Love is such a fascinating emotion. You can never force it, but once it arrives and settles in, you need to actively preserve it if you don’t want it to go anywhere. Otherwise, love comes and goes, changes and takes us on a wild ride. Sometimes the ride is so wild that you wind up in uncharted territory, with no idea how to proceed…
One of my most recent coaching sessions inspired me to write this article for you today. People can sometimes wind up in very tricky situations with complex emotions, and it can be very hard to determine how exactly to react.
I will tell you about my client’s situation a little further down in this article, but she was experiencing an emotion that is probably very similar to what you are experiencing if you are reading this article.
Because the emotions involved in the situation are so complicated, she felt completely paralyzed. She didn’t know what decision to take in order to move forward, which option to choose, and how do feel confident in her approach.
Because this is something that I come across from time to time in my one-on-one coaching sessions with the people I work with, I wanted to take the time to write an article for you on what to do when you are married, but in love with someone else!
This article will provide you with tools for analyzing your feelings and getting a better idea of what you truly want, and then I will explain some tools to help you reach your goal and be truly happy in love.
There is no doubt about it, this is a pretty sticky situation. When you got married to your husband or your wife, you thought that you were in it for the long haul and that the love that existed between you would never be threatened. But fast forward to today and you’ve found yourself with very conflicting emotions.
You are still married to your spouse, but somebody is coming to your life that has sparked very intense feelings of love. For some of you, you might be feeling like you are in love with two people at the same time, and others of you might feel that you don’t feel anything for your spouse anymore.
This is a very uncomfortable and challenging situation, and it isn’t as uncommon as you might think.
The problem that we experience in our society is that we are not given a proper education about love as we are growing up. We are constantly being exposed to the Hollywood and Disney movie culture, where it seems that everything is sunshine and rainbows for the rest of the couple’s life, no matter what.
We aren’t really taught about the fact that all relationships will encounter highs and lows, and love is not something that is magically preserved on its own.
Unfortunately, many people are met with the painful realization that the love between them and their significant other was allowed to fizzle away. Like anything of value, the love between two people needs to be maintained and taken care of. This means that it needs to be nurtured in order to be kept alive.
We are so extremely busy in this and age with our jobs, our responsibilities, our social lives, etc., but it becomes dangerously easy to neglect our romantic relationships. The result is that many people get taken for granted and when this goes on for too long, the bond between the two people begins to crumble.
When that bond begins to weaken, the relationship becomes vulnerable to outside factors that can damage it further.
For example, in many of the situations I see on a regular basis in which two people in a relationship are struggling because there was infidelity, a recurring theme is neglect.
The flame and the complicity between the two people were not being nurtured so the person who sought comfort outside of the relationship felt like they needed something that they weren’t receiving inside the relationship.
Many times, when there is a disconnect between the two people in a marriage, one of them will seek comfort and validation from another person. Interestingly enough, it often happens inadvertently.
The person isn’t necessarily actively searching for another person to fall in love with; it is just easier to fall for someone who offers them what they’ve been craving in their relationship.
That said and as I mentioned above, the fact that a person may develop serious feelings for someone other than their spouse does not automatically mean that they lose feelings for their spouse.
This is what it puts them in a very confusing situation, and perhaps this is exactly what you are dealing with today. You can feel paralyzed by the prospect of having to choose one person.
On one hand, you have the history and the relationship that you’ve poured your time and energy into with your husband or wife, and on the other hand, do you have this new person making you feel alive again.
So when you are married and in love with someone else, who do you choose?
I will tell you right off the bat that I cannot make this decision for you. What I can do, however, is provide you with some pointers on how to ask yourself honest questions that will allow you to get more clarity in terms of what you truly want to do.
Someone once told me something very interesting. She explained that every single one of us always knows the answer already. Our minds are just so clouded with “What if’s,” questions, and fears, that we wind up feeling blind and confused.
Many of us develop anxiety and lose sleep over decisions with such high stakes. The result is that the more exhausted you become, the harder it is to see things clearly. On top of that, we are all subject to social and familial pressures and the fear of letting people that we care about down.
All of these elements pile up on top of us and make it feel impossible to make a decision.
What if you love this other person but divorcing your partner would cause too many problems?
What would your parents think? What would happen to your children?
What if you choose to cut ties with the person you fell in love with and return to your spouse – could you repair the damage?
There are so many questions that arise when you love someone else, but my goal is to help you zero in on the path that would ensure the most well-being in your life.
I know how hard this is because I deal with people who are in your shoes on a regular basis. But we are here to help you from A to Z, so let’s get started!
As I said, I cannot make this decision for you but I can give you some insight on the things to take into consideration when you are in love with another man or woman.
When you think about the person that you have fallen in love with, who also happens to not be your spouse, you might be feeling like you’ve never experienced love like this before, you’ve never been loved like this before, and no one will ever understand you as well as this person does.
Of course, this makes it very hard to make a decision… especially when we are focusing on the now.
So the very first thing that I invite you to do that will help you determine what is best for you, is to focus on the long-term results and consequences of any decision that you make right now.
Every single thing that we do in life has both long-term and short-term consequences.
When it comes to the short-term, you are focused on what makes you feel good right now. Truth be told, when you are focused on short-term consequences, you often wind up making decisions that might not be the best for you.
A simple example of this is eating whatever you feel like eating right now because it tastes good, without thinking of the consequences it will have on your health later on.
So that is why it is important to think about the long-term consequences, or in other words, what happens later on down the road.
At this point, I encourage you to think about the results of whichever choice you decide to make.
– How will this affect me in the future?
– How will this affect the life of my spouse in the future?
– How will this affect the life of the person I’m having an affair with in the future?
– How will this affect the lives of the people that matter to me in my life, like my children?
I know that this is very hard to do because you are focused on what you feel with your lover right now, and it is very powerful indeed. You have to take a step back and really think about the long-term effects on every person involved in the situation.
If you choose to pursue a relationship with the person you’ve been having an affair with, how is that going to affect their life positively and how is that going to affect their life negatively?
Though you might be feeling, “I’m so in love with you” when you think about your over, you must also think about the effect it will have on your spouse and any children you may have.
Divorce is not to be taken lightly, but I know you know that because you’re already on this website researching the situation so that you can make a well-informed decision.
Last but not least, you need to really think about how this is going to affect your own life. What situation puts you most of the risk of experiencing debilitating regrets later on in your life? What does the aftermath of choosing one of these two people look like?
I have worked with people in both situations. Some have chosen their lover and have been very happy. Others have chosen to put their marriage back together, and have been very happy. I have also worked with people who made a choice only to regret it bitterly a few years down the line.
So as I said, the key to making the right decision is weighing out the long-term consequences. It is confusing and challenging, but don’t forget that we are here to help!
I’d also like to mention that we’ve created tailor-made products to help you restore the attraction in your relationship with your spouse should you choose to restore your marriage.
When you are in love with another man or woman who is not your spouse, is important to look at how this happened. As I was saying above, in the majority of cases when a person is falling for someone outside of their marriage, it is because something was lacking in the marriage.
Keep in mind that love is a choice. As I explained, it is very easy to let the flame sizzle out by not maintaining the love between you. Sometimes this happens because people get lazy and too comfortable in the relationship, but other times it happens because things have been going downhill in the relationship for quite some time.
There have been fights and tensions, and it becomes easy for someone to let go of the love that used to exist.
In addition to this, I often see people making excuses. “I can’t help it” or “It’s not my fault” are things that I hear on a regular basis. When you are married and in love with another man or woman, the thing is, it’s not so much about it being someone’s “fault.”
Sure, we all have our own characteristics and personalities, but we are influenced by them; not controlled by them. If you are married and have fallen in love with someone else, it is crucial that you are very honest with yourself from here on out.
Almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost never do they fall out of love on the same day. What’s more, we all fool ourselves from time to time in order to keep our thoughts and beliefs consistent with what we have already done or decided.
This is precisely why it is so important to be honest with yourself and figure out what you truly want, and what you are willing to work for. If you want to save your marriage, then it must be an active choice you make every single day. You have to TRY to save your marriage because trust me, it is not going to be saved by accident.
So the very first thing we need to do it is to dissect the situation.
How exactly did the situation unfold?
How did this happen? What exactly are you receiving from this new person that you are not receiving from your husband or your wife? How were you feeling in your marriage before this other person came along?
What were the elements that were missing, what were the problem areas, and how were you and your spouse handling them?
This type of thing does not happen out of the blue. When you are married and falling in love with someone else, it means that there was something substantial missing in your relationship with your husband or your wife. One of the people I worked with recently who came to me with a question about this type of situation wrote,
“My husband, Joseph, and I have been married for almost eight years and we have always been very close. The emotional bond between us died down throughout the years, but our bond was always very solid.
I never thought that it could be threatened by anything until I met Chris. I didn’t realize that my marriage had become predictable and monotonous until Chris started to surprise me and make me feel things that I hadn’t felt in a really long time.
I felt excited about Chris but not about my husband, and that’s when I realized that something was wrong. So now I am married but in love with someone else and I really don’t know what to do.
When I take a step back and put things in perspective I recognize that Joseph and I have been living like roommates in a comfortable situation, but clearly our relationship was not fulfilling me…”
So let me be very clear about something. The key to saving a marriage after something like this happens, is to pinpoint where exactly the disconnect came from. Identifying what brought distance into your marriage is going to give you a clear road map as to how to fix this, if that is what you truly want.
Again, you have to WANT to salvage this marriage you want it to survive.
I know that there are so many emotions coursing through you right now because you have found yourself wanting someone else while in a relationship.
You still feel a form of love and attachment to your spouse (otherwise you might not be reading this article right now), but at the same time you are drawn to this new person.
In fact, you may even be feeling like they understand you better than anyone ever has before, like they make you feel things that you’ve never felt before, and maybe even that they make you feel more alive than anyone ever has before.
It’s helpful to remember that emotions themselves and neither good nor bad. They’re just our psychological responses to the events that are taking place around us. The good news here is that they can be changed. Once again, it’s all about seeking clarity!
What we need to zero in on here is whether or not you actually still want to be with your spouse. if you could pick falling back in love with your spouse, would you? The answer to THIS question can be the answer to the question of what to do when you’ve fallen in love with someone else.
Interestingly enough, most people say YES, they would choose falling back in love with their spouse after an affair!
I wrote a lengthy article on when to get a divorce, and if you are feeling very unsure about whether or not you should leave this marriage I highly encourage you to read it. In it, you will find many indicators and signs that will help you determine whether or not it’s time to leave this marriage.
If you have fallen for someone else it means that your marriage is on rocky ground and you need to take a good look at this situation.
In many cases, people have already checked out of their marriages and if this is you, it is very important that you recognize this. You cannot save a marriage if you do not truly want it to survive!
That said, if you truly want this marriage to survive and you think, “I am in love with you” or “I truly want to fall back in love with you” when you look at your spouse, then I want you to know that there are plenty of things that you can do to restore the bond between you.
This is not a lost cause if you don’t want it to be.
This probably comes as no surprise but if you’re serious about restoring and repairing your relationship with your husband or your wife, you’ve got to cut things off with the other man or woman.
You might be wondering, “Can you ever stop loving someone, but you’re not going to be able to work this out if you’re not 100% invested in saving your marriage and focusing on your spouse.
Whether you choose your husband or wife, or the person you’ve found yourself falling for, you have to commit to them 100%. You cannot have them both if you want to be happy and cultivate a meaningful, long term relationship.
So if you’ve chosen to restore your relationship with your spouse, let’s take a look some of the most powerful tools that you can start implementing today!
When we start to fall into the routine of the relationship, it’s very easy to neglect one another, so one of the first steps of restoring and the relationship is to carve out time to spend with each other.
Don’t make the mistake of spending all your free time on social media, interacting with your “Friends” on Facebook or Instagram instead of with your significant other.
Start to reintroduce romance and quality time spent together. Give yourselves at least one date night each month where you have no distractions and can really just enjoy spending time together.
One of the keys for maintaining the bond between you and your significant other is showing them that you are genuinely interested in them.
One of the keys to living a gratifying life is treat people the way that we want to be treated, and if you want your partner to make you feel important, you need to make them feel important too – and do it sincerely.
Take a moment to think about how a person will talk to us for hours if we allow them to talk about themselves. If you can make people feel important in a genuine way, then you can really reinforce the bond between you.
So talk about your husband or wife’s interests with them. A surefire way to get to a person’s heart is to talk about what they treasure. Be careful to never belittle the things that your partner is passionate about (even if it might sound silly to you!).
Your partner wants to be supported by you so If you talk to them about what they are interested in, they will feel valued and will value you in return.
Encourage your spouse to talk about themselves – what they like, what they feel, what they need… And actively work on being a good listener. In order to become a good listener, you have to really care about what your partner is saying.
This all is part of proper communication with your husband or wife and mastering this tool will bear its fruit in the long run. With time, you’ll both start feeling, “I’m so in love with you” and your bond can become stronger than ever.
It’s normal to have disagreements, it really is. We all have our own way of experiencing and perceiving the world around us, but we also need to learn how to be patient with one another and see things from the other person’s perspective.
Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. It’s important to try to figure out why a person does what they do. Is it how they were raised? Is it a defense mechanism as a result of something that hurt them at some point in their past?
It is much more profitable to come from a place of compassion and understanding than criticism. It breeds sympathy, tolerance, and kindness.
So even when things are rough and you’re in a sticky situation because you’re married but in love with another man or woman, if you really want to repair things between you and your spouse you’ve got to control your temper.
Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
If you are constantly arguing and contradicting, then yes, you might win sometimes; but it is just going be an empty victory because you’ll be creating a larger divide between you and your husband or wife.
There is a natural human tendency to dislike the bringer of bad news, even if that person was not the one who was behind the unpleasant news. The simple association with it is enough to spark a person’s dislike.
In this situation, you’re going to need to focus on the positives in your relationship.
Being aware of this this how you can begin to mend the problems in your relationship. Speak to each other about the good things, reinforce them, make exciting plans and commit to exciting adventures.
You want to make sure that you can highlight the positives and make sure that you both get excited about your relationship again. If things start to feel boring and lackluster, it becomes easy to crave outside attention.
Each and every one of us has their our love language and when we aren’t speaking the right one to each other, it can be easy to develop a disconnect and you might find that your marriage is suffering. You can start to feel neglected or unfulfilled by your relationship, so you begin to look elsewhere.
An easy way to guard against this or restore the bond between you is to learn to identify and speak your spouse’s love language.
To give you an idea, here are the 5 love languages:
1. Words of affirmation
These are words that are used to build a person up, reassure them about your love for them, and show them how much they mean to you.
2. Quality time
In this sense of the term, quality time is giving a person your undivided attention. In our busy lives, many people don’t feel like they get to spend enough time with their partners, and this is especially important for those of us whose love language is quality time.
3. Gift giving
For some people the strongest indicator of a person’s love and devotion is tangible symbols of their love.
4. Acts of service
Acts of service are things that your spouse would really like you to do. It doesn’t have to be grandiose gestures – it can be simple actions that show them how much you care and that they’re on your mind.
5. Physical touch
Physical touch is quite straight forward and we all know that it is a powerful way to communicate your love for someone.
When it comes to falling back in love with your spouse, it is important that you listen to and respond to your partner’s love language, and meet their deepest emotional needs!
About a year ago, Brian reached out to me saying his marriage was in trouble, and not because his wife, Alexandra, didn’t want to be with him, but because he wanted to be with his co-worker, Katie.
During our first meeting, Brian confessed that he was in love with Katie, but he didn’t want to lose his marriage. Instead, he wanted to find a way to save it.
And so we did. We started by outlining how their distance began, and discovered that a lot of what frustrated him in his marriage was feeling undervalued. Together, we developed ways to communicate these needs to his wife, and worked on how he can nourish is own self-esteem without seeking external validation.
Over time, he was able to reconnect with his wife better than ever before, and Brian found that his interest in Katie had consequently disappeared.
So even if you are married but in love with another person, it’s important to remember that you are the master of your own destiny. You can influence, direct and control your own environment. You can make your life what you want it to be, with whoever you want it to be with.
So, what would your ideal marriage look like? How can you transform this vision into reality?
If you are still feeling unsure about how you’re going to get to the other side of this situation and find true happiness, all you have to is get in touch with me or a member of my team.
Every single marriage is unique and has its own intricacies, and by working together we can pinpoint the exact problems and define concrete solutions to help you reach your goal. We can provide you with powerful tools and techniques alongside a detailed action plan so that you know what approach to use in each specific phase.
Join The Happily Committed Project and transform your relationship before it’s too late and move forward in a dignified and meaningful way. Together we can work on reaching your goal by providing you with a clear-cut action plan that has been tailor-made to fit your relationship, your situation, and your specific needs.
As a team of dedicated love and relationship experts, we are here to guide you from A to Z and answer all of your questions.
Wishing you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you are in love with someone who is not your spouse,
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92 Responses
Hello, first I would thank you for your advices, the article is very interesting! but I have different concept.
Sometimes reasonable, unemotional spouse cannot take the decision of divorce even if they refused the idea of falling back in love with each other because they have kids and they think only about whatever is good decision for their kids. In their law separation will affect their children very badly not only emotionally but economically. As well as the children maybe force to cut the family ties with the other side who they did not choose to live with. So the decision will be considering for children life only and the best for them financially.
Thank you for your message and your interesting point! It is true that some people will opt to stay in a relationship in order to protect their family and the environment in which their children grow up, but it is also important to note that sometimes the tensions that build between the two spouses living under the same roof can have more of a negative effect on the children than a divorce or a separation. This is where communication comes into play so that the two spouses can determine the best environment for their children. If you would be interested in learning more about healthy communication techniques, I encourage you to read this article
Wishing you the best!
Exactly! Agreed. (See previous post)
My husband works out of town and I found out he had been having an affair. We have been married for 16 years and have 2 kids. We have always had what I thought was a good relationship. He wants to leave me for the other woman. He also has not been home to see the kids in 6 months. I spoke to him this week and it seems neither hom or the woman involved have thought about how this would affect our now broken family and also their own relationship. It seems they thought they would just do as the please and live a responsiblity free life and I would just hand the kids over for visits when he felt like. I know nothing about this woman..not her name how she looks..nothing…and there is no way I would ever have any sort of relationship with her because she knew he was married and still pursued him and broke my family apart. I am still working to get through my break up but I am also trying to protect my children as my husband just says “the kids will be ok!” We haven’t even spoken to the kids yet about the status of our relationship. I have let my husband know that I am willing to work on the marriage he seemed to be on the fence but due to our long distance relationship and him still being encouraged with his other relationship it’s hard to try and fight for my marriage.
Hi Sam, I am sorry to hear that you’re struggling with such a difficult situation right now. There are many complexities involved so I would recommend reaching out to us for coaching. That way, we can ask you targetted questions that can help you define the right steps to take. This period is temporary! To work with us, just click here.
I fell in love with my roomate(best friend) and I am married. My husband made me feel undeserved. But my roomate made me feel loved, wanted and needed in less time than the 5 years of being with my husband. I know that in the long run my best friend would make me happier. But I’m scared of leaving my husband just because I’m human and have feelings so I would not want to hurt him even though he has hurt me a lot.
Hi Em, I understand that this is a tricky situation. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us for one on one coaching if you would like our help. To work with us, just click here. I can also recommend a program we have created to help people move on from an unhappy marriage with grace and peace of mind. To access it, just click here.
Hi I’m so glad I found your site
I am not married but we have been together for 17years but I am going though the same guilt as if I was as I have met my soul mate my soul mate is married and I am waiting for him to divorce Which he is going to do he decided that the bond with his wife was there anymore i am waiting for him to divorce Which I said i would wait for him to divorce by the way we have not had a affair never did uf you understand what meeting your soul mate when your both in relationships Tom will be un contact with me when he is free
But I just feel so gulity because I’m going to break up with my boyfriend partner of 17years and the bottom line is Paul loves me and i am so scared not too leave him because I know I don’t love him anymore we are more like room mates but he would disagree with that i will make him cry and I do dread what he would do without me in his life
Thanks Corrie for the post. I know this can be difficult and hard, but if you find yourself not wanting to be in the relationship any longer, it is best to set aside some time to communicate this early on to your partner. It would be unfair to yourself and your partner to stay in something only because you do not want to hurt them. I understand this can be difficult and painful, but through time each of you will heal. The alternative is, if you do feel you want to work at this and you do have interest to still pursue the partner, we have various options on how to move forward.
Hope this helps!
Happily Committed
I don’t agree with only doing it for the children. If you’re not happy with your spouse and you tried everything to make it work, then who are you fooling? Yourself or the kids? Eventually the kids will catch up. They’re smart and they can sense things. You want to be able to give a good example to what a healthy relationship looks like. I’ve seen this happen many times and a lot of the times it doesn’t work it. You have to be able to think about also what makes you happy. Maybe it will save more heartache and finances down the line. LMFT licensed profesional.
So I want to save my marriage. I want to fall back in love. I cheat on my husband and became pregnant. We are together baby is here now. We are happy but I still have those feelings for the other person. I can’t cut out the other person because he is the father. My husband and I have full custody but allow him to see baby 1 time a week. Do you have suggestions to help get over those feelings since I can’t cut him out?
Hi A,
The best thing would be to limit the amount of contact you have with your child’s father. Though you have to be in contact with him, you can still make sure that you aren’t texting or interacting with him when you don’t need to be. Focus your energy instead on falling back in love with your husband by bringing new things into your relationship. Make time for romance, try out new activities together, and step outside of your comfort zones, together. If you want to save your marriage, you absolutely can.
I need help….. My husband and I have always been very close. He is in every sense my best friend because we do everything together, well we did until his GF. My husband has had many affairs on me and after things went south I realized I was not making him a priority due to the hurt I felt from the affairs and I started to close off. We “separated” (even though we continued to talk everyday and spend time together) and he met this girl on bumble a couple of days after leaving. He has been back and forth with this girl for 3 months now. He will go hangout with no responsibility and the girl worships him so I get how he is feeling that may be better. But when life is forced to start and plans will have to be made with this girl He will see how our marriage was good. We only argue about affairs. He feels this girl is what he wants, but in my heart he is just running from something or likes the newness of it. He has told me he does not feel in love with me. We talked and he expressed his needs and I have changed everything that he has asked to show my devotion to our marriage. He has “come home” two separate times and returned within days because he “misses her.” How do I get through this? He says he loves me but he is in love with her. Do I let him come home and just let time
Play out? Or do I push away to get him to realize he does really love me? Its hard bc I dont want to live without him, but also dont want him to be with me if he cannot be committed. We have 6 kids together and they have expressed that they want their dad as well; however, the older ones express anger about his choices even though they want him home. I have been patiently waiting for my husband while he has had this relationship for 3 months but im at my end. I have told him he will never notice me while he is putting all of his romance and effort into this girl. Its like I disappeared, but he still wants me to be with him. What do I do!? I love my husband dearly and have fought to keep my marriage for 9 years. I dont want to give up but if he walks away to choose her I will not be here waiting when reality hits his relationship and realizes he messed up. He is supposed to make his final decision on Sat and Im terrified he will make the wrong choice and loose everything.
Hi Shauna, the issue is that your husband is taking you for granted, and the more he’s allowed to get away with, the more he will continue to do so. Though there are many reasons that would make you want to stay, if you want things to change, you will have to push him away and focus the wellbeing of yourself and your family. If you would like help through this challenging situation, please reach out to us for coaching by clicking here.
I love your concept on working on your marriage, but want out
I need help. I love my husband, he is my best friend, but I fear that I am no longer in love with my husband. I am in love with another man who makes me feel alive again, happy again. I feel things that I never thought I could feel again. I don’t have the heart to tell me husband to leave. His father just passed away and he is broken. I am so lost I just want to disappear.
Hi Holly,
When the timing feels right, your husband will appreciate your honesty. Perhaps it is a difficult time for him right now, but don’t wait too much longer to share what you have come to understand about what you need in order to allow both of you to move on and find new, more fulfilling relationships.
A handwritten letter is always a good way to organize your thoughts and present what you need to say in a calm and collected way.
I’m feeling like a train wreck. I have been happily married for 21 years. I love my husband, but I got very close to someone at work. He gives me something my.husband doesn’t. I’m emotionally and physically attracted to.him and I work closely with him every day. I’m in a position where I love my husband any my co-worker but I cant have both. I’m feeling drawn my coworker. Incidentally, he’s also married. I know it’s a mutual attraction and its exciting. I both want it and dont want it. I want this co-worker’s attention and I get it, so I feel guilty. I cant figure out why I’m doing this to my marriage- and to my coworker’s marriage. My marriage has it’s problems, but overall, my husband is wonderful. I have thought about being direct with my coworker and ending it, but it’s also a friendship I just don’t want to lose. I want my husband and an affair. Any advise here?
Hi,
The heart is a definitely complicated thing. But as you said, it isn’t possible to have a
real relationship with two people at the same time. That said, the first thing to do would
be to take a step back and really analyze what you want. If you’re entertaining thoughts
of having a relationship with someone who is not your husband, then there is a deeper
issue within your relationship that needs to be addressed. A way to help you choose
between these two men would be to analyze your marriage and ask yourself what the
root issue(s) is/are, what you’re willing to do about it, what your husband is willing to do
about it, and whether you truly believe that this is the person for you. If you know in your
heart of hearts that you’re not up for addressing and solving these issues, then the
marriage may have run its course. If that is the case, then it will be easier for you to find
clarity in regards to the situation with your colleague.
Hi, I love your article. I’ve been searching the web for months now. And this one really helped. Im together with my husband for 9 years and we are married for 1 year. He really is my best friend, but we live like roommates. We don’t have children yet, but we want to. Well, wanted to, I fell in love with someone else.
The two main problems I have with my marriage is communicating and sex. My husband doesn’t like to talk and difficulties are often swiped away. So when Im feeling bad I often feel alone, I can’t really talk about it with him. He get stressed out easily and frustrated. So I often don’t say anything. Or if I try to I quickly change subject and act all good because of his reaction.
Also my libido is a lot higher then his, I love to experiment and try new things. I could easily have sex multiple times a day. But.. he is more traditional in bed. And doesn’t like my suggestions, it makes him feel uncomfortable. Now we have maybe once a month sex. I know I’m a bit kinky so I tried to suggest soft things. But we are not at one page at all. We met eachother when we were really young. So I learned who I am, I studied, I got a good career, I’m very interested in psychology and love to talk and philosophize. But he’s more down to earth, having this job since he was 17 years old and just live his life day by day. Im worried we’ve grown too much apart.. and I really tried talking to him about it. I went to a therapist because my affair and guilt got me depressed. Ofcourse I cant tell him Im seeing someone else and its tearing me apart. I stopped seeing that person for now, but our relationship troubles aren’t fixed. And I keep thinking about the other person. My therapist suggested couples therapy but he doesn’t want that. He thinks nothing is wrong and doesn’t see any problems. Im also very bad at explaining the problems I experience. The sex part I tried, but it feels like I walked upon a wall and were not getting anywhere, so I stopped talking about that. The communication part was more difficult, because how do you explain something like that to someone who doesnt like communicating? It went awful, he went full on panic and defensive mode, and I just didn’t know what to say anymore.
It feels like my marriage is done, and we are just married for 1 year. I don’t want to hurt him and Im very scared I will be unhappy with the choice I made. For other people we are the perfect couple. Even called an example for others. My family, friends, family in law and husband would be devastated if Im going for a divorce. But Im just so freaking unhappy, and I cant explain it very well to others. Im just missing a connection, long talks, deep conversations, good sex, talking about problems, etc.
Its not that he is a bad person, he is very kind, tries to make me happy in his own way, we laugh a lot because we have the same humour. We could be best buddys for life. My family adores him and his family adores me. So nobody will understand.. and Im thinking Im crazy and its all on me.
Sorry for my bad English.. Im Dutch.
So.. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel depressed, alone and stuck like a prisoner in this marriage. Which is NOT fair, because he is a very nice person and not even aware or everything that is going on in my mind.
Hi Sagittarius, first of all, your English is great! We have actually created a program that is designed to help people decide whether they want to keep trying to salvage a marriage or move on, and it offers tips and tools to go through with your decision with ease and peace of mind. To download it, you can click here. Otherwise, we are more than happy to help you via one on one coaching. Please don’t hesitate to book a session with us by clicking here!
Almost the same situation as you. Very torn. Want it all but know I can’t have it all and feel selfish for wanting it.
Yes, but sixteen-years of being more of a roommate than a spouse has serious consequences to the relationship. I have always been devoted, hard working, cook, romantic, give lots of physical attention to include foot massages and kisses. And, yet, my spouse neglects me. I have said many hurtful things in desperation of frustration with her. I am attractive, play music, cook, well educated, romantic, never forget important days, and love her family, too. I do not know what to do. I am afraid that I am vulnerable to someone that would give me what is missing in our relationship. She does not see, nor does not want to hear it. I have suggested couples therapy but her answer is for me to try it first. Sorry, but I am giving up.
The other man is a better husband to me and cares for my children than my husband does. He also wants to marry me. Yet I can’t divorce my husband due to social stigma and potential effect on the children for not being with their biological dad. I’m confused.
my husband been cheating on me for the past year she says she not going any where and says he says he loves her and he is not letting me go no divorce .he is torn between the both of us what can i do to keep him from seeing her he tries ignore her calls but she finds her way to his job and where he hangs out that is where they meet up at. He say he does want to think her he loves me more . Please respond back with an answer
I cheated on my spouse almost 2 years ago. I fell completely in love with a woman I worked with. (It lasted about 3-4 months) Out of fear of what the future would hold, I decided to stay and work on my marriage because it’s my “comfort zone” even if it meant the drama. I’m still married, but not a day goes by where I don’t think about the other woman. I tell my wife and myself I don’t still love her, but if I was honest with myself, I sometimes think I do and miss her. I hate being in this place emotionally. I want to forget and give my all to my wife, but I feel like what I did holds me back because I still feel some sort of connection with her. What is this connection that I still have with her and how can I get to a place where I don’t think about her everyday? This drives me crazy!
I’m in the same boat but only that I’m a woman and my story is similar to yours.
I was wondering if he too thinks about me as much as I think about him because he broke it off for the sake of his marriage. Reading your story made me realize men hide their feelings.
I’m married with kids and recently I have been communicating with my ex boyfriend whom I cheated on with my husband. He wants us to be back together but I think it’s to hurt my husband for cheating him, while we were together. I have been sleeping with my husband for months and I just desire my ex boyfriend. I think I’m longing for passion and desire. I don’t want to hurt my children and I don’t want to hurt anyone. I am just empty and looking for love and to be loved. I don’t think I love my ex boyfriend but I do desire him more than my husband, I was once in love with him and I thought he was the love of my life. My husband got married for my children sake though I care for him and I don’t want to hurt him because he is a good guy. Now I don’t think I feel anything I’m just empty, lonely and I’m looking for love and to be loved.
My situation is a little different. My best college friend passed away tragically and I passed the information on to the third member of our close group who I have not been in touch with for 50 years. We were engaged 50 years ago but were very young at the time and did not marry. While chatting back and forth, my X fiancé and i had never stopped loving each other. Unfortunately, we are both married to others and many miles apart. There were no major problems with my marriage and between us we have 5 children and 10 grandchildren that are my greatest joy. All that being said, I don’t know what to do with the emotions that I have bottled up for 50 years and that are now alive and well along with all the what if’s
Hi Sharon, that is an interesting story indeed. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us for coaching so that we can ask you targetted questions that can help identify the right solution for your situation.
I also fell in love with someone who I worked with for a short time; I literally fell in love with him the first time I met him. I knew I was not happy in my marriage; that there were things missing, and that I was very, very lonely and had been for a long time. I have been married for 16 years. I ended up having an affair with the man I met at work, but in the end, he left to go back to his wife. I am so lost without him; I feel like he was brought in to my life for a reason. It has been over a year since I have seen him, and I still feel as strongly about him as I did when he was in my life. My husband knows about the affair; I told him everything. I am not sure what I want; I am beyond confused and I also, just want to disappear. I don’t even know what I want in my life to make me happy. All I know is the happiness I felt with my affair partner, and I haven’t felt anything even close to that since he left. I just don’t care about anything any more. I don’t know who I am anymore.
Hi Elle, this is definitely a tough situation. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us for one on one coaching by clicking here. There are many details to every story and it would be our pleasure to help you find the path that makes you happiest in the longrun.
I have been married for 17 year and my wife is a lovely lady. We have a strong friendship but our physical relationship is bad. We rarely have sex (sometimes less than once a year) and aren’t that affectionate – it feels like i’m living g with a friend. I had resigned myself to this situation and decided to sit in the relationship due to our kids and financial commitments. Recently by complete accident I rekindled a relationship with someone I used to know – via skype chat – and we begun talking in the phone too. I’m completely in love with her – she is wonderful and makes me feel so alive.- she wants to be with me but as yet we haven’t met up again. I’ve spoken to my wife about our dwindling relationship and she has certainly made more of an effort recently- however I’m struggling to find a reconnection to my wife. I wonder if we’ve left our relationship for too long and now someone else has come along that makes it all the more clear. Any guidance would be much appreciated.
Hi Matt, thanks for reaching out. I would recommend a private coaching session in order to go into more detail regarding your current relationship with your wife. Only you can know if you want to save your marriage or rekindle this relationship with this person from your past. We can, however, ask you targetted questions and give you tools that will give you clarity. To work with us, you can click here. Wishing you the best!
I am separated from my husband but we still live under the same roof in separate parts of the house because we’re not in a good financial position to be approved for new rental places of our own. We also have a 2 year old. After telling people we were separated, a dear friend admitted his feelings for me and he is amazing, I have a lot of love for him but I never had an affair. He doesn’t know how to support me during this time with all the complexity of an ending marriage I was already checked out of, but living together, not yet divorced etc. He doesn’t want it to appear like he was waiting for this to happen and has admitted that he will give it time in case I did want to repair my marriage, but now that he’s said that, I want him even more! I want to move out, file for divorce so that we can be together but I know that doesn’t make logical sense. How do you navigate “new” love? Or a close crossover? Do I need a certain amount of time on my own to heal from past love, is it fair to heal and be with someone new?
Hi there, it is always best to take some time to yourself to heal after a separation. The aftermath of a breakup and getting back in touch with yourself takes time, and it’s important to take this time to focus on your personal wellbeing, tranform your life into what you want it to be, and ensure that you are able to be 100% responsible for your own happiness. This man sounds great, and he will understand that you will need some time on your own. The best part is that this can also inspire him to want to pursue you even more, because you’re not diving into his arms the moment you “can.” Wishing you all the best!
I’m married and also in love with another man who happens to be my teenage boyfriend about 26yrs ago. We never broke. He went on military operations outside my country and unfortunately I was raped and became pregnant. I was devastated and had no option than to hide away from him. After 23yrs apart he’s now been in touch telling how he has been looking for me all these years and why i did not tell him if the pregnancy. He even confessed of trailing me on Facebook and downloading every pictures of me. He told me how my disappearance has affected him in his life and relationships even his marriage. He said that he he kisses my picture every night before going to bed all these years. He has never loved any woman in his heart apart from me. I love this man so much with all my soul. But I’m married now and don’t want to destroy my marriage. I don’t want to hurt my husband and children who are innocent of my teenage love. I can’t stop loving this man. Though we’ve both promised not to destroy our marriages but we simply cannot stop loving each. I’m confused about this whole thing. please I need help.
want to discuss on my issue
Hi Madhuri, please don’t hesitate to reach out for coaching if you’d like one on one help!
My husband and I have been married for about 2 years and have a daughter together and I have helped raise his son since infancy. Prior to meeting my husband almost 6 years ago, I was in a very hot/cold relationship with someone for 7 years. We were young, and treated each other badly, but always came back together and loved harder. I thought we would be married, but one day i woke up and decided i just couldn’t do it anymore. When i met my husband, i cut off all contact with my Ex. I always thought about him, found myself checking on him via FB, and always still loved him and wondered “what if.” Recently my Ex reached out to me, letting me know he still cared for me, wanted to apologize for the past. At first I would answer with very friendly like responses,however, now we seem to have developed a physical and emotional relationship again, and my feelings have all come back. In the beginning of my husband and I’s relationship it was amazing. We were best friends, lovers, the perfect match. My husband is an amazing man, amazing father, but we have different needs and wants. I need physical touch, words of affirmation, and my Husband is the complete opposite. I have been feeling so neglected in my marriage, and I have spoken with my husband on multiple occasions about it, where he voices to try and do better but nothing changes. I have even offered marriage counseling and he thinks it’s “a waste.” We don’t argue, we don’t dislike one another, but I am not getting what I need from him. I feel as now we are acting like “roommates” and not husband and wife. I am so torn, as I love both my ex and my husband, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave my husband and destroy my family, but I also know that the way I’m feeling in my marriage now isn’t how I want to feel forger. Please help.
Hi Ro, thank you for sharing your story. The complexities of love can feel very paralyzing, especially when multiple people are involved, so I understand that you feel like you don’t know which direction to take. This is a big decision, so I highly recommend reaching out to us for one on one coaching so that we can ask you targetted questions, analyze your situation, and create a custom action plan. To work with us, just click here.
Hello am married but fallen for another man he has been my friend ifeel too much love for him also feel love for my husband whom we have spent three years with him and I love him.i have tried to let it go but it hurts .what can I do the feeling are too high for me to handle
Hi there, you will have to make a choice to focus on one relationship. When you make your choice, you will have to actively nurture the relationship every single day, and cut ties with the other relationship.
I’m trying to look for answers I recently split with my boyfriend of 2 years got back together he proposed to me even though I told him to wait until we are back on track I love him but I’m not in love with him I have strong feelings for someone I work with who has also told me he loves me and I’m torn don’t know what too do I’m no longer the same person I was two years ago with my boyfriend and that the person I work with makes me feel loved and is more like me and we have more in common totally confused
Hi Kj, it would appear that you’re willing to move on from your relationship with your boyfriend of 2 years. It can be a challenging period, but if you take some time for yourself to heal and find clarity, you will find that this becomes easier. I encourage you to check out the product we have created specifically for this situation, as it will help you to lay out the proper foundation. To access it, just click here.
My friend and I have known each other for 10 years, but most of that time we both thought there was too much of an age difference between us (17 years) and that we wanted different things out of a relationship. So we never really considered dating each other. I ended up marrying someone else, and it was after this that we actually became close friends. We’ve probably been close for about 4 years. During that time, we have each had some feelings for each other at some time or another, but neither of us really mentioned it. I have known that my marriage was struggling for quite some time now (at least 2 years). By the way, I’ve only been married 5 years. But during the time of coronavirus my close friend and I have spent a lot more time together. It has highlighted a lot more of the issues in my marriage. It feels like my friend and I connect well spiritually, emotionally, through the way we were brought up, and we have great teamwork. We seem to either be thinking the same thing a lot, but we also have different strengths that seem to compliment each other. Plus we have a lot of the same interests.
My husband and I only dated in a long distance relationship. I don’t feel like we explored each other’s interests enough. And I feel like we got married for many of the wrong reasons. I feel obligated to try to make my marriage work, but there doesn’t seem to be any desire. What can I or should I do?
Hi Eva, thank you for taking the time to share your story. The thing to keep in mind is that a marriage will only work if you truly want it to, are willing (and happy) to put in the time and effort it takes to help it reach its full potential, and if you’re ready to fully invest. It’s very important to ask yourself the tough questions to figure out if you WANT to make your marriage work or if you just feel obligated to do so. It’s also important to note that if something deeper than friendship is brewing between you and your friend and you want to save your marriage, you will need to put space between you. However, if you would rather focus on cultivating a romantic relationship with your friend, you will have to think about letting go of your marriage. You are the only one who can make the right decision for yourself, but please don’t hesitate to reach out if you would like some exercises in clarifying what your heart truly wants.
Where would I find such exercises?
Hello… Hope everyone is well despite whats been happening around the world. I am married but in love with someone else. For a while now, i havent been in love with my spouse and even before i met this guy a few months ago, it has been years that ive wanted to end my marriage with my spouse. The only person holding me back to stay in this marriage passed away 2 yrs ago (my mom). And even when she was alive, she knew how much ive wanted to end my marriage because i have tried saving it not just once, but many times. I am at the point where i dont wanna try anymore. The spouse even asked me to renew our vows but i said i dont want to. I am at that point where i can say i dont love him anymore. I respect him for being the father of my children, but the love is not there. We do not sleep together anymore for years now. I dont let him touch me. His work requires him to be out of the country and home once a year for like a month or 2, then he leaves us again. And then i met this guy, online from another country. For 4 months now, ive developed a feeling for someone i havent even met personally. He knows i am married but he knows my situation. And everytime the hubby comes home, i drop everything i do and pretend im a good mother to his children, but not a good wife to him since i dont do the responsibilities that a wife does to her spouse. I dont talk to the guy i met online coz i dont want it to be used against me. But i fell in love with this guy. And i dont want to lose him. Last night, i told him i have to get off for a while with my online life since the hubby is coming home to stay for a week before he leaves again. And this guy asked if i still love the hubby. I told him, the respect is there, but the love has long been gone. And i love him now. But he wants me to admit to the hubby that i am with him. He is single and young and i am willing to give him up because he doesnt deserve someone like me, a married woman. But everytime i think of losing him, my heart is heavy and i feel like my world will crumble. I have fallen for this guy so much in the few months since we got together. Im scared to tell the hubby i want to end our marriage for some time now. Im scared of what my family will react, my family includes our children, my brother and sister and the rest of my mom’s brothers and sisters. I have been a good mother, daughter, sister, grandmother… Always thinking of whats best for everyone in the family but myself. And last night, my guy told me, he just wants me to be honest with myself and to not let other people treat me as a doormat and put myself first. I told him i love him and if he cant handle the situation with me, he can choose to walk away and i will respect him with his decision. But i dont want to lose him or what i have with him. I dont know what to do anymore.
Hi JJ, thank you for sharing your story. Because it is a complex situation, I recommend reaching out to us for one on one coaching. That way we can ask you specific questions that will help us to determine the right plan of action. If, however, in your heart of hearts you feel ready to move on, I encourage you to download our product that is designed to show you how to do this with grace and peace of mind. Wishing you all the very best!
Thank you so much for your advice. I am in the situation at hand my self at this very moment. My husband and I have been slowly falling out of love for years now. All we became was best friends sleeping under the same roof, not even sharing a bed. No intimacy, no affection and absolutely no making love for the past year and a half. He is faithful so that never crossed my mind, he just has physical disabilities that causes intercourse to be painful, and when it ceased so did all the intimacy. One day a guy I knew from HS messaged me about current events and made the comment my husband and I looked happy and he was happy for us, that Chad was a lucky man. That opened up conversation that lead to an affair. I left my husband shorty after and stayed with him until an apartment become available. Now I find my self in love with him but can’t let my husband go. My daughter is still living at home with him although he’s not her biological dsuvyqe and he’s helping us financially, if I have a problem with my vehicle he tells me what I may need to do. He works out of town and I feed the dogs if our daughter is unable to, I run errands for him while he’s on storm work bc I am still legally his wife. My SO claims I depend on him to much and he don’t see me ever letting that go. That he is my go to guy. And maybe he is, I do find myself calling him if I have a flat, or if my daughter needs something, or even if my account gets low and I need a few dollars to make sure it doesn’t get into the negative. My issue is this: I love my husband, I’m not ready to give up his friend ship, or him as a person just as a lover. I am in love with my SO, the affection, intimacy, sex life is amazing! I don’t want to lose that! I also don’t want to lose my husband and I can’t have them both.
Hi Jodi, thank you for sharing your story. In this situation you are going to have to set boundaries and stick with them. It is not a crime to have a friendship wiht your ex-partner – you will just need to find a balance. You are not maintaining romantic relationships with both people, and your SO should understand this. He will have to meet you halfway. So perhaps you can begin by limiting the amount of things you reach out to your ex husband for, and reach out to your SO if you still need help. This way your SO will see that he’s on your mind as your go-to, and you can maintain a friendship with your ex-husband.
I’ve been married for 8 years. I have 3 daughters with my husband. Recently I had another man contacted through social media that I used to date at a couple times throughout my life before my husband. It seemed timing was always off but I always had the “what if” idea in the back of my head. It’s been 12 years since the last time I’ve dated this guy and I didn’t think anything would happen considering he is married and has a daughter. Well he has been messaging me a lot and talking about the past and he has mentioned he is getting a divorce and that I’ve always been the one who “got away”. Through talking to him I’ve come to realize that I’ve been hiding all the problems I’ve had with my husband. He has cheated on me during our 1st year of marriage, said he got drunk and it was a mistake and came clean about it so I forgave him. A couple times later I found out he was on Craiglist looking to do these odd sexual things and i confronted him about it. He said he would stop so I gave him the benefit of the doubt and mostly because I didn’t want to break up our family (at this point we had 2 daughters). Well about a year later I see that he was at it again and I told him I wanted a divorce and of course he begged and said he was wrong and to forgive him, that he would go to sex aholics anonymous and see a psychologist. Well that only lasted 2 sessions, even his psychologist recommended that he go to sex aholics anonymous. But still I stayed because I was now pregnant with our 3rd daughter. So I’ve kept all this in. I never talked to my friends or family about this because I chose to stay with him and didn’t want people to view him differently or myself as pathetic for staying. So now back to today, this guy I’ve spoken to is giving me attention and I think about all the things my husband has put my through and I’m torn because on one side I have my husband who I’ve built a life with has messed up on me throughout the years and took me to find out about his mess ups and tried to deny them and then on the other side I feel that I really do have someone who values me, wants to accept my children as his own, he has a daughter that I easily love as my own. I feel like if i leave my husband I’m using his past as an excuse but I feel that no one should have gone through what I have and to this day I have no idea if he is just hiding that he is going out on me again. I feel like I’ll lose so much if I leave my husband like my house, my children part of the time but I feel like I’m losing myself if I stay.
Hi Christine, thank you for sharing your story. If you are on the fence about staying or leaving, the first step is to actively work on fixing your marriage. Some work needs to happen to ensure that your husband no longer makes these mistakes, and if he does, he needs to realize that there are consequences. Be careful with how much you allow, because you are in essense teaching someone how they can treat you. If you determine that he’s not going to change and you are not going to be happy, it’s time to think about exiting the marriage. Don’t leave the marriage for another person, though. That places uneccessary pressure on yourself and on the budding relationship. You’ll need some time on your own to heal and get back in touch with yourself, and then if you’re meant to enter into a new relationship, it will happen naturally.
Good evening my name is adeleke adebayo from Nigeria I lost my marriage because my wife is chitin on me she is bringing man to my house wen am not around one day I come back home on expect and cot
Hello gow are you doing? I have been married for 4 years now with 2kids. Before i met my husband i was dating and my ex loved me so much, he never cheated on me for 3yrs but i felt he was everywhere in my life and so i kinda lost interest. My husband proposed to me 2months into our dating and 7 months later we got married. I stopped communicating with my ex immediately i got engaged nd only started speaking with him on phone last year 2019. We talk as just friends with no strings attached not until last week when i saw him for the first time after 4yrs. We had a deep connection and since then i can’tget him out of my mind. I keel comparing him to my husband nd that has made me realise all the things i dont like about my husband but i have been trying to overlook it. My husband’s a good father nd tries to take care of me as much as he can but then he doesn’t take care of my emotional needs. I like to be pampered nd he doesnt have time to pamper me, we don’t go out for clubbing and that’s one of the activities i like to do for fun, he doesn’t allow me to put on the kind of clothes i like, we actually do not agree in so many things i feel like he tried so much to change who i am in the past nd that makes me to kinda hide my true personality from him. My ex in the other hand understands me perfectly in every way. Hes still single nd we have mutual feeling for each other but am scared of the effect a divorce will have on my husband, our children nd people that arr close to us. Am also worried if i stay in the marriage i may never be truly happy again as he (my husband)cant love me the way i want to be loved. Pls help me on hoe best to hanle this situation, thanks so much.
Hi there, I encourage you to be careful with leaving one person for another. If you choose to leave a marriage, it should primarily be because you have decided to set out on a new path towards well-being (not another person). I warn against this because when you leave one person for another, you do not give yourself time to mourn and heal from the previous relationship, and it places a huge amount of pressure on your new significant other. It can damage your well-being AND the new relationship. The solution at this juncture is to think about what you need in order to be truly happy: Your current marriage or being free of it?
Married for 12 years. Unhappy and lonely, I tried to be content and happy whatever differences in opinions were and what ever much he hurt me I learned to let it go almost instantly. Two years ago he got in trouble and needed deperately my help. A friend introduced me to a friend that helped the situation and together we got my husband back on safe ground. But when my husband returned home he was a stranger for me. My heart was on flame for this man that helped me for my husband. I tried but I could no let go the flame as it became bigger and bigger. I tried to find reasons to meet this man again and again and I did found but I became totally dependent on him to be happy. I cannot live without texting and hearing from him. One day this summer he layed his hand on my knees saying I have great legs. I told him that I am afraid if our working relationship turns into a physical one. He shut me off and out at once: I am married and wife of his client. Off limits, he says, requiring me to keep strictly proffesioal level talk or it will be all over. Yes, I do my duty as a wife, how painful though especially when I see the same hurts he does just by being himself, surfacing daily. How long for children to grow up then I can leave, when every day is so unacomplished and unfulfilled just because I am married to someone so different than my way of living life.Any thoughts you have, I would really appreciate.
Hello Daosk, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us for one on one coaching. By working with you one on one, we can define an action plan that is tialormade for your circumstance. To work with us, just click here!
Hi from Germany.
I’m on the other side of the situation:
A month ago, my wife told me, she fell in love with another man and since then realized, what she was missing in our relationship, because she experienced feelings, she didnt feel for a long time.
Our relationship started fifteen years ago with a friendship and after we lost contact for a few years we met again and started a loose romance from which she got pregnant with our first child. It was because of this child (but not only because of him), that we engaged in a serious relationship after all. Over time, our love for each other grew strong and we have had a solid base of love and trust (or so i thought). Yet our relationship lacks the “butterflies-in-our-stomach-feelings, you usually have, when you fall in love. It was mostly based on our child in the beginning, and grew over time. We decided to have a second child and almost two years ago, our daughter was born, we married and moved into a bigger house and out of the city – far out, with only fields and forest around us, like we dreamt of, when we were making Plans for our future life together.
From then on, things went downhill. She grew unhappy (though she didnt tell me), missed her friends and social contacts, was home alone with our children all the time, when i was at work.
She went out, back to the city, almost every other weekend, until last month, when she finally told me about her love for the other. I had no clue and my world fell apart. She sais she loves me, but she cant decide what to do, because the love for him is also strong – or so she thinks.
I really love her, with all my heart. I want to save my marriage, my family, I want to be the man, who makes her happy and I understand, that it got so far, because I took our relationship for granted and didnt invest enough in it. I am ready to change that. She knows all that, we talk about it all, since she told me.
Yet, I don’t know what to do or even think and feel right now. How can I react? I could choose for her and end it all myself, but that is not what I want.
Last week, she decided to leave me, only to already regret it after one night we spent in separate bedrooms and ask for a little more time
I am on vacation now and take care for the children, so she has time to think it all over and finally come to a decision.
But then again, if she decides to save our marriage, do I know, that she really is happy with her decision?
Or will she regret it? And can I forgive her?
I am not expecting answers to all that,
Just want to say thank your for reading.
I’ve been reading a lot on the internet about this kind of situation, but almost all of it is about how to choose or what to do, if YOU fell in love for someone else. Nobody writes about what to do, if your PARTNER falls in love.
Anyway, thanks again for reading
Hi John, I am sorry to hear that you are in a tough situation. There are many factors at play here, so please don’t hesitate to reach out to us for one on one coaching so that we can ask you specific questions and define a custom action plan for you. To work with us, just click here!
John, I would like if we could talk because it sounds like I am in your wife’s situation.
Curious as to how you will handle it.
I would love to know your thoughts on two women bestfriends who fall in love with each other and both are married. One in a very unhappy marriage and the other in a stale marriage but they still communicate. One of the women never have been with a woman and the other has been with two before her. Both seem to be very intune completely and very in love with each other. However in their situation yes like the begining of every relationship its the honeymoon time but their relationship is so real that the honeymoon period lasted about two months they talk about everything with each other thats bothering them about their relationship wether it would hurt or not. they are fully involved with each other. but the one who has been with girls before which happens to be the one in the marriage that isnt working at all doesnt trust that her bestfriend / love of her life will leave her husband for her. thoughts???
Hi Melanie, Thank you for your question. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us for one on one coaching so that we can ask you targetted questions and define a custom action plan for you. To work with us, just click here!
Hi there Happily Committed
Thank you for this incredible advice.
Do you have any tools available on how one can sum up enough willpower to cut your lover out of your life if you’ve chosen to work on your marriage? It’s easy to say CUT them OFF but it’s actually very tough to do if they are all you can think about for the moment.
Hi Candice, thanks for your message! We are very happy to have you with us. Ending an affair can be difficult, but it all starts with mindset. If you actively choose your partner every single day, it becomes easier and easier to cut ties with your lover. You can have an honest conversation with this person and tell them that you have chosen to save your marriage, so the affair and contact must end. From that point on, you take your distance and focus on your relationship. We wish you the best of luck!
Hi, Thank you for this article. I have been engaging in sexting with a childhood boyfriend that I got back in contact with after more than 20 years of not talking. My husband and I have been married 17 years and I feel that I don’t deserve him. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me, so why is it that this guy stirs me up so much sexually. I know my husband is not ok with this because he found the text messages. I hate myself for wanting to be with someone else as well as my husband.
Hi NMN, sometimes this sort of thing happens when there is a sense of monotony and predictability in a relationship, and you’re craving something that feels fresh. I would encourage you to spice things up with your husband and challenge yourselves to try new things (both sexually and non-sexually). The more you can associate your marriage with the feelings of excitement, the less attracted you will be to your childhood boyfriend.
Hello.This article was extremely motivating, particularly because I was searching for thoughts on this topic last Wednesday.
Hello there, we are so happy to read that this article helped! Wishing you all the best
Wow it’s the best to work out things with your husband because the most affected will be the children in case of a separation and no grantee that that new love will not fade anyway . It’s true love grows and love fades so it’s we to try to keep it growing . Though new love is always so tempting
I’ve been married for 3 years but we’ve been together for 9 year. Now have a daughter who’s just months old. Thing is, we’ve had issues even before we were married but I’ve always chosen to work it out. We got back to a really nice comfortable place but he doesn’t seem to want to put in the effort. He spends more time on his phone and computer than with us. He constantly makes me feel like I’m not a priority. But he also has good qualities that I admire, like his patience and kindness at times. The thing is, I don’t talk to others about the issues I have with him. I talk to him but when he’s made up his mind it doesn’t matter what anyone says. Even threw a hypothetical scenario at our pastor and our pastor explained certain things. That did nothing to him. He just continues to do whatever he wants. I don’t think he’s ever cheated because I get the vibe that he feels like he can get away with whatever since has never cheats. But my best friend, who I was in love with since I was 15 has been a constant in my life for years. He lives far away but I have never felt closer. The things he speaks to me about and the way that he treats me, even from so far, has made me feel like he is the one I should be with. However, we’re Christians and so it feels like we have to try. But I don’t want to. Especially since it feels like apart from my husband’s financial assistance, he doesn’t put in any effort into our marriage. I’m torn too because everything would affect our daughter and our families. I want to fight to save it but all I feel too is trapped. I just want the guy I’ve wanted since forever but I feel selfish too. Because I don’t want to hurt my husband. I think even if he started treated me right, I’d still want my bestie, because it feels like he’s the other half of me. He said the reason he never pursued me is because he had to work on himself first and that if we had dated, he would have hurt me so badly that he chose to stay away. His timing sure sucks and he did say that whatever I decide, he would be fine with. Which makes this all the more difficult. I wish I knew what to do and in the meantime turn off my emotions.HHELP!!!!
Hi,
I have been married for almost 7 years now and I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. It was an arranged marriage. Since marriage I never loved my husband. 16 years ago when in high school I had a crush on a guy and we were good friends. I always told myself it isn’t him even though I was falling for him during my high school and college time. After a year of my marriage I realized that it was always my high school friend I was in love with and I still love him till the present day, its the same for him as well. We shared our feelings of late a year ago what we have been feeling and missing for more than a decade now.
What should I do? My husband is a nice man, a good father. I do not want him to be in a fix because of my immaturity of realizing my feelings so late. It was never his fault. But is it my fault then? I’m not sure how to go about this situation now. Please help me.
I really love my friend and it was only him I loved since time!!!
Hi: I’ve been married for 25 years, very unhappy for the past 17 years. Husband’s parents live with us and have created huge problems between us. Husband checked out emotionally, we live like room mates, sleep in the same room but no intimacy. He also has erectial issues and cannot perform except for 2 minutes and then it’s over. He’s 62 years of age and has had emotional affairs, Recently, he has fallen in love with a psychotherapist from England. She practices in Nottingham. They went to school together in Africa and she initiated contact with him. I contacted her to tell her about all the problems that we’ve had in our marriage. She still contacts him. Six years ago, I asked him for a separation and he agreed then backed off. We have an 18 year old. I’ve asked him countless times to talk to me about what he wants, he says he doesn’t want to talk. I want the marriage to work because of all the financial implications and I still care for him. I’ve read a lot of books etc and am trying but with zero encouragement from him and no interest.
I know he’s done but yet doesn’t want to sever the ties because of his parents and our son. What do I do?
Thanks for the post and participation. I know things can be diifuclt but we are here to help. Have you ever considered a 1:1 coaching?
Thanks
Coach Priyanka
Hello I understand everything that was being said. My situation is I’ve been married for 3 years and been with my spouse for 12 years now. I have kids by another woman which I and before we met. We had our kids at a young age and broke up a year after having them, they are now 20 years old.. The thing is all these years I’ve been with the person I’m with I’ve put up this facade as if I hate the mother of my kids guts just to please my wife, but in reality I never stopped loving her and the feeling is mutual. My wife is a very loving and caring woman but she is a little older than me so she is stuck her ways, and now that we’ve been together so long I’ve been feeling like she is just to comfortable to the point where I feel like I’m just there. I had a long talk with the mother of my kids and we settled out our differences and we talked about whether we were still in love with eachother after 20years of being apart and come to find out we both are. When I talk to her she give a me this feeling like when we were together and she knows everything about me because we were friends before lovers. She has a strong bond and relationship with my mom where as my wife doesn’t but my mom likes her though. The way I always felt about my kids mother has always been there and I always told myself that If I could be with her again I would. Ny feelings are all over the place right now and even though I know what I really want to do which is be with her I don’t want to hurt my wife but at the same time I’m tired of living my life for everyone else and I want to do something that I want to do for a change in my life and what I think is best for me. I feel like me and my kids mother were meant to be and she makes me feel wanted and loved and I can’t control the way I feel about her . I also feel like I would be living a lie if I continued to stay with my wife knowing that I’m still in love with the mother of my kids and deep down inside I really want to be with the mother of my kids but It would crush my wife if I told her .. that’s where I’m having a problem at cause I’d rather just leave my marriage and everything behind and start over not just to be with the mother of my kids but a new start for me.
Hi Tony, thank you for sharing your story. I know that it is a very tough spot to be in, but it seems that you already know what you want to do. The important thing to keep in mind is that if you remain in a marriage just to keep the other person happy, you are also preventing them from eventually being with someone who truly wants to be with them. Please don’t hesitate to reach out for coaching if you would like a helping hand. Wishing you all the best.
Thanks,
Happily Committed
What if you were in love with someone before your husband but the timing was wrong…. then they came back into your life and those feelings all came back…?
Hmmm we seem to have something in common! However regardless of the situation I think the point remains, you either want your marriage to work or you don’t. Only you can make that decision
My situation goes like this. Been married for over 20 years and now I made an emotional connection with a guy from 25 years ago. That person has now walked away to sort out his own life leaving me with a broken heart. Even though I know that’s wrong to feel crushed. Now I’m left with a decision of leaving my 20 year marriage knowing I’m not ‘in love’ with my husband or trying to sort it out but a bit pessimistic about it working. So my question is: is it okay to go and try to mend the marriage and it still not work? And one can say ‘i tried’.
I do agree with all of the ideas you’ve presented in your post. They’re very convincing and will definitely work. Still, the posts are very short for starters. Could you please extend them a little from next time? Thanks for the post.
You have really good advice. Although i don’t know if it will help my situation much. In my case I am married, been married for about 11 years, and throughout the marriage it has been nothing but infidelity, a child born out of wedlock and emotional and mental abuse, including rape. I have been afraid to leave the marriage with fear of what he might do. I have become so numb to the situation that sometimes I do believe the things he says. I have nightmares constantly if someone taking advantage of me and I’m not able to move. I have not lived my spouse for about 6 years. I have just stuck it out for the kids. But it involves a lot of individual therapy and anti depressants.
About a year ago I left on business and it was about 11 months long. Right before I left my spouse threw a huge tantrum where he was punching Walls and he jumped out the car while I was driving. He threatened suicide so that I would just give him what he wants. I decided at that point after a 2hr pánico/anxiety attack that I couldn’t take it anymore. I moved my children to Florida with their grandparents and told him I was done with the relationship that he needed to figure out what he wanted to do. He needed up going to Florida as well to his parents house with the kids. In order to keep the peace I had to lie and say that I would stick around and I sent him videos to encourage him to get help and see someone for therapy. Lying and lying and lying and then speaking about getting married by church. Which I didn’t want but I didn’t want to keep fighting anymore and being told horrible things. By the 4th month of being away on business month I told my spouse i couldn’t keep lying to myself or to him that I wanted a divorce and I was completely over this relationship. He of course got extremely upset and it was more ups and downs where he would say I understand then cuss me out. Constant back and forth. While being away it was about the 7th month. I met someone. He changed my perspective on everything. He listened to me. He was exactly what I needed and I fell in love with him. He didn’t push me or force me into anything and it felt so Surreal that I questioned everything. Even myself. I have very low self esteem. I don’t have much confidence. And I just couldn’t believe someone actually treated me with respect and genuinely cared to hear what was bothering me what was on my mind. What was hurting me and why and what could we do to fix it. He was everything I wanted and needed. And a few months later I’m having his baby. So not only did I fall in love with someone while married I also had a baby with him. And it made me feel worse because I felt that I did the same infidelity that my spouse did to me about 7years ago.
But my problem is I can’t let go of this guy. Even now with the chaos I am still in love with him but he has shown me a different side of him. My spouse is still abusive emotionally and mentally. He insists on me proving myself that I would do anything to find a solution to take card of the kids and so far it is nothing but us faking we are good by allowing myself to kiss him and hug him in front of the kids knowing I don’t want to at all. And letting him have sex with me and I hate every thing about it. I cry more often I am completely depressed. I can’t enjoy my newborn because he’s all over him and questioning everything I say and do and getting offended if I want to bathe him or change him. I just don’t know what to do anymore and the other guy has disappeared. Once things got extremely out of hand he decided he didn’t want anything to do with me or our child. So now I’m stuck in a marriage I hate. Married to someone I despise and am disgusted by and can never be happy around my own children. On top of that my children seem to be extremely distant from me and always want to leave with their father when he threatens to take my car and leave. I don’t want to lose my children but my spouse always argues with me in front of the kids. Yelling at me calling me names in front of them. And I try so hard to stay quiet and not react but after a while sometimes I can’t bite my tongue anymore. And my oldest is pretty much telling me that I will never learn and grow up. It hurts me to hear that come out of their mouth. I feel trapped and alone and I’ve lost the person I fell in love with as well. So now I’m stuck and don’t know what to do. I really hate my life.
Hi Kim, Thank you for sharing your story. First and foremost, I want you to know that you are not alone. You are currently in an abusive relationship and there is help available. I know how easy it is to feel helpless or stuck, but there are solutions. You are worthy of love, you are worthy of respect, and you are worthy of being treated well. Unfortunately, the relationship with your spouse has become toxic. I highly encourage you to spend as much time with your parents and surround yourself with people that love and support you as you begin to exit this relationship. We are here to help you if you would like to reach out to us, you can just click here. There are also free resources specifically designed for these types of situations. Please check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can get in touch with them directly by calling 1-800-799-7233, or if you are in a situation where you are unable to talk safely, you can log on to http://www.thehotline.org or text LOVEIS to 1-866-331-9474.
Wishing you all the best,
Team Happily Committed
I was unhappy with my marriage and felt under appreciated for a long time. I didn’t know what more I could do as a husband. I paid all the bills, I did all the daycare, I clean, I cook, my wife does girl weekends atleast 3x a year and honestly I never felt like my wife was that in to me. She never was one to initiate anything sexual and at times how we’d end up being intimate is kind of sad (won’t write on this). I had a co-worker leave and I took over more territory at my job and I walked around the corner and their she was. Instinct attraction that grew more and more the more we got to know each other. I couldn’t take it anymore and one night me and this other girl left a bar together and ripped the bandaid off. It’s been a year since then. I didn’t divorce, but I have moved out and come back. Something about my kids and being a full time father I haven’t been able to make a decision. I know this will affect my children, family and friends but everyday I think about the other girl. I feel like I can’t move on either way because I am ruining people. But at the same time inside I feel ruined because I miss her and I wonder “what if”….
Hi guys, if you need help to get back your ex lovers or want any help whatsoever, you can email Lord Zakuza on Lordzakuza7 @ gmail. com for he’s a GOD on earth.
Thanks for writing this article. Going through the same dilemma . Married for 10 years now and blessed with a very lovely and caring wife. I had a good friend(married) for last 7 years and everything was perfect in life. The problem started around a year back when i felt like emotionally attached to that friend and it grew stronger and stronger everyday. We started talking for long everyday and started to share everything and now it has reached to the level that i feel like attached to her more than my wife (situation is same for my friend too). And so much attached that i have lost interest in making any intimate or physical relation with my wife. Before you come to any conclusion, i would clarify that i have not had any physical relation with my friend ever. and now my life is in fix. I am attached to a person i can’t have (coz she is also married) and i am not left with any emotions for a person i have. Also to add, i never had any abusive relation with my wife, we still have very good time, laugh and care for each other, just that i have lost interest in physical relation with her.
Dear Happily Committed. I have been married for 25 years to my best friend. I have spent the past 18 years raising our kids, mostly alone because he has traveled for work for the past 10 years. Ive never quite been able to pinpoint what has been the disconnect in our marriage and frankly, never had time to think about it as I was on autopilot flying by the seat of my pants raising kids. I’ve been the happiest woman doing this until recently. He doesn’t travel much anymore and I’m home with him and the kids and I am seeing that I don’t like who I’m married to. In addition to that I’ve recently been seeing someone who I feel understands me so much better. I think I let this other relationship evolve in the beginning just to discover what I want and if I could have it. I’ve always looked at the other side but never played with fire. In the beginning of what now is an affair, I tried to talk to my husband about my needs because I thought he deserves a chance to succeed but I’m always met with some reason why I shouldn’t feel that way. Honestly, my husband is a good man. He’s loyal, caring, kind and hard working but I don’t know if he’s capable of loving me the way I want to be loved. I’ve spent the past 18 years striving to be the perfect mom and corporate wife but I am afraid that I might have been faking it the whole time because I thought, “This is as good as it’s going to get. No one else would put up with me like he does”. If I had it my way I would just live alone and carry on relationships safely so I’m not dependent on anyone but I’m terrified of how that would hurt my family. It’s my downfall to try to take care of everyone and make sure everyone is happy. I feel a strong sense of responsibility to my family to keep them safe and secure but horribly guilty for my feelings.
I have been married for 39 years. I have wanted to leave my husband many times over the years and for different reasons never have. I reconnected with an old friend and I have fallen in love with him. We emailed, messaged and talked on the phone for sometime then decided to meet face to face. When our eyes connected there was a huge spark and feeling that i have never felt before. We then had a couple of times that we met and the feelings are unreal and very powerful. I have not been “in love” with my husband for many years but i do love him and care for him. We have two grown children. When my husband found out about the other man obviously came unglued and a rage i have never experienced came over him. I am torn whether i stay in a marriage and be happy but not in love or do i go to the other man who i have fallen deeply in love with? I cringe at the thought of my husband touching me, but we have had some good times in bed but not many.
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Thanks for helping out, excellent information.
This actually answered my drawback, thank you!