his end. I am a doer so I always took care of it. Every single sign is there. He blames me for his depression and drugand gambling addiction that started 2 years ago after the death of his mother. All because our daughter was left out of the will. She got nothing and her brother , father, aunt all got 80k I just called out his parents for what I have felt our whole relationship and don’t regret it. He says I didn’t let him grieve his mother’s death. I did apologize for what I said but then he started to change. Becoming selfish and would not allow me to take or save any of the money. Did tell me I could spend some but everything I took I had to replace. All the while he was hemorrhaging money through gambling and drugs then started taking bill money and then my money. I begged hom to get help. I graveled to him to seek help until I just couldn’t do it anymore. All the while being put down and belittled for everything. He started to pull away and I am sure he was having affairs even emotional affairs. He would only come home to sleep a couple hours make a mess and leave again. Meanwhile he didn’t pay a bill or provide in any way for me or our home. Our kids are grown so thankfully that isn’t an issue. He did agree to leave and is currently with his sister. Now after all this time says he will do whatever it takes to save our marriage but has an excuse for not seeking treatment. Says he isn’t using or gambling but still has a crisis with every paycheck and can’t even manage to pay his phone nor car insurance. He has paid his car payment but just barely. I am just done. Done waiting for him to be the man and husband I thought he was golden to be. He still tries to guilt me and blame me but I stay calm and just tell him it’s over. But I am absolutely devastated and alone. I am happier alone then when I was with him but it sucks. Feel like I have wasted so much of my life on a person who showed me who he was every day and proved it when he had chance to show me love amd support. I am not scared to be alone or afraid I can’t make it because I have been training for this for 2 years now. Its just sad and I am mad at myself for being made a fool of. I don’t think he loves me anymore either its just comfortable when someone does everything and makes sure things get done and I have always been that for him. But we have so many memories good, bad and in between. I just want to move on with grace and dignity. Thank you for proving to myself that our marriage is over and not fixable.
Hi Laurie, congratulations on finding clarity and a sense of peace in your decision to move on. It’s no easy feat! Our program on moving on is now available as well, and it can help you with making this exit. We wish you all the very best!
I’m so glad I happened to find your article on this subject. I have come to believe, after reading your article, my marriage is near over. So many of the points you have brought up mirror the last 6 years of our marriage. We have been married 26 years and have put forth much effort in repairing our marriage with very little success. This gave me a sigh of relief and pointed my questions and concerns toward a direction of happiness.
Thank You, Weight Lifted
Hi Scott, we are so glad that this article helped. Wishing you lots of success in this new chapter of your life!
Thank you for this my marriage is suffering and has been for a while and I lost my 2nd oldest son not to long ago which has been very hard on me then the stress of this marriage. This has given me alot of insight thank you so much I will be given you a update
So helpful, validating of what I already know in my gut. To know though, that it is okay to stay for the other persons health, is what I desperately needed to see. Although I feel so alone and so empty, I know I can work on the friendship that is still there and find joy in other areas of my life while balancing the needs of my husband. It helps to know I’m not alone in being in this situation – maybe a support group or therapy for my own sanity will make the decision to stay not seem so crazy or weak.
Hi Carrie, we are so happy to read that this article helped you. It is always important to work on cultivating joy in all areas of your life outside of your relationship, and if you need us to help with this, please don’t hesitate to contact us for coaching. Wishing you all the best!
My wife says she still loves me and that I have done nothing wrong and haven’t failed to do anything that I should have done. I have supported her, put her through nursing school, “allowed her to be who she is” and supported anything she wanted to try like taking up guitar.our sex life has been great and experimental…and frequent…at least weekly…sometimes on a Wednesday I burst through through the door and just take her cause I have been driven crazy thinking about being with her all day while I was at work.When she first met me…before we were together she would masturbate thinking of me. I take her to the beach on a random Tuesday to watch the sunset, We have countless inside jokes together, I share doing laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking responsibilities. But she still wants a divorce…
I’m in a strange situation. I feel claustrophobic and trapped because my partner just told me that they want to explore polyamory, and it’s a huge part of the way they feel like they can relate to other people, although they’ve never engaged in it. Apparently, this is something they always wanted, and even though I’ve tried so hard to be supportive and communicative our whole 15 years together, they just never felt comfortable telling me about it. So I’ve just found out that the last 15 years of what I thought was an amazing partnership are built on a lack of trust and communication, and now I’m supposed to what? Just be ok with everything not being what I agreed to when we got married? They’re supposed to be going to therapy to try to figure everything out, but we have kids, and now I feel completely trapped and like my heart is being ripped out every day. I’m not enough, it turns out that I’ve never been enough, and even though they don’t want to separate or be divorced, I feel like I can’t breathe and I have no good choices ahead of me. Turns out, there are not a lot of advice pieces written for situations like mine.
Hi Kit, I’m sorry to hear that you’re experiencing this right now. I encourage reading this article to help tackle the communication issues in your relationship, and reaching out to us for one on one coaching. By asking you targetted questions we can construct a tailor-made action plan to find solutions to these problems
Been married only short time tho I have been no saint the constant need to change me to conform to her needs is what creates a wall I no longer care to break down. I don’t encourage the behavior I conducted on my marriage but by simply trying to strip a person of their identity or make them question all their intentions is not right. Everyone sign points that this is the end as she admitted she has “checked” out as so have I.
How can you stop someone from constantly wanting you to do things their way? Or that they feel you have given up on them when you haven’t but obviously don’t feel close when they are quick to lose their patience and understanding with you?
Hi Danielle, communication is going to be your best friend with a challenge like this. I encourage you to read this article to learn some of our best tips and tools to navigate the art of communication in a relationship.
Literally, all of the above. My marriage is over as well. I’m holding on by a thread, old memories keep me thinking we can make it work. We are both exhausted, have 7 boys, and have a lot of resentment. I moved out of state with him to get away from the bad reminders of what we have gone through hoping it would help us and nothing has changed. Now I want to go back home, he refuses. So I’m stuck. And kids are involved, tho I’d love coaching to get genuine help.. there’s no way I could ever afford this, I am completely dependent on him working as I am stay at home mom. The nightmare continues. I’m only 26. This sucks…
Hi Brittney, thank you for sharing your story. Moving on from a relationship is no walk in the park, that’s true. I encourage you to take a look at the new program we have created specifically for this type of situation where you feel stuck and frustrated. I believe it could help. I’ll place the link for you here. Wishing you all the best!
I know my marriage is truly over I just can’t bear to hurt my daughter and grand children
Hi Mandy, yes, this is a very difficult thing but people are resilient and able to adjust. Though there is a challenging transition period, more often than not, making these changes enables you to become happier than ever before!
Hello. I am only 26 years old, I have 2 beautiful boys, 4 & 2. I admit I am reading this while currently in an argument with my husband but one thing that I cant seem to let go of is we are currently, what I believe to be a friendship marriage. We are great friends, we do argue a lot, we’ve been married 5 years, but the thought of living life without him, being away from him, doesn’t haunt me. I actually feel relief knowing I could potentially live alone just me and my boys. I feel so stuck, I am so so sad, I feel so helpless I can’t handle it. I feel like we are just living together as friends, the sexual chemistry has vanished, I can go days-weeks without it & wont even flinch. Please please any advice will do. Please help me.
Hi Grettel, there are a couple different types of solutions available to you. First, you and your husband will need to communicate about intimacy and both of your needs. You can spice things up in the bedroom by trying new things and thinking outside of the box. In some situations, (and you would have to discuss something like this at length to determine whether both of you are comfortable with this concept), there are marriages that explore the notion of being “open”. This is not for everyone so again, communication is key. In addition to all of this, you must ask yourself the tough questions and determine whether you are truly happy and want to fight to reignite the flame. This is all very complex so please do not hesitate to reach out to us. By asking you targetted questions, we can create a custom action plan to create the shift you want. To work with us, just click here.
After retiring my husband of 46 years asks me of an affair he was concerned @ from 30 years ago. Being floored I told lies both ways. Is it time to throw in the towel because we can only seem to be together at night in the same bed.
Hi Vickie, thanks for your question. I would suggest booking a coaching session so that we could analyze the details of your situations and determine the next steps you should take. To book, just click here.
Thank you for this article. It resonates in its entirety to how I have been feeling in my gut. I will be honest and say we haven’t really tried over our 8 year marriage but we have had conversations that are never picked up and I know deep down I don’t want to try, there is no love, friendship any connection. It’s just finding the courage to be the “bad one” and ending it. The kids will adjust.
Hi Frances, thanks for your comment. Yes, it’s a challenging situation, but it is something that can transform your life and grant you access to unprecedented happiness. We have created a product that is specifically designed to help you through this process. To access it, just click here.
Married 52 years. The article painted the picture I’ve been Reluctantly looking at for about 5 years. I no longer look forward to the future, argumentative one upsmanship has been the trend in my spouse, and I feel I’m no longer good for her… nor needed as a vital element to her daily life. So, I’m ready to give up. I still have a very viable libido…she does not. I’d rather let her be somewhere in a happy life, and I in one, than to make her and I both needlessly slowly suffer.
Hi Ray, thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. It’s a difficult reality to grasp, but accepting that it’s time to change grants to you access to a much more fulfilling new chapter in your life. If you would like extra help in moving on, please don’t hesitate to check out our new product that is designed to make the process much easier. To access it, just click here.
After reading this article it is clear to me that my marriage of 27 years is over. I am trying to accept it but it is very difficult. I see my husband and myself in so many examples. Nothing is going to help if one of us isn’t willing to seek help. The thought of being on my own is scary to me but I realize that I need to take that step.
Thank you
Hi Gina, I understand that this can seem like the scariest moment, but don’t forget that sometimes that the most difficult situation opens up the door to a brand new life that is so much more fulfilling than before. If you’d like some more guidance through this period, I highly recommend checking out our new product on moving on. It is designed to help you do this with grace and peace of mind. To access it, just click here.
Your article is very true. Lack of respect and honor is another sign it’s over. He has had a “Friend” for the 8 years I have known of. I miss the friend I had in him when I thought he was my friend. I miss what I thought we had even though it wasn’t perfect and I found out he never thought of me as a friend but only his wife because he had a friend in this woman. She is is best female friend. I can’t compete with this once secret relationship I discovered. He never mentioned her. I have chosen to let him go after 20 years of marriage. He refuses to let that friendship go. He has gaslighted next terribly through the whole ordeal. It’s unhealthy now for is both. Didn’t even know I was married to a Narc.
Hi Yvonne, I am sorry to read that you are experiencing so much heartache, but I want you to know that sometimes the most painful situations lead to the most incredible transformations in a person’s life. I am wishing you lots of success in the next chapter of your life!
Hi, I feel it in my heart that my almost 12 years of marriage is over. The signs are there. The article is eye opening and I see it. I’m not a perfect wife and he is not an idea husband. He yells and screams at me because I do not put a “united front” in front of others when I disagree with his opinion. I always get yelled at. I can’t have my own opinion. He is always looking for that one moment to yell. He’s 7 years older. He thinks he need to control me. He likes to act like nothing is wrong especially in front of his family. He will choose his family over me any day. We have two daughters (11 and 6). I do not feel comfortable going outside during this pandemic. He allows the kids to go out with his family even when I object and worry about their safety. He will never say no to his younger sister. I feel alone in this so called marriage. I do not feel like doing much like I have given up. I see the signs. It’s many years of the same bullshit but different circumstances.
Hi Kathy, tihs is definitely a challenging situation and it’s true, the pandemic isn’t making it any easier. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us for coaching if you would like some personalized guidance.
This article was very enlightening in that I was able to gain a reasonable amount of hope by realizing almost none of these things are happening in my strained marriage. With that in mind, I’m in a place where years of caring for others and not taking care of myself enough left my husband feeling dejected and ignored. Now that these thoughts have been brought to light, I’m working hard on turning things around and in a way him bringing this knowledge to me has reignited my complete love for him. I took for granted the fact that he’d always be here. However, we’re in an awkward stage and I’m truly struggling with how to behave while he’s working through all this. He’s slowly letting me back in. We’re definitely friends and enjoy hanging out, but he just has bad days that I have no idea how to handle. I guess I need to be pointed in the right direction on how to calm myself down and be patient.
Hi Julia, this process can be very challenging indeed, and we are happy that you have found this article helpful. If you would like customized advice, please don’t hesitate to reach out for coaching.
I’m grateful to have stumbled upon your article. Your ability to articulate specific problem areas has been reassuring in a time of complete heartache & confusion.
Hi Nikki, thank you, and we are so glad to have you with us. Wishing you all the very best!
How do you just let go of stability? The very thing that is choking you is also keeping you above water? We’ve both admitted our mistakes but he’s not willing to change, he had a list of demands actually in the beginning of our separation.
I have the chance to move to Germany and be free? I’m unsure if I should fly or try to remain caged but safe…
Hi Freedom, the important thing to pay attention to is the fact that he is unwilling to change. If you know in your heart of hearts that this will not make you happy in the long run, you will have to grab life by the horns and get in control of your happiness. You are the only one who can make this decision. Just take your time with this decision. Write out pros and cons, talk to people you trust, and define solutions to create independent stability for yourself whether you decide to stay or go.
This article has given me no hope for my marriage. This really the lowest point I have ever felt. I was trying to save my marriage, and be the best husband I can be. I feel more alone than ever.
Hi Paul, we and the community here at Happily Committed are here to support you. If the time has come for you to move on from your marriage, I want you to know that it can actually be the beginning of an incredibly wonderful new chapter. Should you need it, I encourage you to download the product we’ve designed to help people move on from painful situations with grace and peace of mind. To access it, just click the link. Wishing you all the best!
How do you overcome adulatory? How do you overcome physical abuse? Overcome The trapped feeling? Financially and emotionally???? When your partner drinks a lot and hits on others in front of you? Sleeping on the couch for a year. No intimacy at all???
Hi Jo Ann, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us for one on one coaching so we can ask you targetted questions that will help us help you determine the best course of action moving forward. Wishing you all the best!
I read this article several times to remind me that my marriage is over. I’ve been begging or over a year for affection, sleep on couch, been verbally and physically abused for years, no control of any money, downgraded & left at home. This last drunken night was the last time I could take.. want a divorce children want me to get away from their dad. So know it’s over but yet can’t actually get my shit together to find a attorney and start. Waiting for change, maybe but it’s just a ticking time bomb waiting to go off. Already said what he would do if I file. Leave me broke and wants everything. Kids don’t want to go w him. All of us have been scared of him for a over a year.. what do you say to this
Hi Joann, thank you for sharing your story with us. Please know that you are worthy of love and respect, and you have done your work to make this relationship with. The situation has indeed become toxic, and it is important to now surround yourself with people that bring you joy and support you. Be careful to avoid isolation, and know that we are here to help. You are never alone. There are also free resources available like the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They are available 24/7 and can be contacted discreetly and safely. Here is a link.
Wishing you all the very best!
THIS HITS ME HARD….. “The thought of trying to remain with this person exhausts you and makes you feel heavy and burdened. You can’t seem to find a reason to continue to try to make it work, you feel taken for granted, and you don’t feel like it’s worth it anymore.”
We did try it again. but we kept arguing and lasted only a week after trying it again. I feel exhausted and cant put up a fight anymore.. I thought I would be excited to feel shes back in my life again. To realized, i dread getting up in the morning knowing she’s back to burden my life again. It’s sad, after 3 years of marriage we couldnt fix it anymore….
Just to add to my comment… I was depressed for the last 7 months since she left. I was sad, lonely, depressed and didn’t wanna talk to anyone. after 7 months she came back and we had a mutual understanding we could probably try it again.
I thought i missed her… Maybe i did… But as a soon as she laid down the rules and i have to change to be that person for her I exploded and the past came all back. I’m wondering, is it just love that matters? I dont think so. We still love each other but we cant really grow together, not being a couple. I felt burdened for the past 3 years and she feels the same. Sometimes we just have to accept, it’s time to let go. :’c
I’m still trying to move on, it’s hard. The thing is, I dont even wanna date someone new. I’m learning self love right now.
Hi Jinxie, coming to the realization that it’s time to move on from a marriage is no easy feat, and yes, it is very painful. But it is also the first step towards a new life of happiness. We are happy to have you with us and are excited for the next chapter of your life. You are right to be focusing on self-love right now. If you would like any extra help, please don’t hesitate to download the product we’ve created to help people move on with peace of mind and confidence. To access it, just click here. Wishing you all the very best!
My marriage meets most all of the qualifications for a failing marriage. I have been married 33 years and it is hard to give up but we are both unhappy and tired of trying to fix our issues. We just seem to have 2 totally different views on things so it may be best to just let go.
Is it valid to stay in a marriage because of children?
Hi Starlla, each relationship and situation is unique. Please reach out to us for coaching so that we can ask you specific questions that will help us determine the best plan of action for you.
I need some advice. My marriage has been in a mess for many years now…..starlla
Hi Starlla, please reach out to us for one on one coaching by clicking here and we would be happy to help!
I love my husband very much but it seems like, the marriage isn’t working anymore. I feel so exhausted and mentally drained with so many fights and arguments. He cannot control his temper anymore. My daughter wanted me to end the marriage but I love him and I don’t know if I should still stay or not……
Hi Starlla, your sense of well-being is paramount. Without it, a relationship cannot survive. Whether you feel love or not, if you are constantly being drained, it might be time to turn the page and move on. If you would like, we’d be happy to work with you to analyze the situation and see what steps need to be taken. To work with us, just click here.
Totally ME, I am soooo lost. Immensely successful but I feel more than unworthy and useless. Fourty plus years of marriage. Should have left after 10 years !!! YOU described me to a TEE !!! No infidelity involved.
Hi Paula, thank you for your comment. You most certainly are NOT unworthy and useless, and it is in your power to turn the page and open the door to a new chapter in your life. If you would like, I encourage you to check out the program we have created to help people move on from a relationship with grace and peace of mind. To access it, just click here.
Wishing you lots of success!
My husband and I have been married 7 years this November. We have two children under 2, one was born a month ago. We have been having a lot of problems for quite awhile but now with the new baby things are much worse. After this baby was born we stayed with my parents, we haven’t left yet because of the problems we have been having. He is very distant. He doesn’t seem to want to be around us and when he is with us he seems like he can’t wait to leave. He gets frustrated very easily and he tends to take it out on our oldest. He also seems even more distant from our new baby. There are days he won’t speak to me. Days he won’t spend any time with our children. Nights he won’t come home. Times he leaves in the middle of the night. I am not sure if he just needs to get away from me or if he is seeing someone else. I’m not putting all the blame on him as I’m sure I haven’t made anything easier. All I am asking for right now is for him to be more present and to be there for our children. I feel like I am raising our kids by myself. I feel like he doesn’t want anything to do with me or our kids. I still love him but he won’t talk to me about anything that actually matters and when I try to talk to him he overreacts. What is your advise? Is my marriage over? I just don’t want to waste my time if he doesn’t want to even try. I honestly don’t have time to waste with having two young children. I also don’t want to put my kids through more tension and heartbreak than possible. Help please.
Hello, at this point it would appear that he is taking you for granted and needs space from you – both of which need to change. There needs to be a change in the dynamic between you and as children are involved, I recommend a coaching session so that we can study the details of your relationship and create a solid action plan. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us here. I also encourage you to read this article.
All I can say is AWESOME article. It is as though you were in my home in my relationship and you hit the nail on the head. I have suffered through all of the reasons and signs, and yes, I feel not understood I feel isolated and I feel very left out of the relationship . it is a one-sided marriage. I believe that now there is more bad than good. I’m the one that is expected to change I am the one that needs to walk on eggshells I am the one who needs to go along with his point of view; my view is never considered. And all his excuses point to me how bad I am if I did this if I didn’t do that etc. Thank you so very much. Some wonderful food for thought.
Hello Irene, we are so happy to hear that you found this helpful, and we are very happy to have you as a part of our community. We sincerely wish you lots of success in this new chapter!
What do I do when she no longer happy and has left. I keep trying. I’m working on me. Trying desperately to save this but she keeps focusing on the negative of the past. I don’t want to lose her but I feel like she’s already gone. What do I do
Hi there, please get in touch with us for one on one coaching by clicking here so that we can create a tailormade action plan! That way we can ask you targetted questions about your relationship and identify the ideal solution.
Thank you for this article.
Every single point you made is true in my marriage.
We have been together for 7 years but only married 2 years and we have a one year old child. I am the breadwinner as my husband is going to school. We have had family deaths this last year and my husband has admitted he is depressed.
I want to think that this is just a rocky chapter but it seems to be never ending. We fight almost every single day. BIG fights. But I am scared to divorce and I don’t like the thought of him with someone else. My husband won’t go to marriage counseling.
I am so sad and just need some guidance.
Hi Karen, I recommend getting in touch with us for one on one coaching. That way, we can study your relationship, ask you targetted questions and define a custom action plan for you. To work with us, just click here.
Reading this was very helpful. I plan on moving back to my home state and separating from my husband I feel this is the right thing to do but then I’m afraid I’m making the wrong decision and afraid of doing it all by myself with two kids. One issue we have that is killing our marriage is that. He will not forgive me for having his son on purpose. I thought I wanted a family so so bad and I wanted to keep him so I had a baby on purpose. We talked about it before but the timing wasn’t right and I did it anyways. He always throws it in my face and doesn’t trust me. In public I have to have my head down most of the time because he thinks I’m looking at other guys but I’m not. I have never cheated and never will. I know how it feels to be cheated on. Please help me.
Hi Jessica, I highly recommend downloading the product we’ve created for our clients who are struggling with turning the page from a relationship. It is designed to help you move forward with grace and peace of mind. To access it, just click here.
Is it posible when you have been married a long time you just grow apart. I can identify w so many of these feelings. But the responsibility I feel keeps be from leaving a marriage that is so boring. I feel we have nothing in common any more. What can be done.
Hi Steph, if you’d like, we can work with you to create an action plan to help change the dynamic in your marriage and make it more fulfilling. To work with us, just click here.
My issue with leaving is. Im extremely ill and I will no longer have Health Insurance. Nor do I have a career.
Amazing article. My marriage is over. Reality just hit me. 30+ years. All your points were spot on. Thank you for a very well written article to help me organize my thoughts
Hi M, we’re so happy that this was helpful to you, and we wish you so much success in the next chapter!
I have only recently discovered that I was the second-choice husband. Essentially, my wife settled for me because I was safe. Because she settled for someone she considers “less than” who she really deserves and wants, she has a tremendous amount of contempt and resentment for me, which led her to seek solace with other men. I see this as an incurable defect. It is the San Andreas fault line in the foundation of our marriage. So, yes. My marriage of 33 years has been.over since the.beginning. It was the equivalent of a dead man walking.
This is a very insightful read, which has brought its share of tears to my eyes. Reading the comments that readers post is heart breaking. More tears. I married the love of my life, nearly 21 years ago. Lately we have been falling apart. I have a hard time remembering the last time I felt happy, from my core. A friend of my husband used to look into my eyes and always claimed that they sparkled from my happiness. He is not with us anymore, but I wonder if he would find that sparkle still, and I highly doubt it.
I intend to make this relationship work. I hope I will be successful. Realising that we are definitely heading in the wrong direction is an amazing help.
Thank you, everyone, for your sincere comments.
Wish me luck. I will need it. It is not only about love, for sure!
Thank you Yolani!
Goodluck with everything!
All the best,
Happily Committted
Thank you. I have been back on this website a few more times to catch up with the comments. I find them inspiring, in a strangely positive way. I have never joined a support group, so I suppose this acts as my marriage support group.
I would like to share that my husband and I have opened up on at least two occasions, and this has helped a lot. The last time, I told him that I had pictured my ideal spouse that day, and that he fit the mold mostly, with several exceptions. The more annoying exceptions, he admitted he had been doing on purpose to get on my nerves. This conversation, in a calm environment, became a tipping point from which we both have made an effort to patch up our relationship.
I don’t know if the worst is over. I hope it is. But I am sure that come what may, we are doing what needs to be done to either fix our marriage or bid farewell knowing we have tried or best.
Thank you, “Happily Committed” and posters, for your open comments.
Hi Yolani, thank you for your comment and we are so happy to have you with us. Please know that we are here if you would like individual or couple’s coaching. Hats off to you and your husband for productively communicating with one another. It truly is the key to success.
Wishing you the best of luck!
Happily Committed
Well…my marriage is over! Used to be best friends but now he makes my skin crawl when he enters the room.
I am thankful for this article. I have been marriage for over 2 years and I have been taking the steps to heal from the abuse of my husband due to his PTSD and alcoholism. I have been going to counselling and support groups for about 6 months now. I have been making a lot of improvements. Unfortunately, my husband does not want to go to marriage counselling out of fear that will be divorced and does not want to got to counselling for himself either. I am the only person working a full-time job while being a part-time student pursuing my Bachelor’s degree. He is a combat Veteran and is pursuing his Bachelor’s also. He will be graduating in May 2021.
Alcoholism and PTSD has been the center of our marriage. I did not want to give up at all even though he told me that there was no help and no hope. He was not looking for it himself. So, it was easy for him to tell me that. He did not want me to talk to anyone about the issues that I was experiencing because it would have embarrassed him. Yet, I was dealing with mental, verbal, physical, and emotional abuse right after I went to the social security office to change my last name to his out of respect from him. I wanted to hyphenate my last name so that my maiden name would be there. He told me that would disrespectful to him.
I did everything out of respect and love for him. Yet, I was experiencing my own PTSD and depression throughout the ordeal. The start of the second year of marriage, an incident occurred. I went to jail for 2 weeks and at that time I was working 7 days out of the week since I was working a second job on the weekends only. Plus I was paying for all household expenses within the house we recently purchased. Once I was out, I was desperate for help since I did not want to live like that anymore. He only married me to pay his bills.
Now he does not drink anymore. He has substituted alcohol for another substance. He refuse to be sober and in his right mind. I still get criticized for being who I am. I am still criticized for not cooking since my mother did not take out the time to teach me. I do not want him to teach me because he criticized me the entire time while he was supposed to teach me how to parallel park in order for me to pass the drivers’ test to get my license. I was 31 years old at the time and he was impressed by the teenagers who were practicing nearby. He displays empathy and sympathy to others, but not towards me as his wife. Thankfully, we do not have any children. He has an adult son and a teenage son from two previous relationships. I am his third wife while this is my first marriage. I will be turning 34 next month and know that I have to make a tough, lonely decision about my life. I needed the information truly so I know where everything stands. Thank you.
I feel lost in my relationship. We just got married in May and he is everything I have wanted but this article articulates all my feelings I’m scared to say out loud. I don’t know how much the pandemic plays into my feelings. In March I got in a car accident and lost my job. So it’s overall been a really difficult year and I don’t want to give up on my relationship if the pandemic is situational. But we don’t know how long it will last which makes it harder to not be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My husband knows we are on our last leg; he fights for us more than I do. In my heart of hearts I just don’t know if fighting for our relationship is going to do anything in the long run and after 2020 I just don’t know if I have the energy to try.
Thank you, this is a very informative article. I already know it’s time to let go and have known for a very long time. Thing is, I can’t do it – it’s staring me in the face and I can’t do it.
Pam Nov. 4th,2020 at 1:36 p.m.
I can’t have no kids i am ashamed to say.Which you can’t help me with that i know.I feel like my marriage is over also for the most part he hates certain people and sometimes i feel like he hates me.He don’t
never want to stay home with me much and when he does he fusses all the time about the neighbors.My mom is afraid
to leave me with him when she passes on.I’m at my wits end can you please help me?
This was very useful. My wife is going through breast cancer now.. We were on the path to separation.
I doubt our relationship will survive following her treatment.
She asked that we play house while she goes through it. So far we have been good about it. The treatment gives us focus and something to be allies for.
Thanks..
Realized that we should have ended it a few years back with the signs above.
So… If I’d rather cut off my left foot than spend another minute married to this ass, is my marriage over?
My marriage has been over for many years. Married 28 years and we just live in the same house together. I’ve tried everything to get my husband to spend time with me but he works all the time. I see him for 5 minutes a day. His work has always been his priority. He said he loves me but makes zero effort to change anything. I am so lonely and depressed. I used to have my Mom to talk to but she passed away suddenly in February and I have been at the lowest point in my life ever. I work full time and can support myself but I think I stay because I’m scared to be alone and where would I go? I love my home and it would devastate my son.
My loyalty to great mutaba at [greatmutaba@gmail. com] will ever remain in my heart for the peace he has brought back to my marriage, I am a man who always busy with my JOB, which I really don,t enough time with my family and my wife always complain about it and I tried to make her understand the situation but she got angry and left to stay on her own and move on with her life, the most painful thing is that she left the 2 years old daughter. I went to her several times to bring her back home all she could do is to filed for divorce which I don,t want that to happen I love her and i want my child to be taken good care of. but Thank God for using great mutaba to save my home with peace within 7 days of his spiritual intervention.
My wife and I have been together for 20 years.. we met when I was 18 and she was 25. We have 2 boys, one of them just turned 18 and the other is 12. I feel like Robert from the article,: “Instead of living life as a married couple, they were just living parallel lives under the same roof. The bond between them was nowhere to be found and they were just coasting through life, focusing on their jobs and careers, on their kids, on their friends, on their hobbies… They were focusing on pretty much everything except each other.” I really feel like this is where the current state of our marriage is.. Ive shared my thoughts with close friends and the same reply i get from most of them, ” it sounds like you guys are roomates”.. and I would agree with them.. it feels that way.. We never fight or argue.. if there’s a strong disagreement about something, we both shut off for days or even weeks but we never fight.. our sex life is non existing at times.. we can go for weeks with out it.. and when we do, it feels like we are doing each other a favor… its sad to say, but it just may be time to move on…
This was very informative and helpful. I think I am going through all of the signs my marriage is trouble. And I can relate to all of them unfortunately. Thank you.
Hi Bel, thank you for your comment. We sincerely wish you the best of luck in this new chapter, and hats off to you for making the decision to welcome happiness back in!
All the best,
Team Happily Committed
I definitely knew about most of this, but having said that, I still found it helpful. Nice work!
I really loved this article. It helped me connect the dots on a lot of my marriage issues. My husband and I have been together for 29 years and married for 17 yrs. He is a serial cheater, and has hurt me more times than I can count. I saw a text message from him to another woman where he called her affectionate names that he never uses with me. I believe this is the reason we haven’t been emotionally connected in quite some time. Our sex life is great, he even brags To his friends that we don’t have any problems Whatsoever in that area. He always tells me I am the perfect wife and what he has done is not because of anything I did or did not do. I continue to ask him why he cheats and he says doesn’t know why. I try to figure out ways To work around the cheating such as a free pass or something but I don’t trust him enough to Stick to the rules. He allows Me to go through his phone and even track his iPhone all day from work to home, but I realized later he has been deleting the call logs and text conversations anyway, so that doesn’t help. I love him and want to see the good in him, but the trust is so far gone. I have only been thinking of how life will be without him. The sad part is he never hit me, we love hanging out together and going on date nights and trips to the islands. We are like best friends when we go out, but our marriage has no warmth, no affection, no intimacy at night unless he wants sex. It’s so cold, and for some reason think my marriage is over.
Thanks for this.
You’ve just confirmed what my gut has been telling me for the last few years. My marriage of 30 years has ended.
Sadness at the knowledge and knowing that nothing will revive it. What a failure as a man I am. Both kids leaving school, just retiring from work and a wife that’s given up and moved on as she cant live with you anymore.
I don’t know why I already feel like this and we have only been married a year, together for 6 years before marriage, friends for 3 years prior. I feel mad, irritated and resentful all the time and it’s turning me into a person I am not. She on the other hand hasn’t got a clue (or has a really great front) that there is any issue. She puts in zero effort and basically ignores me all the time any time I attempt to talk to her. I am unhappy (and have been for a while) and can’t imagine how she feels. I want to save my relationship but I am beyond tired being the only one trying.
Hello
My wife has told me she only wants to be friends after 27 years of marriage. We have grown kids 17,18,21,23.
I still love her and want to stay married however it’s getting pretty obvious she doesn’t really love me like she used to. No card or gift for my 60th birthday, no Christmas present. She has millions of dollars and I have very little however she wants me to give her all my money. I work full time and she only works managing her money. All her money is in separate accounts in her maiden name. She owns the condo where we live and I really can’t afford to move out on my own. What do I do? Try to hold on because I have no where else to go and have no money in the bank? Or do I agree to divorce and be friends and start all over again on my own with little money.
I can’t afford a lawyer either at this moment.
I can tell you if I had money I would leave for sure.
Need some sort of advice here. She also wants me the sign papers that I will not go after her money because it’s all hers.
Interesting article thanks for sharing this site stuff with me.
I have 5 unhappily married friends. The marriages are all over 20yrs, there is no affection, they all feel their alone, nobody wants to go get counseling, sex only happens during holidays if then, and kids are watching and have been raised in unhappy, loveless, and bad relationships.
I was married it wasnt working so i divorced and moved on. But to hear my 5 friends talk its like their in prison. There is verbal, physical, mental abuse. No sex no physical contact what so ever. In a couple of the marriages.
I just dont understand. There is life after marriage. You wake up and everday you find and rediscover yourself. You lose all the senseless arguing over nothing and you have peace of mind.
Yes there is life after marriage! Better to move past it then stay unhappy. Im just doing my best to explore all options before breaking apart my family
Thank you for the article. What can one do if their spouse if completely unaware of how their behavior is contributing the the failing marriage? If the spouse is too emotionally immature to do the work required to make things better ?
Thank you for the article – it is helpful! Have been married for 3.5 years and my husband is older than me. I am angry, frustrated, and resentful as he refused to seek gainful employment for the first 2 years of the marriage, forcing me to spend through my savings. We got pregnant right away and though he was there for the birth, he didn’t stay in the hospital with me to help with me and the baby but didn’t tell me so I could arrange for other family members or friends to come and spend time with me, so I was alone. (Remember here that he was not working so he was not otherwise occupied).
I pay most of the bills, do most of the housework, own my own business (after losing my job), make decisions about the house and the childcare. He cooks, grocery shops, and helps with our daughter when I have to work to support us. We don’t talk about any issues – I try to bring them up but they do not get resolved. We live in the same house but have never had regular date nights as my husband doesn’t deem them to be a necessary activity because we are married. I have to negotiate buying our daughter new clothes when she grows out of them. And, he doesn’t think I should go out and spend money which has severely limited my social life (even prior to COVID).
I am the angry, frustrated, and irritated spouse and my husband thinks everything is great. I feel like I have spent 3.5 years in house arrest (and I am an extreme extrovert who loves traveling the world and trying new things). For me, this situation has left me exhausted and has broken my spirit (and I want it back!).
Thank you for such great advice. I feel like my almost 17 year marriage is over. I can’t remember the last time we were intimate. I was recently gone for 45 days on a work detail and it didn’t seem like he even missed me. I’ve been back for about one month and still no sex! What should I do? Not sure how to confront these serious issues in our marriage.