Feeling jealous and insecure in a relationship is going to get old really fast, for you AND for your significant other. It can be incredibly taxing on your sense of wellbeing and it can make your partner feel suffocated quite fast. That is why so many relationships start to fall apart when a person is jealous and insecure, and I work with so many people who are trying to put the pieces together and restore their relationship after these tendencies go too far.
Because it’s such a common topic and so many people are struggling with figuring out how to stop being jealous and insecure, I wanted to write this article for you today outlining what exactly you can do starting today. You are not condemned to feeling this way for the rest of your life, even if you’ve gone through some things that are making you feel like this today.
The thing to keep in mind is that jealousy is rooted in insecurity, so we need to zero in on where this feeling is coming from. In today’s article, I am going to explore the roots of these tendencies in people, and then we are going to take a look at what exactly you can do about them so that it stops plaguing your relationship.
When it comes to working out how to stop being so jealous and insecure, the very first thing to do is to identify where the jealousy comes from, especially if you feel that you’ve always been like this.
For some people, jealousy develops when their partner did something that starts to make them have doubts. Perhaps their partner started showing signs of being interested in another person, or perhaps a lie came to light… So the moment that a person starts to feel like they’re not in control of the situation and they run the risk of getting hurt somehow, they can start to feel jealous and insecure.
So, ask yourself if your partner mistreated you in some way that made you develop these doubts and feelings of jealousy and insecurity? Did an ex break your trust in some way that left a lasting scar?
Trust is a pillar of a healthy and stable relationship and without it, it’s going to be hard for a relationship to withstand the test of time. But I don’t want you to feel like rebuilding trust and confidence in a relationship is a daunting task! Yes, it will require patience, it requires work, but it is not impossible. Clients achieve this every single day.
Take Gary, for example. He was a client that I was fortunate enough to meet at the very beginning of a new relationship. The majority of his previous relationships had all ended because he was struggling to trust his partners, and this time he wanted to make sure he did things differently. As we worked together we were able to identify the important qualities that create trust, such as managing his insecurities, spending some time on focusing on himself and on his goals, and making sure that his girlfriend feels heard and understood. Over time and with a lot of hard work, they developed the best relationship he’s ever had. His words, not mine! He told me that he’s never been so proud of a relationship, and the relationship lacks no trust today. So I want you to rest assured that you can achieve this, just like Gary and so many others have.
Codependency is another issue that is closely linked to jealousy and insecurity. When you need constant reassurance from your partner, it means that there is an imbalance at play in your relationship.
If this is a theme that has been present in your life even before this relationship, it’s going to be very important to start working on zeroing in on where it stems from. Have you always had a need to be in control or has it popped up more than usual in this specific relationship? If jealousy has existed prior to your current relationship and you’re really having trouble not bringing it into this one, I invite you to work with a professional that can help eliminate this from your life once and for all. This can be done with the help of a psychologist, and you can find practical solutions on how to move past it. There is also a lot of literature available to you like Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More.
Understanding and knowing WHY you’re jealous can help you manage symptoms and help you know when you’re about to be triggered. It might sound complicated, but it’s all about practice. When you feel it surging up, you can diffuse it by mentally labeling it.
For example, let’s say that something triggers you, your partner says something or does something that starts to make you feel jealous or insecure. If you’ve done the work to figure out why certain things make you feel the way that you do, you can snap yourself out of it by focusing on a thought like, “Ah, it’s just that automatic response I have that doesn’t actually mean anything.” By doing this (regularly), you will start to train your brain to respond to stimuli in a different way. The more you minimize the trigger, the less power it will have over you.
One of the best solutions for this type of issue in a relationship is to challenge yourself to get much busier. The busier you are, the harder it will be to fixate on things that don’t serve you. The more you can build your sense of self confidence, the easier it will be to fight feelings of jealousy and insecurity.
Confidence comes from a sense of accomplishment. So the prouder you are of the life you’re living, the harder it will be to feel insecure. This will trickle into your relationship as well, so don’t underestimate the power of accomplishing things for yourself.
Starting today, I encourage you to start defining goals that you want to achieve and start carving out time for these things. For example, let’s think about where you want to be professionally speaking two years from now. In order to reach that goal, where do you need to be one year from now? To be where you’d need to be one year from now, where would you need to be six months from now? And how about two months from now? So what would you need to start doing this month?
When we are working with clients, we often have them set short term and long term goals for themselves to start introducing more of a sense of accomplishment that will carry over to other aspects of their lives too. In addition to this, we encourage them to put themselves in situations where they know they can shine! For example, if you’re particularly good at painting, why not sign up for some figure drawing classes so you can feel great about what you’re creating and remind yourself that you’re quite talented!
Keep thinking about how you can regularly experience things that help you boost your sense of self confidence in your own life, and you will see that this is going to help you stop feeling jealous and insecure. Insecure and jealous behavior is rooted in neediness and a constant need for reassurance, but when you are able to start providing confidence and a sense of accomplishment to yourself, you’re going to see that you’re going to stop depending on your partner for your emotional well-being as much. It will help you to feel better and bring more balance into your life.
Now, it’s also important to learn to communicate with your partner about how you’re feeling when you’re experiencing excessive jealousy and insecurity…
Express the insecurities that make you feel jealous with your partner in a calm and collected way. This needs to be a productive conversation, so that your partner can know what they can do to make you feel more at ease in the relationship. If there are specific things that he or she is doing that are making you feel this way, they need to know so that they can make changes.
Dealing with jealousy is a lot easier when you and your significant other are on the same page. For example, if you feel insecure when they’re out without you, a simple fix would be him or her agreeing to text you every few hours when they’re out with just their friends. Work together to figure out what would help you the most. You’re in control of filing up your schedule with things that make you feel more confident, but your partner has an important role in making you feel secure in the relationship as well.
Following in line with my previous point, it’s so important that you have independent interests. If you depend on your significant other for happiness and a life that feels fulfilling, then you’re doing yourself a disservice and are putting yourself at a disadvantage.
You should both have your own things going on. Think about your passions, your hobbies, your work, your friends and family. A healthy relationship consists of two people with independently fulfilling lives coming together. It’s not the whole “two halves make a whole” thing.
So find what gives you purpose and explore these parts of your life! Purpose is what brings a sense of fulfillment to our lives and makes us feel “whole” and happy.
Another thing to keep in mind is that physical exercise can help you to feel much better, quite fast. The more you exercise, the more you release tension in your mind, but it also released endorphins which make you feel happier. If you can give yourself a physical release through exercise, you’ll see that it will have an effect on the way you’re experiencing your relationship as well.
At the end of the day, you’re in control of a lot more than you might realize. Dealing with insecurity and jealousy is no walk in the park, but you can get rid of it by taking matters into your own hands. You’ve just got to zero in on the root of the issue, whether it’s stemming from this relationship, a past one, or another element in your life, communicating with your significant other about it so that you can both establish long-term solutions for you relationship.
Work on finding a sense of accomplishment and purpose in your life, while working as a team with your significant other to help you overcome jealousy and insecurity, and actively set new patterns in your way of thinking. As always, we are here to help you every step of the way, so please don’t hesitate to reach out. Join the Happily Committed Project and learn how to transform your relationship in a meaningful and dignified way. You can also leave any questions about insecurity and jealousy in relationships in the comments section below and it would be our pleasure to respond to you.
I sincerely wish you all the best in life and love,
Your coach when you want to know how to not be insecure or jealous
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